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Archive for the ‘The Internet’ Category

  • Madonna looks unrecognizable in this potato sack.
  • This picture of a stuffed animal fills you with feelings of nostalgia about your lost youth, admit it!
  • This cracked intake manifold was just the last straw in what seems like a life of total failure.
  • This nursing mom was nailing it as she passed on vital nutrients to her baby.
  • Lionel Barrymore is dead, which just confirms what everybody thought.
  • We asked these YouTubers to take the Ozempic challenge, and they did not disappoint.
  • This asexual couple is not apologizing for their totally chaste Friday night.
  • This Botox cannon blasted a female influencer clear into the next cornfield.
  • We’re not totally sure whether we should be sexualizing this penniless 72-year-old in her bandeau bikini top.
  • These six doctors on Long Island couldn’t give a shit if you’re dying.
  • We unraveled Alexandra Daddario’s genome to see if she could be any sexier in this Instagram undies selfie.
  • This woman has no apologies about having her gallstones removed.
  • This guy tells you how to get into an OK college by making fair to middling grades.
  • Kari Lake cannot, in fact, harvest her loss in the Arizona governor’s race to offset capital gains.
  • You’re opening your mail all wrong.
  • This lawyer killed it when she overcame the hurdle rate in her grantor retained annuity trust.
  • This young surgeon wasn’t ready to see a patient’s spleen get that big.
  • These mom hacks will have your kids taken away by social services.
  • Tucker Carlson on how and when and under what conditions that you, too, can be happy.
  • How a gun can take your meh parking space tiff to the next level.
  • How to give smirk-shaped kisses just like Ben Shapiro.
  • Why the best part of this Cracker Barrel breakfast was the morning-after pill.
  • Why your 10-year-old’s YouTube challenge this morning was evidently to sing every variation of the Burger King “Have it your way” jingle.
  • This woman on Reddit says her husband orders salad like an asshole, and she is done!
  • Say goodbye to your windshield. That’s hail!
  • This facial recognition software says pretty definitively that Anne Boleyn looked just like Manson Family member Susan Atkins.
  • Look at this shocking disrespect!
  • Pope says Facebook unfriending works just as well as excommunication.
  • Are you shaming the right people? Take this quiz.

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–*College kid surprises girlfriend by showing up at her high school homecoming. She surprises him by having a new boyfriend.

–*This kid found out the hard way that wingsuits will not allow you to float through brick walls.

–*These precious young Velvet Underground fans made a cute video for one of the band’s songs that will reinforce your belief that nobody understands the Velvet Underground but you.

–*This extremely slow docking procedure on the International Space Station is a great reminder that if you viewers at home were doing the math, people would die.

–*Space litter!

–*A lion gives an antelope a hug because that would really happen in the wild.

–*This video on Bayes’ theorem overestimates the number of people who would use Bayes’ theorem if they understood Bayes’ theorem.

–*A montage of people accidentally pointing AR-15s at their family members.

–*This woman used a needle, thread and fabric to make clothing.

–*This pilot’s face did not melt off at Mach 2 like the thumbnail promised.

–*Jordan Peterson destroys trans cashier trying to give him change for a half gallon of milk.

–*Joe Rogan refuses to take a stand on putting your penis in a blender. “I’m not going to tell people not to do that.”

–*This 230 foot mega yacht will fairly quickly get your Marxist class consciousness and general covetousness confused.

–*A cartoon of Slavoj Žižek eating an apple, even though cartoons, apples and Slavoj Žižek only exist as constructs masking the reality of the non-self.

–*Ducklings getting eaten by herons.

–*A man made his own flamethrower even though a flamethrower masks the reality of the non-self.

–*A man who proves that Western music practically didn’t exist until Céline Dion changed keys in this version of “All By Myself.”

–*Demonic possession hack: You’ll invoke Satan if you play a chord with a flattened fifth.

–*Dude Imperfect can’t quite get past the “throwing eggs at people’s houses and videotaping it” concept stage.

–*Neville Gamer TV begs you to subscribe to his videos playing handheld Mattel football electronic games.

–*NASA tries to up the sex appeal by having an astronaut’s clothes come off spontaneously under 3 G’s of force at rocket launch.

–*Clips from The Sopranos.

–*Clips from Game of Thrones.

–*A video you made yourself of your baby puking.

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It was difficult growing up with the name “Eric Rasmussen” for a few obvious reasons. It’s a funny name for children to say, and given children’s talent for innovation, a fun name to mock. (“Raisin Muffin” was the sobriquet the junior high kids finally settled on for me.)

