Archive for January, 2010

The most recent issue of Playboy magazine features a pictorial with actress and notorious party girl Tara Reid naked. Why might men want to skip this most recent issue?

–*They’ve already seen Tara Reid naked in the film Body Shots.

–*They’ve already seen the pictures of Tara Reid naked on the red carpet at a notorious P. Diddy party a few years ago.

–*They’ve not only seen the pictures of her at P. Diddy’s party, but have noticed that she’s undergone several flawed plastic surgeries that make her less appealing and a little alienating.

–*They’ve seen the pictures, noticed the plastic surgery and realized that her neurotic need to be perfect–when she was already pretty enough–also makes her less appealing.

–*They’ve seen the pictures, noticed the plastic surgery, and realized that the Tara Reid they are looking at now is largely a reconstructed Terminator version of the actress and that really they are masturbating to pictures of a robot.

–*They’ve seen the pictures, noticed the surgery, realized that they’re masturbating to a robot, but also likely realized that Playboy so excessively retouches and airbrushes its women that pretty much every woman they’re masturbating to in the magazine is a robot.

–*They’ve seen the pictures, noticed they’re masturbating to airbrushed robots and realized that they are masturbating to an over-culturalized ideal of beauty in the first place and that their responses to Tara Reid are mostly conditioned by tastemakers and scum bags.

–*They’ve already seen Tara naked, noticed they’re masturbating to the Terminator and realized that the whole idea of femininity is over-culturalized.

–*They’ve seen her naked, realized they’re masturbating to R2-D2, and figured out that both men and women share masculine and feminine traits and that the cartoonish version of female sexuality that the silicone version of Tara Reid represents is degrading to both men and women alike and fails to address the fullness of a person’s sexuality and humanity.

–*They’ve seen her naked before, they’ve realized they’re jerking off to Robby the Robot, and they realize that all sexual attraction is an illusion based on a need to propagate DNA and that mostly the female object of the male gaze is an elusive and non-existent semion that represents only the male’s ideal version of himself–an unachievable goal that leads him only to frustration and a lack of enlightenment.

–*Seven bucks? Jesus, the porn on the Internet is free!

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Washington, D.C. (API) As he hoped to keep the country united and uplifted among partisan strife and economic difficulties, Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union address Wednesday to the embattled Congress, seeding his speech with all sorts of double entendre, ironic asides and innuendo in hopes of achieving the impossible and somehow telling everybody in the fractious and polarized republic what they think they want to hear, according to their own level of understanding.

“My fellow Americans,” the president said, “One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse, and a government deeply in debt. But today Americans stand larger than ever.”

Obama took the lectern at a time when the political discourse has been as hostile as ever–when America continues to face two wars, rising debt and economic uncertainty. In such critical times, Obama said that Americans will not abide by political mudslinging in Washington.

“We’ve reached a level of public discourse where we’re warm only in the breaches,” he said.

Obama has been accused this year of political miscalculation, however, and he admitted that his Republican challengers have vigorously questioned his health care policies at a critical time.

“With the failure of health care, however, our hearts are truly in question,” Obama said. “Before he died, Ted Kennedy said he wanted health care for all. I wish the Republican leadership would join him now.”

But in a nod to conservatives’ call for fiscal responsibility, Obama said, “We have tried in the past year to curb Wall Street indulgences, but we haven’t had the right tools to fight. I concede that there are many tools on the other side of the aisle this evening.”

Obama said that experts from across the political spectrum warned last year about a second Great Depression, and that his administration acted immediately and aggressively.

“The worst of the storm has passed,” said Obama, “but the recession still blows.”

Obama said that all politicians, including himself, hated the bank bailout.

“Americans don’t understand why they are unemployed when they’ve played by the rules but Wall Street bankers are rewarded for bad behavior. What does that say to the next generation of Americans getting reared?”

Obama at one point said that the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing corporations to spend an unlimited amount of money on political campaigns would harm democracy, a statement that drew rebuke from certain court justices sitting in the hall.

“Now that the Supreme Court has let corporations and possibly foreigners fund the politicians they favor, you can expect a new kind of crony politician to come in your face,” Obama said.

Obama went on to say that he’s cut taxes on most Americans, a statement that drew applause from several Republicans.

“I’m just want to hear about tax cuts,” said Rep. John Boehner, (R-Ohio). “I wasn’t listening any closer than that.”

