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Posts Tagged ‘Golden Globes’

What were some of the highlights of the 2013 Golden Globe Awards?

–*Jodie Foster took 50 years and what seemed like 10 minutes to come out of the closet.

–*In her speech accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award, Foster begged for privacy and then said she was lonely and single and went into excruciating detail about how she liked her lesbian sex.

–*E! Entertainment television’s pre-show noted that the red carpet was thick with highly glamorous possible flu carriers.

–*Salma Hayek’s and Paul Rudd’s inability to improvise during a teleprompter gaffe cost millions of dollars in precious air seconds, time that they must pay back with their lives!

–*To get a Steven Spielberg movie made about him, Abraham Lincoln had to pay for it … with his life!

–*Former president Bill Clinton came to introduce the film Lincoln, about America’s controversial 16th president whose record is very mixed among historians.

–*Lena Dunham proves with her show Girls that if you’re naked a lot, on some level you can’t really be insufferably coy.

–*As we honor President Abraham Lincoln at an awards show, we must wonder if his last thought might have also been, “Hey, this is a pretty good show!”

–*Lena Dunham made a joke about the 2000 Oscars, which means she’s been watching these shows since she was 2.

–*Kanye West breathed a sigh of relief when he saw how badly Taylor Swift can behave at an awards show.

–*Tony Mendez, the hero of the film Argo, made a speech onstage about his Iran mission in very hushed tones, far away from his microphone, leading one to ask: “Did anyone tell Mendez the mission was declassified? They made a movie about it!”

–*”Adele!”

–*Kevin Costner once carried the moral authority of the masculine American on the big screen. But now everybody’s gay and we all think he’s a douche bag.

–*Tommy Lee Jones is a star. But he is a distant star, and when he laughs at a joke, unfortunately we will not see it for 2.5 million years.

–*Tina Fey and Amy Poehler show that when you insult Americans you better be an American, Ricky Gervais.

–*Look, we know Sacha Baron Cohen is making fun of us. The real surprise and delight comes from figuring out how he’s making fun of us. This can take days to work out.

–*Argo proves that Ben Affleck is no fluke as a director. His acting career, however, continues to be a fluke.

–*Zero Dark Thirty has been called controversial by those who say it implicitly supports the American policy of torture. Torture among teenagers is already up 30%, says a worried Ed Asner.

–*Meryl Streep couldn’t be here tonight because being lauded so much has finally made her physically ill.

–*Really, I don’t think I was kidding about that Kanye West thing. If he had a football right now, he’d be spiking it!

–*The Golden Globes has people hotly anticipating the Oscar race now that people know how many good movies accidentally got made last year.

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Totally shedding irony and calling it like he saw it, Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais slammed some of Hollywood’s biggest stars and the sponsor of Sunday’s gala awards show, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, with vicious putdowns not to be taken with any sort of humor whatsoever.

“Johnny Depp is a no talent hack,” said Gervais, popping open a split of champagne and sitting down cross-legged on the stage with a big sandwich. “And Angelina Jolie is a whore. I suggest her next tattoo be a warning label.”

The Golden Globes audience and viewers at home were shocked and offended by Gervais’ scandalizing of Hollywood’s elite within minutes of the show’s opening, but he showed no signs of remorse, and in short order dispatched Christian Bale, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Cher. He was especially harsh on Jolie and Depp, whose film “The Tourist” was, he said, “a waste of money, a film with no merit, the kind of thing a dung beetle would roll away on its hind legs if it could. Not even chemotherapy could put this film in remission.”

“Cher’s old and has got no brains,” continued Gervais. “Don’t get me started on Brad Pitt. He is not talented and should be giving blowjobs in a Santa Fe rest stop to crystal meth addled truck drivers.”

“Steve Carell is a horrible blighted egg sack,” said Gervais. “I invented ‘The Office.'”

Sensing that the audience had begun to turn against him but showing no remorse, Gervais turned and bit the hand that fed him, attacking the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

“If you weren’t standing next to celebrities or throwing them dog and pony shows, there would be nothing to get you between your doses of Paxil. I spit on you people.”

Some wondered about the judgment of the Foreign Press Association hiring a well-known obstreperous comedian known for his scathing attacks on art, ethics, politesse and common decency and the concept of God as a real person. They seemed to be surprised that he took very seriously his assignment to dispatch the formality of the stuff shirt event by turning into a mean-spirited prick.

“I would kill every one of you with a ball peen hammer. Robert Downey, Jr.–everybody knows he’s on crack. Charlie Sheen is a well-known frequenter of prostitutes. His new girlfriend is famous for doing anal porno films. No, I have no follow-up punchline. The ignominy and awfulness of it speaks for itself, like this awards show.”

