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Archive for January, 2014

Warning, your Happy Meal might cause feelings of euphoria.

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(API) Comedy’s old guard came out this month to give a lighthearted poke at punk rocker Courtney Love. Some 200 people attended the event to roast the Hole front woman and widow of venerated grunge rock icon Kurt Cobain, with jokes that left her laughing in the aisles, rolling on the floor and generally gasping for air.

Adam Carolla started the night by calling Love “the first sexually active kindergartener.”

“I tell young girls all the time to be more like Courtney: If you marry the right rich man, you don’t have to explain shit.”

Comedian John Byner said that Love was a true role model to her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. “It’s not every mother and daughter who can exchange restraining orders for Christmas. But I kid. Everybody knows that Courtney gave Frances a good value system, and that was to tell her, ‘Money can’t change the person you are on the inside, especially if you’re already awful.”

Robin Williams said that Love has been hailed as a post-feminist icon, but added, “I think by ‘post-feminist,’ they meant there was something leaking from her anus.” Williams also mentioned that Love had over the years let go of several members of her band Hole. “As we know from biology,” said Williams, “when a Hole gets smaller, it’s actually a sphincter.”

David Brenner said that Love exemplified what rock ‘n’ roll was really all about: “Publishing rights.” He added that Love was very astute about her public exposure: “When you’ve flashed your breasts 80 times, it’s sexy. But that 81st time really let’s everybody know you are about to declare bankruptcy.”

“I like to keep up with Courtney on Twitter,” said Brenner. “Think of it as a great safe harbor for libel …  if you’re really, really stupid.”

“Also, I should stress that Courtney is no ‘twit.’ That would really be getting a vowel wrong.”

Daniel Tosh made a little dig at Love’s alleged involvement in her husband’s death.

“Why would anybody say Courtney killed her husband?” he asked. “Why would anybody make up stuff about a woman who’s already guilty for so many things?” He also said that obviously Cobain killed himself because it was the only way to get Love to stop talking to him. (“At least to Kurt. … Let’s face it, if life is a disease, Courtney’s got the talking cure.”)

Love could barely contain her laughter at all the playful barbs made at her expense. When she finally got up on the podium to exact her revenge, she mainly talked about how every man in the room was a lousy lay, something she had seemingly learned firsthand.

Her daughter Frances came up to speak last, and painted a rousing final portrait of her mother:

“What are we all laughing about? This woman needs help. For God’s sake, won’t somebody do something?”

(This story is fake news.)

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