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Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

What are we telling ourselves every day to stay positive?

–*If I try very hard, I know the pre-diabetic in me can shine through.

–*Don’t be the person who gives in to liquor and drugs. Be the person who sells liquor and drugs to some other dumb ass.

–*It’s not my business what other people think of me and my suspended driver’s license.

–*I should relax and enjoy the things I already have, namely, this bag of aluminum cans.

–*If you stay straight and fly right, you can get from South 98th Street to North 98th Street with no problem. All you need is a city with a decent grid system.

–*My failures make me who I am. What’s important is that the cops don’t find the fingerprints that make me who I am.

–*If you compare yourself with everybody, you’ll always come up short. Try comparing yourself only to those with terminal diseases, and you’ll definitely shine by comparison.

–*Yes I can think myself out of a wet paper bag, thank you very much!

–*Someday I’ll be back on top and I’ll spit on all you losers. … And I say that with only good feelings in my heart.

–*I can beat this Tourette’s cock sucking monkey fucker.

–*It’s not my fault my hedge fund went under, it’s the god damn mark-to-market accounting rules that did me in.

–*If I’m so dumb, how come my subspecies wiped out the Neanderthals?

–*There’s no manual for how to be a human being. … But there are several critical pamphlets that we could read to watch our enormous sodium intake.

–*We’re all the same in God’s eyes. … Actually, scratch that. That’s a real motivation killer.

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Years ago, when I was the associate entertainment editor for the University of Texas college newspaper, The Daily Texan, this incredibly cheerful ex-cheerleader from El Paso would hang about in our office chatting with people late into the night as we waited for final proofs. I lost touch with Gigi for several years until, in a totally chance encounter in Tribeca, I found her working at a film production company that had asked to see one of my screenplays. I was looking for somebody else in this dark, hip office but was startled to instead find my long lost friend. I peered through the dark at a familiar figure, no longer a former cheerleader but a harried film producer, and said with head-slapping incredulity “Gigi?????”

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve watched Gigi with great admiration work tirelessly in the indie film world to get a number of really great projects off the ground, many with her extraordinarily talented husband, actor, director and producer Andrew Bowler. Occasionally we would have lunch and I’d ask Gigi, the seasoned film producer, for tips on how to play around with my own cinematic projects.

A couple of years ago she showed me a screenplay for a short film called “Time Freak,” written by Andrew. I’m not even sure why they showed it to me, unless it was just to hear me validate what they likely knew and say what everybody else likely did: “This is brilliant. Shoot it!”

I should have known that they would not only shoot it, but do it with real style and heart and cool. But they did far more–reached Olympian heights I dare say even they didn’t dream about: They this week found out they had received an Oscar nomination for best live action short film.

I had almost given up on this Oscars, especially after they started nominating 10 films for best picture. But this year, I’ll be doing it backward, and watching the middle of the show, not the end, rooting for my friend Gigi, who is still, though an older and much wiser ex-cheerleader, one of the coolest, nicest people you’ll meet.

The couple filmed their reaction to the news that they would, forever after and henceforward, be styled “Oscar nominated Gigi Causey and Andrew Bowler.” Here is the video, a suspenseful film with a highly satisfying conclusion.

Also, enjoy the “Time Freak” trailer. The entire film should be coming to the Web shortly, says Gigi.

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Live Blogging The Emmys*

–*It’s nice to see Charlie Sheen presenting something other than blood in the urine.

–*Let’s face it. John Hamm should be nominated in both best actor and best actress categories, because nobody on “Mad Men” gets near as many lines as he does.

–*The audience laughs and laughs at a musical number starring the Lonely Island and Michael Bolton and Akon, hoping that the laughter turns soon into some understanding about what the musical piece is about.

–*Let’s have a montage of every drama on TV right now to remind them what they aren’t watching when the Jersey Shore is on.

–*Scott Caan is a douche. But that’s OK, it makes him a casting slam dunk.

–*The Emmys celebrates scripted television, serialized Saturday Evening Post fiction, CB radio, betamax video, DDT and kitschy knickknacks from the 50s.

