- They shared erotic pictures of themselves on an Indonesian chat site. The court’s verdict: sexy!
- This $2 bill was sitting at the bottom of his sock drawer like a $3 diamond.
- We’ll never know what the dinosaurs thought of fast food.
- This blogger said that his child’s painting should be worth $2 million at least. Just look at those colors!
- Watch this adorable lion cub tussle and tumble with his brothers and try to understand that they are learning to murder.
- This car wash hack was completely useless to this pedestrian.
- This Amazon Go store never opened but you can still imagine it in the empty space Amazon left for you to stare at.
- Kick your online privacy up a notch by faking your own death.
- This dogsledder did himself no favors when he told the world he was actually a cat person.
- It’s now more important than ever to have a poker face at the company Christmas party.
- This couple is sad and disgusted by their totally avoidable 30-year age difference.
- This urban designer is already thinking a million years ahead to when we’re all being engulfed by karst sinkholes.
- This newborn doesn’t forgive lightly for you pushing them out of your womb.
- These old videos surfaced of people sexualizing Seth Rogen in 2022, and needless to say … it was awkward!
- Bra. Lamp. Fire. It’s all rogue!
- This Black columnist is the only one who can beat up on a Black entertainer. Everyone else doing it is racist.
- Not Pretty: These strippers are getting pretty lewd when talking about their healthcare plan deductibles.
- This plumber shrugged and said, “You should have used copper.”
- This gun killed everybody but the intruder because physics.
- This Rasmussen Reports (no relation) innocently asked if it was OK to be white then snuck out the door after starting millions of unnecessary arguments which Rasmussen Reports had no way of knowing would happen because it insists it was just asking a normal, scientific question that many white supremacists would ask.
- She opened the present and it was Anna, not Elsa. What happened next surprised no one.
- You won’t be surprised at what this guy who bought pizza with crypto eight years ago more recently did with his firearm.
- We celebrated the one year anniversary of Will Smith finding a novel solution to the problem of being universally liked.
Posted in Comedy, The Web, Will Smith, Seth Rogen, Rasmussen Reports, Amazon, Chris Rock, crypto, dogsled | Leave a Comment »
- Madonna looks unrecognizable in this potato sack.
- This picture of a stuffed animal fills you with feelings of nostalgia about your lost youth, admit it!
- This cracked intake manifold was just the last straw in what seems like a life of total failure.
- This nursing mom was nailing it as she passed on vital nutrients to her baby.
- Lionel Barrymore is dead, which just confirms what everybody thought.
- We asked these YouTubers to take the Ozempic challenge, and they did not disappoint.
- This asexual couple is not apologizing for their totally chaste Friday night.
- This Botox cannon blasted a female influencer clear into the next cornfield.
- We’re not totally sure whether we should be sexualizing this penniless 72-year-old in her bandeau bikini top.
- These six doctors on Long Island couldn’t give a shit if you’re dying.
- We unraveled Alexandra Daddario’s genome to see if she could be any sexier in this Instagram undies selfie.
- This woman has no apologies about having her gallstones removed.
- This guy tells you how to get into an OK college by making fair to middling grades.
- Kari Lake cannot, in fact, harvest her loss in the Arizona governor’s race to offset capital gains.
- You’re opening your mail all wrong.
- This lawyer killed it when she overcame the hurdle rate in her grantor retained annuity trust.
- This young surgeon wasn’t ready to see a patient’s spleen get that big.
- These mom hacks will have your kids taken away by social services.
- Tucker Carlson on how and when and under what conditions that you, too, can be happy.
- How a gun can take your meh parking space tiff to the next level.
- How to give smirk-shaped kisses just like Ben Shapiro.
- Why the best part of this Cracker Barrel breakfast was the morning-after pill.
- Why your 10-year-old’s YouTube challenge this morning was evidently to sing every variation of the Burger King “Have it your way” jingle.
- This woman on Reddit says her husband orders salad like an asshole, and she is done!
- Say goodbye to your windshield. That’s hail!
- This facial recognition software says pretty definitively that Anne Boleyn looked just like Manson Family member Susan Atkins.
- Look at this shocking disrespect!
- Pope says Facebook unfriending works just as well as excommunication.
- Are you shaming the right people? Take this quiz.