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–*Nobody wants to read about the internal journey of Richard Nixon as he squares off with a menacing satyr character in the afterlife. And it needs more sex in it.

–*Nobody wants to read a story about the ghost of Richard Nixon stuck in our refrigerator.

–*The whole storyline about the 13-year-old girl coming to grips with her sexuality wasn’t really meshing with the story about the invasion of Normandy.

–*It’s really hard to turn corn/ethanol subsidies into drama, no matter how unfair it is.

–*Our protagonist, a member of a grassroots Tea Party organization, really had no valid points.

–*After our lead character had her sixth autistic child, she was really just losing our sympathy.

–*It’s hard to laugh at the subject of abortion. Unless of course the story is really, really hysterically funny.

–*It’s very hard to write inside the mind of a schizophrenic, an infant, or Glenn Beck.

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Baltimore, Maryland (API) George Hunsacker, a 50-year-old mechanical engineer from Prince George’s County, was getting a root canal one day last November, and recalls that just as he was getting the finishing touches on his enamel polish, his dentist turned to him and politely asked how he would be footing the bill.

The question came as a surprise for Hunsacker, who had hoped to pay through his employer’s insurance plan as he always had. But his dentist suddenly turned belligerent.

“Insurance?” Hunsacker recalls his dentist saying. “Why don’t you just pay me in chickens? Do I look like a friggin’ idiot?”

The dentist then suggested that Hunsacker call his wife and have her raid all the gold in the house, specifically any gold that might have once belonged to a grandparent or that had been passed down as a family heirloom. When Hunsacker said that the only gold was in his daughter’s mouth, his dentist said, “Well you ought to send her over. I’ll get the pliers warmed up.”

All over the country, such stories have become commonplace as America’s dentists increasingly stop accepting insurance, vouchers and the almost worthless U.S. dollar and start demanding instead up-front payment in gold rings, bracelets, pendants, ingots, bars, and scrap. Gold, they say, is the most stable medium of exchange right now–perhaps the only medium of exchange–at a time when the U.S. economy is in a free-falling spiral into the abyss, its fiat currency a laughingstock of the world.

“There’s only one thing that makes a crown in my office, and that’s gold,” jokes Alec Brommelstein, a DDS in Red Bank, New Jersey. “If you don’t have some gold in your house, then I suggest you lay off sweets, because I’m not fixing your god damn teeth anymore.”

Economists are quick to remind U.S. consumers that no paper currency of the world has ever survived, and the U.S. dollar will likely be no exception.

“It’s been propped up for too long by foreign countries using it as a reserve currency,” says economist Ralph J. Exley, a FOREX trader and former head of the Federal Reserve Bank of Idaho. “Pretty soon though, the Chinese are going to be asking, ‘What do we need this shit for?’ America’s going down the tubes.”

“Kings have used gold since the days of ancient Egypt in 1500 B.C. to run their countries,” said Jack Angstrom, a dentist in Manhattan, Kansas. “Meanwhile, insurance company payouts have not kept up with inflation. That’s why I’m going to have to go in and rip this little girl’s teeth out without any Novocain.  It’s sad, I know, but it’s a fact of life.”

Angstrom then disappeared into a dental suite from which blood-curdling screams emerged moments later. Outside, patients lined up carrying the ductile, malleable and shiny metal in the form of scrap, jewelry and other melted down forms, items often carried in briefcases, on dollies and in baby prams.

Most dentists in recent surveys said that they saw insurance companies as hostile to their business models, with 54% of dentists calling insurance companies “scum bags” and the other 46% calling them “homunculuses with tiny vestigial dicks.”

“The insurance industry has been very good to dentists,” said Simon Kennedy, a spokesperson for the Association of American Insurers. “You can believe me or not. I don’t care. We have a shit load of lobbyists.”

Dentists acknowledge that gold has many drawbacks. It doesn’t pay interest–which represents an opportunity cost–and sits idly while other assets appreciate. There are also costs to hold it. However, Brommelstein says none of this will matter in the end as governments expand the money supply, making the U.S. dollar worthless at the same time global warming turns the world into a Malthusian wasteland where humans are hunted like game animals for sport.

“Insurance is a thing of the past,” he said. “The dollar is the thing of the past. Anything but you giving me the sweet precious luminous metal that is gold is a thing of the past.”

He then turned back to a phone call he was taking.