My name is now a problem for a different reason: It’s not anywhere near as as rare as many people think it is. “Rasmussen” is kind of like the Scandinavian “Smith.” and “Eric” is a natural fit for it. So not only are there tons of Eric Rasmussens in New York City (I even bumped into one at a party), but tons of them working in the same fields I work in–fiction, music, film and journalism. After I began recently releasing a slate of my novels, I realized there’s another Eric Rasmussen who writes short stories. He, like me, is published in several places.

I’m a hyphenate, which makes things more confusing. I’ve been working in at least four different media for years, subjects I’ve been passionate about since my teens. I never saw a reason not to pursue all of them at once, and I dare say I’m good at some of them. But to the outside world (and definitely to a career coach) it probably looks like I have multiple personality disorder.

So now I realize it’s become necessary to tell people both who I am and who I’m not. I talk about the latter in this companion piece. But for now, I’m going to give you my CV, if for some reason you get confused about which Eric Rasmussen you’re dealing with. My name is Eric R. Rasmussen. I grew up in Oklahoma, went to college in Austin, Texas, and have lived in New York City for two and a half decades. I have a fairly large amount of content on the internet in multiple media.

Journalism

I’ve been a journalist since my college days. I focused first on arts and entertainment; in 1997, I started writing about finance. The following are the publications I’ve written for (if you see my name pop up in a different newspaper or magazine, it is not I):

The Daily Texan (the University of Texas student newspaper)
The Austin Chronicle
The Alcalde (The University of Texas alumni magazine)
Io magazine
Swing
magazine
Civil Engineering
Investment Management Weekly
Financial-Planning.com
Nurseweek
Financial Advisor magazine

Film

I’ve been making short films since 2006. I created a web series with my wife from 2007 to 2009 and I’ve also written a few screenplays that I’ve entered into competitions. These are my works:

S&M Queen For A Day (2006)
Scrabble Rousers (2006)
The Retributioners (web TV series, 2007-2009)
Candy Rocks Doesn’t Grow Up (a screenplay and semi-finalist for the Austin Film Festival comedy screenplay competition in 2012)
“Lanternfly” (2021). This is a music video I made for the song of the same name off the Salon de la Guerre album Wings Made of Cash.

Music

I am the sole musical artist behind Salon de la Guerre, which released its 32nd album in 2022. I worked on music through the 1990s, but didn’t start releasing definitive versions of my songs until 2007 on MySpace and didn’t start putting them out in album formats until 2012. As of March 2022,* I have 433 songs released.

I’m listing the albums here with the dates I published them on the streaming sites (these are not the copyright dates of the songs, which go back as far as 1993). My albums are:

Time-Traveling Humanist Mangled by Space Turbine (2012)
Four-Track Demons (2014)
Diasporous (2014)
The Mechanical Bean (2014)
Toe-Tapping Songs of Pain and Loss (2014)
Your Eyes Have Mystic Beams (2014)
Clam Fake (2016)
Roses Don’t Push the Car Home (2016)
Gravitas: A Life (2016)
Liberty (2016)
The Church of Low Expectations (2016)
In the Lake of Feral Mermaids (2017)
The Widowhood of Bunny (2017)
Keep Your Slut Lamp Burning (2017)
Driver, Take This Cab to the Depths of the Soul (2017)
All Else Dross (2017)
Yipano (2018)
You’re Going To Regret What You Did (2018)
Bleed (2019)
Air Is a Public Good (2019)
From Sour To Cinnamon (2019)
Infinity Boy (2019)
Golem Vs. Duende (2020)
Hot Tears (2020)
Bring An Open Mind To A Broken Heart (2021)
Hugs for Mountains (2021)
Digital Moon (2021)
The Black Sheep Symphony (2021)
Cold For Mars (2021)
The Dog Opus (2021)
Wings Made of Cash (2021)
Stereoisomer (2022)

Fiction

I’ve been writing fiction for well over two decades; however, for many reasons, most of them banal, my novels sat unpublished on my computer for years. In 2019, that all changed: I began releasing my novels as e-books on Amazon, with the hopes of releasing the paperback versions on the platform later on. As of October 2020*, all nine of my novels are now available on the site. The books are mostly comic, though they also stretch into historical fiction and absurdism.

