Archive for January 18th, 2010

–*In an innovative advertising approach, each Golden Globe moment is sponsored by a different advertiser. Chrysler, for instance, sponsors actress Mo’Nique from Precious giving the first speech ever in iambic pentameter.

–*Julianna Margulies thanks CBS for allowing scripted shows on television. Does that tell you anything that she has to thank them for it? It used to be it was their fucking business. Now they want appreciation for doing us a fucking favor.

–*We learn that Heather Graham likes to keep fit by working out and there’s a humanitarian disaster going on in Haiti.

–*The hunk of sex that is Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks, with her giant creamy chest and milk white skin, inspires men and women alike to turn to each other and make children and thus continue the human bloodline.

–*Kendra Wilkinson beats out Kim Kardashian, Audrina Patridge and Paris Hilton in the “Person Wasting Precious Drinking Water” category.

–*Snapple sponsors the first joke at the expense of NBC and its late night TV programming debacle. “Snapple. The best stuff on Earth just got better and Jeff Zucker is an idiot.”

–*Alec Baldwin skips the Golden Globes for a previously scheduled appointment to clean out the all-you-can-eat buffet at Mr. Spriggs.

–*The Hangover wins the Golden Globe for best comedy, which is a little bit like Bachelor Party winning the Oscar.

–*James Cameron wins as best director for The Jungle Book.

–*Nobody on camera seems to be responding to the Ricky Gervais humor. Either Americans still have no appreciation for subtle English wit or it’s just the Botox making Hollywood as a whole unable to laugh.

–*Robert Downey Jr. is legally prohibited from having any sort of post-awards fun.

–*Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out and announces that NBC Universal and the state of California are being sold to the Chinese in a series of syndicated private placement investments.

–*This reminder that the nation of Haiti has endured thousands of deaths in its recent earthquake, a disaster that has exacerbated the conditions of this island nation, the poorest in the Western Hemisphere, where political corruption and sub-standard living conditions are the rule, is sponsored by WD-40.

–*Martin Scorsese’s career retrospective is sponsored by beating people to death with a pool cue.

–*Sandra Bullock insists that she didn’t deserve her award, and she is so, so right on the money.

–*The Biggest Loser wins the award for the only thing keeping NBC alive.

–*Drew Barrymore, it’s just her speech, she wasn’t prepared and all the people she worked with over the years, she’s been here so many times, she never expected to win, all you people have helped her become a human being and it’s not just the cameramen and the crew and the producer that she loves everybody and that accent that’s not even her that’s other people … and did she stress that she wasn’t prepared?

–*Mickey Rourke proves the theory of certain linguists that a human being can read words off a card without understanding them.

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