“If you want me to straighten your god damn son’s teeth for his bar mitzvah, I suggest you bring me some of that sweet, sweet gold,” Brommelstein said into the phone. “Take it off your wife’s god damned finger if you have to.”

Image: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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I have often promised that I wouldn’t ever turn my blog into a strictly political forum. I hate to sound shrill, even when I’m right. Among other things that I don’t do on this blog anymore are post my poetry, blast my home-made music, or post pictures of Dallas star Victoria Principal naked. Well, I would do the last one, but I don’t own the copyright.

And yet I must say that I feel a bit sad about what happened in Massachusetts last night. There are a lot of people who think that with the state’s election of Scott Brown, a conservative Republican now ironically representing the bluest of states in the U.S. Senate, the political center has turned against President Barack Obama, and my friends on the other side of the political divide insist that I have to take their grievances seriously.

I don’t. Much of what I hear about Barack Obama from his opponents after his first year in office is still bullshit. You may argue with some of his political miscalculations–such as his pursuit of universal health care in the middle of a recession. But that just leads to more questions I would ask of the inquisitors: When is a good time for health care? When is it a good time to raise taxes that are ridiculously and dangerously low, especially when taxes are not what got us into our current financial crisis but unfettered globalization? I am reminded of Bert and Ernie arguing on Sesame Street about when it’s a good time to fix a hole in the roof–you don’t want to when it’s raining out. But why it’s not raining, you no longer see the need.

At some point, somebody has to fix the hole.

Democrats seem to have this unwarranted reputation that they “tax and spend.” That argument is easily eclipsed by the more venial image forming of Republicans in the last 20 years–that they simply spend. No, not just spend. They borrow truckloads of other people’s money, mainly the money of the Chinese and Saudis, so that they can do their big, big spending. They easily outspent Democrats when their great heroes Ronald Reagan and George W. Bush were in office. A Democrat who taxes and spends ought to look pretty responsible by comparison. Taxing and spending allows you to balance the budget, as Bill Clinton did. Just spending allows you to run up monstrously high deficits, like Bush and Reagan did.

So what’s got me so steamed about the seemingly Blue State of Massachusetts suddenly turning red in an off-election year?

Let’s start with some insights from a biz conference today (I do write about finance, as some of you know):

A former president of the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, not exactly a bomb-throwing communist, said that the problem with populist outrage like the sort seen in Massachusetts last night is that it tends to discount all government activity, whether it’s useful or not, helpful or not, wasteful or not, necessary or not. Many of those “independent” voters of Massachusetts who voted for Republican Scott Brown likely do not make more than $200,000 a year and probably haven’t looked at the tax rebates and incentives they’re getting from the federal government this year. Instead, they’re listening to fire-breathing demagogues and end-of-the-world types. Exit polls found that voters were simply unhappy with everybody in Congress and so they masochistically took it out on themselves and voted for somebody whom they disagree with on most issues. Cutting off your nose to spite your face much?

Then we get to the elephant in the room, and in this case, it’s a raging male elephant suffering from a case of musth:

Unemployment is at 10% and is probably going to stay high. This is not a result of George Bush’s or Barack Obama’s stimulus packages in the last 13 months. If these two had not responsibly come to the rescue of the economy, most economists would agree that unemployment would probably be a lot higher, since, after all, our financial system would have collapsed. Twenty percent unemployment? Thirty? Fifty? How ambitious are the Tea Party Republicans feeling? My friend Gene used to wear an anarchy jacket, and I wonder if he would like to hand it over to the real anarchists of today: Dick Armey, Grover Norquist and Glenn Beck.

Our recession, in terms of business productivity, is over, something Obama didn’t talk about enough with the good people of the Bay State. But globalization is amplifying the unemployment problem: When the labor comes back on line, this time it’s going to go to China and India, where it’s cheaper. U.S. wages for low-skill labor are going to drop in this environment (they are already) and they’re not coming back up. Meanwhile, capital is flowing back to the U.S. in the form of reserve currency, causing interest rates to dip and asset bubbles to form. The only thing that’s really going to help American employment in this global economy is to boost exports. Which ironically means we need foreigners to buy our stuff and our services. In other words, we need the Chinese to turn into Americans.

All of this has nothing to do with the health care bill or taxes or Obama. It has to do with free enterprise, which I thought we had all signed on for (most of us). Any Reagan Republican who tells you otherwise is giving you a reach-around.