–*A new category: most self-righteous dialogue on a show featuring a female lawyer.

–*A new category: most coy penis jokes on a show featuring female doctors.

–*A new category: the most disgusting and also highly unlikely forensics scenario that can be conceived by a murderer or the writer of a CBS crime show. CBS will be the clear winner.

–*The new Charlie’s Angels ask, “Would the world be a worse place if we recycled ideas?”

–*Oh, yeah. “Friday Night Lights” keeps winning everything.

–*This is Jane Lynch’s time. Unfortunately, it’s also Snooki’s time and Michele Bachmann’s time. So, really, this is not a very good time.

–*”Women’s Bathroom Spy Cam” is really lowering the bar on TV dramas this year.

–*The nominees for best stock market crash are, October 1987, September 2001, September 2008, February 2011 and August 2011. There are no winners.

–*The producers of the TV show “Glee” admit that the show is now only 60% glee.

–*Gloria Steinem called the new Playboy Club show sexist. That’s not fair. It’s way more stupid than sexist.

–*The “In Memorium” segment reminds who died, but also allows us to finally put some names to faces … “Oh! That guy died?”

–*JWoww insists that the success of Jersey Shore is really hanging on her shoulders.

–*Jane Lynch coyly suggests that the cast of “Entourage” are Lesbians.

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My wife Stephanie, producer and star of the our Web series The Retributioners, recently penned an article for Digital Chick TV (DigitalchickTV.com) about the joys and horrors of making a Web show from scratch in our living room.

Digital Chick TV is run by another ce-Webrity, the amazing Daryn Strauss, the writer/director/producer of Downsized. Check out both our shows.

Stephanie would also probably like it if I showed off this head shot of her. I like to show her off, and besides, we can probably depreciate the photo expenses for accounting purposes.

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After a mysterious car accident led to press speculation about golf star Tiger Woods’ possible marital infidelities, there are now reports that he and his wife Elin Nordegren have renegotiated several aspects of their prenuptial agreement, which now reportedly includes $80 million extra for Nordegren if she stays with her husband for two more years and $5 million if she does not leave him immediately. What are some of the other new clauses in the prenup?

–*Nordegren is to be paid an extra million for every new bimbo who emerges in South Beach or the Hamptons claiming to have had sex with her husband.

–*That number is to rise to $1.5 million if the woman in question is a Playboy model

–*It will be $1.7 million if the photos of the Playboy model have been retouched

–*It will be $2 million if the woman Tiger slept with gets her own reality TV special

–*It will be $2.2 million if the reality TV show special involves Flavor Flav, Danny Bonaduce or Scott Baio or features vomiting.

–*Woods must pay the $3.99 per minute of phone sex out of his own pocket.

–*Nordegren does not have to make Tiger dinner, watch TV with Tiger or clap during the Masters if Tiger wins.

–*Nordegren gets $100,000 per sexual encounter with Tiger, plus a facial at Bliss Spa.

–*Nordegren does not have to address Tiger in English.

–*Nordegren does not have to continue to love him.

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Topeka, Kansas (API) Karaoke night was almost ruined Friday as two revelers in the local karaoke bar The Rubber Hose chose a song from Broadway musical “Avenue Q” for the night’s 11th number, a choice that sent many of the bar’s patron’s into befuddlement, grousing and ultimately acts of violence.

The two singers, Liz Miller and Melissa Snow, chose the song from the hit Broadway parody of Sesame Street because they had seen it on a recent trip to New York, but the number nearly brought the festivities to a screeching halt when several of the flummoxed patrons stood dead silent.

“I don’t know what those girls were singing,” said Ross McAdams, a middle manager at a nearby natural gas refining plant. “I was just coming off feeling real good about my “Hotel California” vocal and then these two girls come up with this shit.”

What made it worse, said local tax attorney Florence Halberstadt, is that the two girls picked a song called “Schadenfreude,” a word many of the patrons were unfamiliar with.

“I just don’t get what those two girls are singing,” said Halberstadt. “I came here to have fun. If I knew this was going to turn into some German song night I would have stayed home.”

“I don’t get it,” said Ed Chalmers, a plumber. “Are those two making fun of us?”

