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Archive for March, 2013

Turning My Pages This Color Today

It’s about marriage equality. And it’s about time.

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What is Francis I’s agenda now that he has been elected Pope?

–*He heads off to the Room of Tears to don his papal vestments and remove the cleaning ticket.

–*To prove he is infallible, he must predict tonight’s meal, which must then be served.

–*He can pick out 10 people from the crowd and canonize them on the spot, hopefully a few hot chicks.

–*He should make up with a few new completely arbitrary and physically painful rituals just to win the respect of any cardinals who did not vote for him.

–*He must get even with Don Barzini and the heads of the other five families as he baptizes his nephew.

–*He’s got to pray a lot in front of a lot of important statues, keeping the language specific so that it doesn’t look a little superstitious maybe.

–*After inspecting the papal apartments, he must observe in Latin, “Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”

–*After hour six, maybe he could lighten the mood with a little joke. How about remarking at Castel Gandolfo, “None shall pass!”

–*He must thank Harvey Weinstein.

–*On Thursday, he must blame the preceding Pope for the failed economy, as per tradition.

–*He must give a speech adhering to tradition and resisting outside forces of modernization that corrupt our souls–like premarital sex and fiduciary transparency at the Vatican bank.

–*He should set to work on a 20,000 word ex cathedra encyclical taking a stand on eros versus agape, tradition versus modernization, or the Beatles versus the Stones.

–*He should take a ride in his new fancy ass car.

–*Sugar doesn’t make you fat when you’re infallible. He should eat like a pig.

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