The idea that Obama exacerbated unemployment (not globalization) or that somehow it’s high taxes that have hobbled the American economy (not globalization) is so laughable on its face that it sends you into a kind of denial about people and what they will believe. I say this because we’re in an age of total government irresponsibility brought on not just by too much spending but too much borrowing. Taxes right now are irresponsibly low and have been since Bush II and maybe even Reagan, the first and best Republican liar on the subject. You can’t start a $2 trillion war without raising taxes. That’s a fact any economist (or historian) worth his or her salt will tell you. Maybe the health care bill was ill-timed, but since people had the political will to start a war with money they didn’t have, Obama gambled that they would also pay for universal health care–something the majority of Americans have INDISPUTABLY wanted for years. I still have a hard time sympathizing with the widespread antipathy to the current health legislation since its opponents lied about it constantly in a highly flashy campaign sponsored by the insurance industry and voters ate up the misinformation like it was all-you-can-eat night at Mr. Spriggs.

So to recap: Obama was slimed by the people of Massachusetts for letting the free markets be free on one hand (not creating government jobs himself) and then for being too interventionist on the other (stopping a catastrophe with bailouts). Yes, the voters were mad. If you mean crazy, I agree.

One of my friends said today that we Democrats are obviously in denial today. I’m not in denial about Massachusetts. We’ve seen bullies and liars get their way a lot in the past 10 years simply by bullying and lying. When so many so-called centrists get rope-a-doped into a bullshit argument because of a timorous inability to fight off these bullies, you can only weep.

So that is all. Tomorrow expect poetry, and perhaps some of my rockin’ music.

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On Tuesday night, the voters of Massachusetts voted to replace the late Sen. Teddy Kennedy, a longtime liberal stalwart and ardent health care reformer, with a conservative upstart cheered on by the Tea Party movement, a candidate who has vowed to vote against health care reform in the Congress. His nay vote could destroy the Democrats’ plans for reform and lay waste to Kennedy’s signature issue by breaking the party’s filibuster proof 60-seat majority.

Why did the people of Massachusetts, which is a long-time liberal stronghold, suddenly decide to go with Republican candidate Scott Brown?

–*Brown has done everything he can to give the people of Massachusetts universal health care, and he even loves them so much he’s going to go one step further and deny it to everybody else.

–*He promised them change, any kind of change. Waterboarding kind of change.

–*Massachusetts is home to a large number of independent voters who hate politics, lies and game playing. Most of all, they hate the game of “Got yer nose.” They always fall for that. Not this time. They will not fall for that again … d’oh!

–*Independents pride themselves on their skepticism. Which is why they have believed everything Glenn Beck has told them all year about communist infiltration of our bodily fluids. And you can take that to the bank.

–*The people of Massachusetts are fed up with high unemployment and rightly blame the Obama administration for causing the recession when he took office eight years ago or something like that.

–*The people of Massachusetts understand that it is not the government’s job to interfere with the free market. “And by the way,” they ask, “why hasn’t the government given me a job yet when communist renegade leader Pol Pot already would have by now?”

–*The people of Massachusetts understand that employment is a lagging indicator and usually starts to increase at the tail end of a recession, after market rebounds like the one we’re seeing now. No wait. They don’t understand that. Never mind. Throw the bums out! Faster, Pussycat! Kill, kill!

–*There were many reports of light snow in Massachusetts on election night. Only a crazy jackass would drive in the snow.

–*The Democratic candidate, a supposed shoo-in named Martha Coakley, was widely thought to have run a lackluster campaign and pundits complained that her message was little more than “I’m a Democrat.” Coakley’s defenders were obviously too hopeful that, weak as her message was, it stood a good chance against the whole “I want to waterboard Arabs again” message.

–*Massachusetts is a hotbed of political independents who want to take a chance on Brown, hoping that he also has their rugged iconoclastic streak: after all, he is against cap and trade; he believes in cutting taxes during a huge budget crisis; he opposes amnesty for immigrants; he opposes gay marriage; he opposes a tax on banks that have recorded huge profits after taking government stimulus money to stay afloat; and he has the Tea Party seal of approval. In fact, he’s so independent he doesn’t hold any of the beliefs of the people he’s representing.

–*Bay Staters are all sure that the first thing a young Republican Senator with no friends in Congress is going to do is start playing by his own rules and burning bridges with Republican leaders just to show everybody how politically open minded he is. Yeah, that’s really going to happen.

–*They were drunk?