The crowd became increasingly pouty and dejected as the lyrics scrolled across the screen. Even though the song offers much helpful explication of the word “Schaudenfreude,” mainly through humorous contexts, the wit was largely lost on the crowd, many of whom turned angry and sour.

“It’s my birthday,” said Holly Knoxall, a local gym teacher. “It’s totally ruined now, all because a couple of no-goodniks think they’re better than we are.”

A winner of several Tony Awards, Avenue Q uses parodies of several Sesame Street characters to address mature themes like adult sexuality, racism and intolerance, mostly by having its characters espouse extreme viewpoints at odds with those of the artist’s true feelings.

“Specifically it’s called ‘irony,’” Liz Miller said to the crowd. “Get a clue, jerk-offs!”

But yet again, tackling of subject matter by having a character embrace the very viewpoint being satirized was something poorly understood by the crowd, many of whom were drinking Rolling Rock and smoking Camels and singing mostly songs by the Beach Boys, the Eagles and U2 and many of whom showed they were in absolutely no mood to be made to feel inferior.

“These two little ho bags are pissing me off,” said Harold Osprey, who ended the night yelling at his girlfriend and telling her, “Get in the car, bitch. If I stay, somebody’s going to get hurt.”

Having almost ended one of the song’s signature lines, “Fuck you lady, that’s what stairs are for,” Miller and Snow hoped the song might finally inspire a few belly laughs, but by that point, several of the patrons had started pushing each other at the bar and were no longer in any mood to laugh. Instead, it seemed blood sport would be the night’s game, and as the lone karaoke machine played “Schadenfreude, making the world a better place …” the atmosphere in the bar finally descended into shouts, flying beer bottles and fire.

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As part of its efforts to plumb the depths of the financial crisis, the Obama administration has subjected U.S. banks to “stress tests,” to determine if these institutions have enough capital on their books to keep lending and survive a prolonged economic slump. Regulators project that the losses at the biggest banks could reach a staggering $600 billion by 2010.

What are some of the shortfalls at the nation’s largest banks and where did these gaps come from?

–*SunTrust is short on money it lent to the Christian right for a now abandoned “Tower of Babel To Heaven” construction project, one that now sits unfinished in Topeka, Kansas after rising only five stories and which has since turned into a squatters’ town.

–*Northern Light Bank in Cincinnati, Ohio is short on credit card loans it provided to Ohioans to buy plasma TVs.

–*Fifth Third Bancorp has an estimated loss on credit card loans it offered to consumers with the strict stipulation that they were supposed to go build their own Interstate highway bridges with the money, not buy muscle cars, but then they went out and bought that god damned car anyway, which is now sitting in the driveway, its motor having fallen out and making our house an eyesore.

–*BB&T lost billions on the falling value of collateral on houses, and in a crude attempt at raising their value, tried to people them with a race of stunted, red-eyed Morelocks it had fabricated in a clone lab.

–*U.S. Bancorp failed to raise $9 billion it needed by breaking into the homes of its clients and shaking them down for blood money Mexican gangster style.

–*PNC Financial Services Group gave a billion dollar loan to its Uncle Ernie to get him back on track after his alcohol meltdown, but after three months on the wagon, he had a terrible relapse, and all the money was gone. “What did you do with the money, Uncle Ernie?” said PNC as it slapped the poor man silly. “What did you do with the fuckin’ money, Uncle Ernie, you god damned old souse?”

–*KeyCorp took the initiative and spent billions of dollars of its own money to rebuild the New Orleans levees so that they could withstand a category 5 hurricane, thus preventing thousands of needless deaths in the future–a loan that of course makes absolutely no economic sense.

–*Regions Financial loaned out billions for what seemed to be second lien mortgages on houses but which actually turned out to be a speculative investment in the cardboard refrigerator box industry, which now serves as the major source of America’s dwellings.

–*Wells Fargo lost billions through an insidious little machine called a “credit card” that through no inherent value of its own can be used to procure goods and services.

–*Bank of America fucking bought Merrill Lynch which was like buying a fucking black hole of fucking limitless debt.

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