Here’s the complete list (I’ve listed the dates I released them on Amazon, though many of these books were finished at least five years ago):

Zip Monkey (2019)
Detective J (2019)
Letters to My Imaginary Friend Leticia (2019)
Traffic Waitress (2019)
Did it End? (2019)
American Banjo (2019)
The Ghost and the Hemispheres, Vol. 1 (2020)
The Ghost and the Hemispheres, Vol. 2 (2020)
The Ghost and the Hemispheres, Vol. 3 (2020)

Poetry

My big plan as a teenager was to be a poet, and oddly enough, this is the field I’m least prolific in. I have only some few dozen poems to my name, almost all of which are available on this blog. However, I did get a few bits into the college literary magazine back in the day:

Analecta 1989-1991 (the University of Texas literary and arts journal)

The Blogosphere

Beauty is Imperfection is the blog you are reading right now. I started posting these little musings on MySpace in late 2006 and switched over to WordPress in 2009, moving a lot of the MySpace content over after seeing that the latter platform was dying.

As my long-suffering readers know, even in my blogging life, I’m something of a schizophrenic. For its first few years, Beauty Is Imperfection was a comedy blog with lots of Top 10 lists and other silliness, most of which was meant to help create buzz about my web series, The Retributioners. In 2010, my mother died, and the blog took on a more somber tone, and I also started posting a lot of political material to give the world a taste of my long-stifled polemical voice. My posts have been infrequent in the last few years; occasionally I post new poetry, but otherwise I use the blog to let people know about all these many other projects I’m working on.

Hopefully, this post gives you a more complete picture of me. I rarely talk about these projects with friends and colleagues, mostly because I’m not the bragging sort, I don’t like to shove art down people’s throats and I know how much great, perhaps better art is out there that I’m competing with. I’m offering this summary of my career mostly to help people navigating the internet avoid confusion if they see a name like mine and don’t know whom they are dealing with.

For the record, I haven’t written any plays.

*Updated April 1, 2022 (No foolin’!)

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–*Woman who was kidnapped at age 5 now has her own hostage.

–*You’ll never believe where we bought these chives.

–*You’ll never believe who just recently died. And this attached photo of George Clooney means, really, you shouldn’t believe people like us when we tell you who recently died.

–*You’ll never believe it, but this carrot carved up to look like Donald Trump was once just a regular carrot.

–*These five women used to be so much older then, but they are younger than that now.

–*You should take this man’s investment advice because there is no way he was convicted of wire fraud in 2003.

–*You won’t believe who committed wire fraud, and this attached photo of George Clooney proves that you shouldn’t believe us when we tell you who committed wire fraud.

–*The shocking story behind the banality of evil.

–*Come here. There’s candy in my car.

–*Why you don’t see Shelley Winters in movies anymore.

–*Five women who surprisingly decided to be sexually harassed.

–*Being chased around the room by a naked screaming baby is pretty funny unless the baby is 6 feet tall and runs Miramax.

–*This prisoner bet he could eat 50 eggs.

–*This prisoner told his cellmate, “Nobody can eat 50 eggs!”

–*This prisoner added he could eat 50 eggs in an hour.

–*Twelve cadavers who surprisingly bared all.

–*Idiot Breitbart reader was also an idiot child.

–*Which of these former ‘Survivor’ contestants have gone feral?

–*Ten reasons Squeaky Fromme is not as lovable as she seems.

–*The 10 people at this party whom your use of irony was lost upon.

–*People who got mad and clicked this when we said the Eagles weren’t any good.

–*People who got mad and clicked this when we said Joanna Newsom wasn’t any good.

–*There’s a monster at the end of this book!

–*12 Hollywood sex scandals that ended in everyone dying and being forgotten after 80 years.

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Ten theories of quantum physics first introduced on Seinfeld.

You must look at this model!

Are you celebrating heritage or committing mass murder right now? These three college students answered wrong!

Four types of herring you should never talk to on a subway.

Ten ugly children who grew up to be ugly adults.

Why this millennial is not answering your phone call.

Matt Damon is totally rocking this prehensile tail.

You will own this hedgehog

Ten old stars who used to be young.

This schizophrenic millionaire says the earth has already been destroyed.

He knocked down a wall in his basement. You won’t be surprised where the excavators found him.

Ten gay celebrities that came from heterosexual parents.

Why you have to get a reverse mortgage right now (we’ve kidnapped your child).

Ten pictures of celebrities pleading for their lives.

This credit card opens doors for you. I just unlocked somebody’s door with mine.

Cover your ears! Mandrake!

Ten people didn’t know they were bleeding from the eyes, ears, mouth and ass.

Ten poisonous spiders that laid eggs in your ear last night.

The best all time house fires.

This massive sperm fail left a female lawyer’s egg unfructified.

Which of these Nobel Prize winners became shattered post-Nobel Prize award winners?

You’ll never guess what a poorly grounded microphone did to this billionaire.

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