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I would not listen to Greg Abbott give a press conference on a mass shooting in Texas for the same reason I would not listen to Charles Manson give a press conference on the Tate-LaBianca murders.

–*Tom Hardy is completely unrecognizable to those who don’t know who he is.

–*Why words refuse to work with Rudy Giuliani anymore.

–*Why you’ll never know what’s in this confidentiality agreement.

–*Why do we not hear from Leonard Nimoy anymore?

–*Which actresses bared all as part of a routine medical examination?

–*Why this olive branch is a peace symbol and not something you should put in your mouth, Taylor Swift.

–*Why when you click this link, God will not be there.

–*The end is nigh. Invest in gossamer wings.

–*This human growth hormone has had it with Lance Armstrong.

–*This old drunk used to be a young drunk.

–*How come you never hear from your partner’s genitals anymore?

–*How the #MeToo movement has ruined this cabbage cleanse.

–*The market will crash any day, says this investor waiting to buy assets from you on the cheap.

–*Why trading barter corn for dental care is the new normal.

–*Why this famous celebrity never saw the rock coming.

Now that spring has sprung and temperatures are rising, many homeowners are bound to have visits from less-than-welcome creatures. But there is a way to deal with these pesky visitors other than using poison. Consider these natural methods of pest control.

–*Try spraying a little alcohol.

–*Put garlic at any of the ants’ entrance points.

–*Try to reason with the ants using Cartesian logic.

–*Try setting the ants on fire. Everybody knows that fire is natural.

–*Set about 50 anteaters loose in  your home.

–*Play John Mayer constantly. The ants will know this is one party they do not want to go to.

–*Everybody knows ants hate chalk. Write “Fuck you, ants,” in chalk on the floor.

–*Make a ton of money and move into a house that’s better built.

–*Essential oils will repel ants but will likely attract Gwyneth Paltrow.

–*Ants communicate with pheromones. Disrupt their communication chain by trying to destroy all pheromones in your house, including your own.

–*Stick your hand into a fire ant pile and let them repeatedly sting you until they become bored with the practice and leave.

Salon de la Guerre now has 32 albums available on iTunes, Amazon, YouTube, Bandcamp and other sites where can buy and stream music. My latest is Stereoisomer. You can check out the catalogue here and here.

Salon de la Guerre’s 32nd album is going to come out in the next week. It’s my hardest, fastest, most rockin’ album yet, full of up-tempo alt rock guitar numbers.

To whet your appetite, I’m uploading another cut from SoundCloud. The album will soon appear on iTunes, Amazon, Pandora and YouTube, as well as other music distribution sites, including one big one I won’t mention that’s been in the news for hosting rich asshole anti-vaxxers.

As always, I recorded the album at my home studio in New York City on Logic Pro. I wrote the album, sang on 10 tracks and played guitar on eight of them.

The Banality of Eva

No one ever starts out as a bottom feeder
You’re a pristine block of wood and you carve your own features
Next thing that you know you’re in the tabloid reaches
Got flashlights for eyes just like the dumpster creatures

Made in the trash but
Seeking the light
Morning caller
You’re still made of night
Doing devil’s work
To learn what’s right

Who would ever guess at the banality of Eva
Only those who knew when she was young and peevish
You only had to see she was a little bit tasteless
You only had to know she was a lot impatient

Breaking the mold, wanting to fit in
Never quite knowing what suit she’s in
Wanting to be a celebrity
Wanting to crush all her enemies

Stylish stylish stylishly late
For your for your destiny with fate
Come to be come everything you hate
Your average-ness, what you hope is great

My plumbing is all
Messed up after two years
Riding a bike during this Covid
Business

The straws and tubes
With which god made a crotch
Are all bent and skewed
Nothing comes out right
I spatter and dribble piss like
A broken radiator

But I can hiss and sob
A man made old before his time
Graceful in my imperfection

Plato said there are no objects just ideals
So you can think about that as you sadly
Consider my ruined junk

Stereoisomer

Salon de la Guerre is releasing its 32nd album in a few weeks. It’s titled Stereoisomer, and I’m sharing the title track and a few others on Soundcloud today.

