Posts Tagged ‘Charlie Sheen’

Los Angeles (API)–After watching him spin out of control in a bitter, drunken, profanity-laced tirade, America tried to put Charlie Sheen to bed on Thursday night, spending some 90 minutes attempting to pull him upstairs and take his boots off, reported TMZ.

Sheen started the night on a high note with mocking self-deprecation and a couple of Brandy Alexanders: “The picture of his old charming self,” said America, but suddenly the quixotic “Two and a Half Men” star began hurling abuses at America as well as the producer of his hit CBS television show.

“I have family-comedy magic spewing out of my cock,” yelled Sheen at America. “I’m a big titted hit and nobody can stop me ever.”

America, used to the abuse and bad behavior from Sheen, including his rampage in several New York and Los Angeles hotel rooms, tried to justify it, explaining that his alcoholism and tete-a-tetes with prostitutes and porn stars stemmed mostly from his great sensitivity as an actor and artist.

“Nobody understands Charlie,” said America. “He’s just a big kid. He’s really a good man and we just can’t stand to see him ache.”

Sheen had been doing OK until 8 p.m., when he told America to stop nagging him about his fourth drink, a mojito that America had garnished with fresh sugar cane, just the way Charlie likes it.

“You just can’t cope with the rate at which I’m rehabilitating,” he told America. “And by the way, [“Two and a Half Men” producer] Chuck Lorre is a maggot who has to barf on his own food to eat it. My shit is his gold, and he can come scoop comedy gold out of my asshole if he’s got the guts.”

Sheen then knocked into a lamp and America said it was just an accident and that Sheen was having an adverse reaction to Sudafed. Sheen then asked a visiting reporter if he realized that thousands of Libyans were protesting to have “Two and Half Men” put back on air.

“This whole Middle East business is about me,” said Sheen, exhibiting classic signs of substance abuse, narcissistic personality disorder and likely the DTs.

“What America doesn’t understand,” said Dr. Thaddeus Evans, a Riverside, Calif. therapist, “Is that every time she laughs at one of Charlie’s jokes or tells him he’s great, she’s really just building up his resistance to treatment and intervention. His delusions of grandeur are a way of protecting a fragile ego that he hasn’t built up from within, and America is doing him no favors by protecting that false self image, telling him how great he is, or giving him back his 9 p.m. slot.”

“You all will milk comedy gold from my man tits!” yelled Sheen. “Chuck Lorre, if that’s his real Jewish name, will be knocked down by the big dick that I swing over all of Holly wood and the world. I call all of my fans to arms! We must get “Two and a Half Men” back on the air before America is further punished!”

America then asked a couple of TMZ reporters to grab Sheen’s feet after he passed out into a baby sapling ficus tree given to him by a porn star who sometimes lives on the premises and is known for her hit film “Eerie Canals.”

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Totally shedding irony and calling it like he saw it, Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais slammed some of Hollywood’s biggest stars and the sponsor of Sunday’s gala awards show, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, with vicious putdowns not to be taken with any sort of humor whatsoever.

“Johnny Depp is a no talent hack,” said Gervais, popping open a split of champagne and sitting down cross-legged on the stage with a big sandwich. “And Angelina Jolie is a whore. I suggest her next tattoo be a warning label.”

The Golden Globes audience and viewers at home were shocked and offended by Gervais’ scandalizing of Hollywood’s elite within minutes of the show’s opening, but he showed no signs of remorse, and in short order dispatched Christian Bale, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Cher. He was especially harsh on Jolie and Depp, whose film “The Tourist” was, he said, “a waste of money, a film with no merit, the kind of thing a dung beetle would roll away on its hind legs if it could. Not even chemotherapy could put this film in remission.”

“Cher’s old and has got no brains,” continued Gervais. “Don’t get me started on Brad Pitt. He is not talented and should be giving blowjobs in a Santa Fe rest stop to crystal meth addled truck drivers.”

“Steve Carell is a horrible blighted egg sack,” said Gervais. “I invented ‘The Office.'”

Sensing that the audience had begun to turn against him but showing no remorse, Gervais turned and bit the hand that fed him, attacking the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

“If you weren’t standing next to celebrities or throwing them dog and pony shows, there would be nothing to get you between your doses of Paxil. I spit on you people.”

Some wondered about the judgment of the Foreign Press Association hiring a well-known obstreperous comedian known for his scathing attacks on art, ethics, politesse and common decency and the concept of God as a real person. They seemed to be surprised that he took very seriously his assignment to dispatch the formality of the stuff shirt event by turning into a mean-spirited prick.

“I would kill every one of you with a ball peen hammer. Robert Downey, Jr.–everybody knows he’s on crack. Charlie Sheen is a well-known frequenter of prostitutes. His new girlfriend is famous for doing anal porno films. No, I have no follow-up punchline. The ignominy and awfulness of it speaks for itself, like this awards show.”

Gervais ended the evening by thanking everyone for being good sports, and by that he meant, “You’ve got hired help to kiss your ass. I’m not going to do it.” He then said he was an atheist and recommended that people see “The Social Network,” which was actually a pretty good film.

“Every once in a while, Hollywood accidentally makes one,” he concluded.

Bruce Willis was philosophical about the night.

“I guess this fooferaw is going to be in the paper tomorrow because you’ve got nothing better to write about like warfare and poverty. Maybe Gervais is right. Maybe journalists are pieces of shit.”

The Golden Globes traditionally has no host. It is also traditionally considered a joke.

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