Posted in Comedy, Satire, The Internet | Tagged Anne Boleyn, artificial intelligence, Ben Shapiro, Clickbait, Facial recognition software, Susan Atkins, Tucker Carlson, Yahoo | Leave a Comment »
Breaking news,
Anne Sexton died almost 50 years ago
Jar lids were pulled off
With rubber grips in
Mourning
The wings beat at the dozens per second
And the peroxide told its secrets to hair
Dogs have powerful bone jaws
And scrape metaphors off ribs
And they eat us out from the inside
With ravenous disloyalty
On Moloch lakes
Where former angels watched
Their wings become ash and turds
Another day a mind contends with
Living in flesh
Flued and sooted
But loses
And forgets itself
Dissolves
Into heroic glands
Talk to them
Not to me
I’ll be new tomorrow
We all are
Until ossified
And broken as news
Posted in Poetry | Tagged Anne Sexton, Poetry | Leave a Comment »
Watered with limitless
Liquor
Amber ton’c
Profane as a red sky
Tonight you laughed so hard
You made a faint
vasovagal syncope
on the Seraglio toilet
The head Selim
Ghazals rushing from bibulous skull
When a sultan thirsts
Apollyon cracks
Visions of Greeks escaping
Wooden smack
Skin flayed
Eyes on Famagusta
Eyes on the Pale Spaniards
And Venetian’s
Every lipstick, a traitor
Every betrayal, a bath
A mouth minty
With curses.
A seaman by nature
Is impulsive;
In dream canals,
He smashed his navies.
Under arched eyebrows,
A grand vizier
birthed Serb Bosnian
Who laddered the bones of
The fratricides
Mapped around the lake,
“Sappers sell to Volga and Don
Janissaries mail for the water
Communication,” said
A shaved beard grows faster
Than a severed arm.
Lent his lettered brain for a
Sot writing about orgies during his orgies
While their Mustafa
Was lent Cyprus ears and noses
To harvest rape grape
And vintage vine
And the sot
Wrote poems of heedless love
As hateful history somehow
left the bastard happy innocent
Dying in her behind.
Posted in Poetry | Tagged Ottoman Empire, Selim, Sultan | Leave a Comment »
Cinema has lost one of its Michelangelos. You can’t exaggerate about the influence Jean-Luc Godard has had on movies. He reinvented the way we watch them, first through his influence in France in the 1960s, then on the American cinema of the 1970s and around the world ever after. Godard was a destroyer of cinematic conventions, showing the audience that his camera was a spying device, reminding viewers that they were accomplices in a game of false objectivity.
He was so obsessed with environment and the psychology of location that he figured you might as well turn the camera away from the actors and shoot the film crew sometimes. He let technical imperfections in a piece of celluloid or sound show his artist’s hand, the way a drip painter might. He could leave one actor and follow a new one just to see if she were doing something interesting. He could stop a petty crime story and have two lovers sit in bed and talk about their feelings for an hour. He turned up his nose at things first year film students learn–like continuity between one action and another.
He taught us new rhythms not only in where he cut the film but in how he paced the drama of two people talking. My guess is that if you could tap your foot to a movie, he gave us the time signature that was the cinema of the 1970s, including “The Godfather” and “Taxi Driver.”
Godard was a beautiful interpreter of Hegel and shortly thereafter a profoundly stupid Marxist (a trap a lot of intellectuals fall into) who liked to turn housewives into prostitutes and rock bands into revolutionaries in increasingly tedious ways. He didn’t think you could capture things like the Holocaust on film without creating it through false aesthetics, therefore he rejected films like “Schindler’s List” on artistic grounds that very often sounded like moral ones. (I think of him when I remember Atom Egoyan’s misbegotten attempt to handle the Armenian genocide by not handling it).
Godard was also the Israel critic who didn’t mind himself when his comments seeped into anti-Semitism. His obsession with what was fake and what wasn’t led him early on to recreate our film language–and later in life led him to artistic dead ends. He was often, like the late Christopher Hitchens, an occasionally insufferable blustering blowhard–whom for some reason you couldn’t live without.
My favorite Godard film is “Contempt,” in which you watch a marriage disintegrate in front of your very eyes over semantics and ennui and the crushing weight of minutes. He made it early in his career when he was still curious about how humans interacted and his amazing style still didn’t allow doctrine to be inflicted so much on his characters. After that, there’s plenty to love: “Breathless,” “My Life To Live,” “Alphaville,” “Pierrot le Fou,” “Two or Three Things I Know About Her.” Others can fill out my list.
There are probably going to be some nasty things written about him today, just as there were about the queen. So I’ll say something I hope Jean-Luc would have appreciated: “You were the shit we couldn’t live without.”
