Archive for January 7th, 2010

What New Year’s Resolutions have people been making throughout history?

–*20,000 B.C.: I must move to a new cave.

–*3000 B.C.: I will kill my friend Mordred and have his woman.

–*2800 B.C.: I think it’s time to have a baby.

–*2500 B.C.: I think I could make a killing with this bronze stuff.

–*2400 B.C. This town really could use a new megalith, and I’m just the cruel bastard who can get it done.

–*2300 B.C. It’s time to stop dicking around finally finish my plan to invade Mesopotamia.

–*35 B.C.: I shall make myself some new sandals.

–*33 A.D. Must betray Jesus, buy new farm with the money.

–*55 A.D.: I shall cut open a bull to exalt the mighty goddess Diana so that by her divine intervention I may reap more grain.

–*70 A.D. Time to do something about those Jews.

–*345 A.D.: I vow to stop persecuting the Christians and shall in fact make Christianity the official religion of my great Roman Empire. Also, I’ll try to randomly kill people less often.

–*582 A.D.: I shall give up this foolish hobby of writing epigrammatic poetry, finally listen to my friends and return to law school in Alexandria.

–*1182: No more crusades for me. What a freakin’ dry heave that was!

–*1209: Time to do something about those Cathars.

–*1524: My dad always beats me in the after dinner belching contest. This year I’m going to kick his ass.

–*1555 A.D. I shall honor my vow of celibacy and only bugger other men.

–*1556 A.D. I shall flosseth more.

–*1688 A.D.: I’m sure to sire a boy this time as long as I follow the instruction of the most advanced books on the matter and tie a wrenching knot around my left testicle with sisal rope.

–*1787: I will stop cleaning sewers, take the idea of madras fibers to the West Indies, and along with my man-servant Doro, will reign as king.

–*1889: I will smoke more, as my doctor says it’s good for my bronchial tubes.

–*1912: I shall go south to Spain for another rest-cure, getting away from my husband so that I shall not cause him more distress with my hysterical neurotic collapses and screaming fits.

–*1928: I’m going to make a boatload of money in this thing my brother told me about called the stock market.

–*1935: I will eat rat and like it.

–*1955: I will try to do my best to root out communists in my midst at all times, even if they are my neighbors, my kinsmen, or my wife.

–*2003: Time to do something about those Iraqis.

–*2009: Time to pay the tax bill for my war against the Iraqis. Hmmm…I wonder if I can get out of it by throwing a temper tantrum.

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