Gervais ended the evening by thanking everyone for being good sports, and by that he meant, “You’ve got hired help to kiss your ass. I’m not going to do it.” He then said he was an atheist and recommended that people see “The Social Network,” which was actually a pretty good film.

“Every once in a while, Hollywood accidentally makes one,” he concluded.

Bruce Willis was philosophical about the night.

“I guess this fooferaw is going to be in the paper tomorrow because you’ve got nothing better to write about like warfare and poverty. Maybe Gervais is right. Maybe journalists are pieces of shit.”

The Golden Globes traditionally has no host. It is also traditionally considered a joke.

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–*In an innovative advertising approach, each Golden Globe moment is sponsored by a different advertiser. Chrysler, for instance, sponsors actress Mo’Nique from Precious giving the first speech ever in iambic pentameter.

–*Julianna Margulies thanks CBS for allowing scripted shows on television. Does that tell you anything that she has to thank them for it? It used to be it was their fucking business. Now they want appreciation for doing us a fucking favor.

–*We learn that Heather Graham likes to keep fit by working out and there’s a humanitarian disaster going on in Haiti.

–*The hunk of sex that is Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks, with her giant creamy chest and milk white skin, inspires men and women alike to turn to each other and make children and thus continue the human bloodline.

–*Kendra Wilkinson beats out Kim Kardashian, Audrina Patridge and Paris Hilton in the “Person Wasting Precious Drinking Water” category.

–*Snapple sponsors the first joke at the expense of NBC and its late night TV programming debacle. “Snapple. The best stuff on Earth just got better and Jeff Zucker is an idiot.”

–*Alec Baldwin skips the Golden Globes for a previously scheduled appointment to clean out the all-you-can-eat buffet at Mr. Spriggs.

–*The Hangover wins the Golden Globe for best comedy, which is a little bit like Bachelor Party winning the Oscar.

–*James Cameron wins as best director for The Jungle Book.

–*Nobody on camera seems to be responding to the Ricky Gervais humor. Either Americans still have no appreciation for subtle English wit or it’s just the Botox making Hollywood as a whole unable to laugh.

–*Robert Downey Jr. is legally prohibited from having any sort of post-awards fun.

–*Arnold Schwarzenegger comes out and announces that NBC Universal and the state of California are being sold to the Chinese in a series of syndicated private placement investments.

–*This reminder that the nation of Haiti has endured thousands of deaths in its recent earthquake, a disaster that has exacerbated the conditions of this island nation, the poorest in the Western Hemisphere, where political corruption and sub-standard living conditions are the rule, is sponsored by WD-40.

–*Martin Scorsese’s career retrospective is sponsored by beating people to death with a pool cue.

–*Sandra Bullock insists that she didn’t deserve her award, and she is so, so right on the money.

–*The Biggest Loser wins the award for the only thing keeping NBC alive.

–*Drew Barrymore, it’s just her speech, she wasn’t prepared and all the people she worked with over the years, she’s been here so many times, she never expected to win, all you people have helped her become a human being and it’s not just the cameramen and the crew and the producer that she loves everybody and that accent that’s not even her that’s other people … and did she stress that she wasn’t prepared?

–*Mickey Rourke proves the theory of certain linguists that a human being can read words off a card without understanding them.

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(Originally posted Monday, January 12, 2009)

What were some of the things overheard at this year’s Golden Globes? (OK, actually overheard at your next-door neighbor’s party in the West Village).

–*”She looks like a tramp!”

–*”What are they thinking?”

–*”Is this a wax museum?”

–*”Miss Havisham called! She wants her skeleton back!”

–*”Drew Barrymore looks she’s been embalmed.”

–*”Shoot that guy in the face!”

–*”I just don’t buy Lisa Rinna’s newfound wisdom about aging and internal beauty. I think she doth protest too much.”

–*”Is Maggie Gyllenhall stupid?”

–*”She looks like my dead cat.”

–*”Nietzsche said that when man cannot express himself because of self-consciousness, he turns to art as an act of ressentiment. … You know, I think Nietzsche’s dead, syphilis-ridden corpse would look better than Renee Zellweger does tonight.”

–*”Brad and Angelina talked to Billy Bush but not Ryan Seacrest. Evidently, there’s some kind of difference between these two red carpet hosts that only sophisticated connoisseurs of idiocy know about.”

–*”Did everybody decide to dress badly tonight just to confuse all of us catty people at once?”

–*”Did Mickey Rourke win an award just to confuse all of us catty people at once.”

–*”I sure hope this feeling of superiority I’m supposed to be feeling kicks in soon.”

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