Most of the album is unabashedly loud, raunchy, guitar-driven hard rock. After releasing my previous album in November, I set about trying to get a brighter guitar sound than I’d previously achieved with my home recording equipment, and I finally found the magic formula. After that, I knocked out most of the basic tracks in a couple of weekends in December. But then I had to figure out how my voice was going to get around all these bigger electric thrashing sounds (a problem I’ve heard discussed by rockers as diverse as Sting and Iggy Pop). There’s a practical reason heavy metal singers use loud, overblown voices, and I’ve gradually figured out what it is: Big Guitar doesn’t leave much room in the sound picture, and the best singers have to float above it. Then there are people like me who have to fake it.

I also had to figure out which lyrics best suited this particular instrumental attack I’d come up with. That took me a few months. As it happens, there are plenty of things in the world to be angry about (I’m looking at you, Russia) and turning your despair into angry expression is an emancipating act that sometimes only art affords you.

“Stereoisomer”

I shed the costume and now I’m chased by snow drops
Had to shed my parachute gear
Had to let go of the octopus gravity
A Dutch girl crying wish you were here 

Blown out face of a Jugendstil building
Looks like we landed in the zone
I’m a nationless man finding the pins in keyholes
A traitor with a rubber for a soul

Wore a pig costume
Hair done page
Now I enter the metafiction stage
Don’t know love from rage
The human cell is acting its age

Behold the age of aromatic polymers
Benzene rings and nylon legs
Sometimes it’s scary the way things crystallize
Show you the girl, the life you left behind

Did you hear the propellant stop burning
That’s when the V-2 started to fall
See it etch the tomato sky of morning
Hope we live to be amazed by it all

Wore a pig costume
You’re on my cape
Never left the re-entry stage
But the eukaryotic cell plays
Plastic man in a plastic age 

And when I broke, broke through the wall
I found a chemical lab and scored it all
Please send word to Truman
I’m sorry that I’m AWOL

Copyright 2022 Eric Randolph Rasmussen

Mandates

This corn must know it’s growing
Near a chocolate factory
Must smell the smokestacks
And know its own good murder

And we walk a chocolate town
Known by its chocolate river
And its invasive bugs, red on its
Underwings, stretched across
The calligrapher’s book to write its
Invasive thoughts upon,
Looking up with its orange eyes
In hopes of devouring the corn
And leaving its prolific eggs

The kids and the corn and now bugs know again
They are growing near a chocolate factory
And who slaved for what is sweet

D.H. Lawrence wrote of a sensual need for justice

And likewise
The beautiful red-brown lanternfly is smashed under thought
Blue Converse and mandate of state law
Just as the bug serves his own mandate
To devour the Pennsylvania picture at night

Salon de la Guerre has released its first music video. It’s for the song “Lanternfly,” which appears on the album Wings Made of Cash. The video was directed by yours truly.

Wings Made of Cash

I’ve hit a couple of milestones recently in my musical career. One is that I copyrighted my 400th song. I’m also starting to put together what will be my first music video–a mix of animation and photography.

And last but not least is the fact that Salon de la Guerre’s 31st album is available as of this week! It’s a 20-song cycle of pop, rock and electronic silliness about money and obsession and money obsession, as well as the various ways people flail about trying to make themselves happy and follow their own existential bliss.

The album is called Wings Made of Cash, and it’s out on Amazon, iTunes, Spotify, YouTube and other places where music is still sold.

I spent the summer recording this album (along with two classical albums and an ambient album) after getting my hands on Apple’s Logic Pro X software. As I’ve mentioned previously, this was my first time working with a musical score editor, and now that I’m writing in musical notation, I’m finding myself more prolific than ever. Part of my philosophy of music, after all, is to keep things new by changing the approach every so often. I once put Sonic Youth sounds to marching band rhythms. Later, I tried mixing Maybelle Carter’s guitar strumming with Thurston Moore’s alternative tuning. I once tried to mix country music with avant-garde microtonal experiments. I have an album called Yipano in which I improvise a bunch of songs on my son’s keyboard and let the audience in on the intimate and embarrassing fact that I’m very much learning to play the piano in real time.

Sorry to sound like I’m shilling for the late Steve Jobs, but the Apple software has opened a new and magical window in my brain that’s let me conceive many different new musical ideas that I’ll likely be investigating well into the future. For my next act, I’ll likely start plugging real musical instruments into the program (I used only MIDI instruments for this and the three other albums I made over the summer) to see what different sounds emerge.

Wings Made of Cash was composed, arranged, performed and produced by yours truly at my home studio in New York City during the summer of 2021. I also designed the cover. The male model photo is by an artist named “FatSprat” that I came by on a photo service.