Posted in Film & TV | Tagged Breathless, Contempt, director, French New Wave, Jean-Luc Godard | Leave a Comment »
I grew up with at least three guns in my house in Oklahoma, including long guns and handguns, and learned to shoot them when I was young. So I’ve been hearing the flawed reasoning of gun rights supporters my whole life. We are hearing them again after the mass murder of children in Uvalde, Texas. I myself didn’t care much about the gun issue until 20 children were slaughtered, along with six adults, in Newtown, Connecticut in 2012. Then I realized kids were dying every day unnecessarily because people like me were not speaking up about what we knew.
The following is a list of things gun enthusiasts will say to you in the backlash as most Americans demand sensible gun laws. The assertions are going to include outright lies about history and physics, logical fallacies and cute bumper sticker slogans that talk around the substance of the argument. (“Guns don’t kill people” is irrelevant to the question of whether people should be allowed to have them.)
But you can answer these things, because in the end, the words are almost always rooted in childhood defense mechanisms. And that’s because gun fans have been taught to say these things (and not think about them) since childhood.
Them: “Gun laws don’t work. Criminals will just get guns wherever.”
You: “Three hundred thousand gun purchases were blocked in 2020. That’s 300,000 people who were so unable to get guns ‘wherever’ that they risked going exactly to places where they would fail.”
Them: “The founding fathers wanted us to have the strongest weapons so we could fight the government.”
You: “The Second Amendment was written amid a discussion about the best way to put down rebellions against the government. Which is why the militia wording is in there. And founding father Thomas Jefferson curtailed gun rights in his successive drafts of the Virginia constitution. So there is actual written proof that the founding fathers didn’t believe in limitless gun rights.”
Them: “Why do people want to punish good, law-abiding gun owners after a shooting?”
You: “Why do ‘good’ gun owners pursue policies that protect the worst gun owners? Let’s put it another way: If you hate the idea of watering down of schools’ test standards because you think it’s unfair to students who make an ‘A,’ apply that logic to yourself. If gun laws are watered down, it really doesn’t matter how “good and law-abiding” you think you are–because you’ve asked to have no standards in the first place. And thus the rest of us don’t have to treat you with the respect you’re craving because you’ve basically asked us to give you a participation trophy.
Them: “Most liberals won’t tell you, but most gun deaths are suicides.”
You: “Yes, statistically speaking, you have reminded us what these weapons are mostly good for.”
Them: “There are too many guns in this country and you can’t confiscate them all.”
You: “You don’t need to confiscate them. Tough gun laws change the way these guns flow through society, the same way federal monetary policy changes the way money flows through the economy. Good policy affects the points at which guns are allowed to be sold, moved and transferred and the extent to which they are allowed to be loaded and modified. Bad actors are usually caught tripping over these invisible wires because they are often doing something else illegal. When the guns are illegal, they can be seized. When they are seized, they don’t put bullets in children’s bodies.”
Them: “I read about a guy who defended his home with a gun on Monday.”
You: “Great! Now tell me about 30 more guys who defended their home with a gun on Monday and you will be tied with the people who used guns to murder.”
Them: “When seconds count, the police are minutes away. … In other words, better to have a gun.”
You: “Your gun is also minutes away. Because nobody has a few seconds to stop bullets already flying, a struggle already in place, an ambush in progress. In fact, given how much hindsight is involved in gun fans’ explanation of how violence works, the gun always seems to be days, months or years away.”
Them: “The left always demonizes law-abiding gun owners after a shooting!”
You: “If you try to force murder weapons into the hands of teachers to try to hide the fact your solutions are a failure, then forgive people who might think you are an actual demon. You don’t know exactly what kind of monstrous thing you’ve asked somebody so that a questionable belief you have can be preserved.”
Them: ”People have a natural right to defend themselves with a firearm.”
You: “Guns are designed to shoot someone in the back at 100 yards. No one has a natural right to that power. No one has a moral right to that power. The legal right to that power in the United States has always been complicated and is not what you think.”
Them: “We should just arm teachers.”
You: “The gunman you armed will shoot the teacher first. Probably while that teacher is showing a child how to glue something together. And why are you mobilizing the world and all the people in it to dangerous behavior they don’t want to follow and doing so mainly to accommodate the fact that your reasoning has not worked thus far?”
Them: “They did a study and found more than 6,000 people defended themselves with guns yesterday.”