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–*A wedding cake with all 1,000 pages of the prenuptial agreement written on the top in rolled fondant.

–*A cake representation of baby’s first solid poop.

–*A giant bursting cake depicting the Hindenburg disaster.

–*A giant appendix made of marzipan on the occasion of cousin Joey’s appendectomy.

–*A Three Mile Island Cake

–*A highly graphic bris cake

–*Doing a baby shower cake with a pregnant belly on it that lactates soy milk and suffers from anal prolapse in a special display made of ganache.

–*A hysterectomy cake

–*An episiotomy cake

–*A colostomy cake

–*A first menstruation cake with extra cherry filling

–*A cake that has shrapnel from a Vietnam-era dum-dum round tumbling around inside of it, just like Uncle Joe.

–*A cake for the legal team who defended the use of torture during the Bush administration, featuring a dog pile of enemy combatants unprotected by the Geneva Convention.

–*You know what would be cooler than a stripper jumping out of a cake? How about a stripper handing you a subpoena for family court?

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–*In an innovative advertising approach, each Golden Globe moment is sponsored by a different advertiser. Chrysler, for instance, sponsors actress Mo’Nique from Precious giving the first speech ever in iambic pentameter.

–*Julianna Margulies thanks CBS for allowing scripted shows on television. Does that tell you anything that she has to thank them for it? It used to be it was their fucking business. Now they want appreciation for doing us a fucking favor.

–*We learn that Heather Graham likes to keep fit by working out and there’s a humanitarian disaster going on in Haiti.

–*The hunk of sex that is Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks, with her giant creamy chest and milk white skin, inspires men and women alike to turn to each other and make children and thus continue the human bloodline.

–*Kendra Wilkinson beats out Kim Kardashian, Audrina Patridge and Paris Hilton in the “Person Wasting Precious Drinking Water” category.

–*Snapple sponsors the first joke at the expense of NBC and its late night TV programming debacle. “Snapple. The best stuff on Earth just got better and Jeff Zucker is an idiot.”

–*Alec Baldwin skips the Golden Globes for a previously scheduled appointment to clean out the all-you-can-eat buffet at Mr. Spriggs.

–*The Hangover wins the Golden Globe for best comedy, which is a little bit like Bachelor Party winning the Oscar.

–*James Cameron wins as best director for The Jungle Book.

–*Nobody on camera seems to be responding to the Ricky Gervais humor. Either Americans still have no appreciation for subtle English wit or it’s just the Botox making Hollywood as a whole unable to laugh.

–*Robert Downey Jr. is legally prohibited from having any sort of post-awards fun.

–*Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out and announces that NBC Universal and the state of California are being sold to the Chinese in a series of syndicated private placement investments.

–*This reminder that the nation of Haiti has endured thousands of deaths in its recent earthquake, a disaster that has exacerbated the conditions of this island nation, the poorest in the Western Hemisphere, where political corruption and sub-standard living conditions are the rule, is sponsored by WD-40.

–*Martin Scorsese’s career retrospective is sponsored by beating people to death with a pool cue.

–*Sandra Bullock insists that she didn’t deserve her award, and she is so, so right on the money.

–*The Biggest Loser wins the award for the only thing keeping NBC alive.

–*Drew Barrymore, it’s just her speech, she wasn’t prepared and all the people she worked with over the years, she’s been here so many times, she never expected to win, all you people have helped her become a human being and it’s not just the cameramen and the crew and the producer that she loves everybody and that accent that’s not even her that’s other people … and did she stress that she wasn’t prepared?

–*Mickey Rourke proves the theory of certain linguists that a human being can read words off a card without understanding them.

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Help Haiti!

I just gave $100 to Doctors Without Borders for help with the Haitian earthquake crisis and I encourage all my readers to do the same!

Support Doctors Without Borders in Haiti

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–*I lost my job. Am I a loser?

–*Why has George Clooney fallen out of love with me? Did I do something wrong?

–*I know I’m going deaf because I just can’t hear the first 30 minutes of McCabe & Mrs. Miller.

–*I must have been dressing too sexy for Mr. Polanski.

–*I wish I didn’t have a sexual orientation that made everybody so uncomfortable.

–*Damn me, always getting shot in the face.

–*Me and my stupid vulnerability to lead paint poisoning.

–*Who am I to ask for health insurance from the government?

–*If I weren’t gay and pro choice, 9/11 just wouldn’t have happened.

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