You: “There is no database of 6,000 gun defenses yesterday. There is no newspaper microfiche repository of 6,000 gun defenses. There are a couple of phone polls of very small numbers of people done by researchers who didn’t validate whether the people bragging had actually used their guns in a legal or illegal way–or really did anything other than yell ‘I have a gun.’ The researchers then amplified these mistakes into 2.5 million gun defenses a year, even though this would suggest that gun owners are experiencing a crime wave like nobody else is and that it’s been going on continuously for a quarter century through the Bush I, Clinton, Bush II, Obama, Trump and Biden eras. The fact that the pro-gun figures don’t take year-to-year crime into account is dispositive that they are fraudulent.
Them: “A good guy with a gun stopped the church shooting at Sutherland Springs, Texas in 2017.”
You: “The NRA instructor who shot Devin Kelley did not stop a mass murder. He put a barely happy coda on it when the killing work was largely done. Kelley successfully killed 26 people and wounded 22 others, doing exactly what he’d set out to do. It really didn’t matter at that point if a bystander or a cop wounded him or ended his life. If the NRA instructor had been in the church, he would have likely been another victim or just as likely shot another congregant in the confusion, which is what usually happens when the good guy with a gun is fighting in close quarters. This is another, gaping hole in the ‘good guy with a gun’ theory. It requires dozens of people to act as a physical distraction so that the hero can get a clean shot.”
Them: “It doesn’t matter what liberals say about guns. They murder babies through abortion.”
You: “The idea that you are ready to turn your backs on slaughtered children as a kind of intellectual trade means your argument is a tactical one, not a moral one, and thus morally indefensible.”
Them: “Knives kill more people than guns.”
You: “That’s a lie. You probably meant to say knives kill more people than rifles, in which case you left out handguns on purpose (a distinction without much difference) and so you were still lying. The bigger point you are trying to make is that knives are just as lethal as guns. If that were the case, you would be OK just having knives. You aren’t because your premise is, again, untrue.
Them: “There’s more crime where there is more gun control.”
You: “That’s another lie. It’s based on a book whose author was caught lying. Quoting a liar makes you a liar also. We have every other developed country to show us how well gun control works, for all the reasons I’ve mentioned. The reason we say it doesn’t work in the U.S. is not derived from a scientific analysis. It stems from a desperate defense of culture. And you can use culture to defend almost anything, even human sacrifice. Which really is how you should be considering your argument right now.”
Posted in Guns, Guns and Other Murder Weapons | Tagged Guns, mass shooting, Texas, Uvalde | 11 Comments »
I would not listen to Greg Abbott give a press conference on a mass shooting in Texas for the same reason I would not listen to Charles Manson give a press conference on the Tate-LaBianca murders.
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »
–*Tom Hardy is completely unrecognizable to those who don’t know who he is.
–*Why words refuse to work with Rudy Giuliani anymore.
–*Why you’ll never know what’s in this confidentiality agreement.
–*Why do we not hear from Leonard Nimoy anymore?
–*Which actresses bared all as part of a routine medical examination?
–*Why this olive branch is a peace symbol and not something you should put in your mouth, Taylor Swift.
–*Why when you click this link, God will not be there.
–*The end is nigh. Invest in gossamer wings.
–*This human growth hormone has had it with Lance Armstrong.
–*This old drunk used to be a young drunk.
–*How come you never hear from your partner’s genitals anymore?
–*How the #MeToo movement has ruined this cabbage cleanse.
–*The market will crash any day, says this investor waiting to buy assets from you on the cheap.
–*Why trading barter corn for dental care is the new normal.
–*Why this famous celebrity never saw the rock coming.
Posted in Comedy | Leave a Comment »
Now that spring has sprung and temperatures are rising, many homeowners are bound to have visits from less-than-welcome creatures. But there is a way to deal with these pesky visitors other than using poison. Consider these natural methods of pest control.
–*Try spraying a little alcohol.
–*Put garlic at any of the ants’ entrance points.
–*Try to reason with the ants using Cartesian logic.
–*Try setting the ants on fire. Everybody knows that fire is natural.
–*Set about 50 anteaters loose in your home.
–*Play John Mayer constantly. The ants will know this is one party they do not want to go to.
–*Everybody knows ants hate chalk. Write “Fuck you, ants,” in chalk on the floor.
–*Make a ton of money and move into a house that’s better built.
–*Essential oils will repel ants but will likely attract Gwyneth Paltrow.
–*Ants communicate with pheromones. Disrupt their communication chain by trying to destroy all pheromones in your house, including your own.
–*Stick your hand into a fire ant pile and let them repeatedly sting you until they become bored with the practice and leave.
Posted in Comedy, Math & Science | 1 Comment »