Ted Nugent.
(API) The Ted Nugent Celebrity Roast kicked off at the Friars Club in New York on Thursday night, a raucous fun-filled laugh fest that featured a constellation of some of the best comedy stars around, all who’d come to rib their fellow entertainer a bit.
“We gather here to toast a man who thinks a loincloth is proper dinner attire,” said veteran jokesmith Mort Sahl. “Maybe tonight he’ll wear a tie.”
Nugent, seated in the audience, laughed heartily at the steady stream of one-liners made all in good fun at his expense.
“Ted Nugent doesn’t know the meaning of the word compromise,” said Don Rickles. “Also, he doesn’t know the meaning of the words ‘matriculate,’ ‘gustatory,’ or ‘erstwhile.’”
Nugent continued to laugh heartily, slapping his knee at Rickles’ shtick.
The gala, which started at 8, went well into the night as dozens of legendary comics took turns to jab at “The Motor City Mad Man.” Even rock ‘n’ roller Dave Grohl took a turn.
“Ted’s music is great,” said Grohl, “although not traditionally my taste. I kind of like rock music.”
“What else can you say about Ted,” said comedian and director Richard Lewis, “He didn’t know that one of his most famous songs, ‘Journey to the Center of the Mind,’ was about drugs. I’d say that not understanding the content of your own speech sums up Ted pretty well.
“But I kid, Ted knows personally that a journey to the center of the mind is best done through the eye socket with an orbitoclast and a mallet.”
“Everybody knows that ‘Cat Scratch Fever’ is Ted’s signature song,” said Norm Crosby. “But ‘We’ll Meet Again’ is the official song of Ted’s corpus callosum.”
Nugent continued to laugh, making the “I’ve got my eyes on you” sign at Crosby.
“Ted Nugent wields a big gun, a big guitar and a big crossbow,” said Shecky Greene. “So how many small penises is he trying to make up for exactly?”
Nugent doubled over with laughter until he was practically peeing himself on the floor.
“A couple of us tried once to explain the word ‘irony’ to Ted to see if he’d have a stroke,” said venerable yuk meister Jackie Mason. “Every day it seems our efforts have paid off anew.”
“Ted is a fulminous critic of black on black violence,” said Woody Allen. “He especially seems ready to bring focus on it right after an instance of white on black violence.”
“You can’t question Ted’s compassion,” said Robert Klein. “He prays for the soul of every person whose head he threatens to blow off. Ted thinks it’s OK to kill an endangered species, of course, if it’s for food, survival or because it’s wearing a hoodie in the wrong neighborhood.”
“People don’t understand when Ted tells everybody, including the president, that they can suck on his gun, it’s a double entendre. I can imagine that Ted explaining double entendre to the Secret Service was a pretty heady discussion.”
“But let’s be fair,” said comic legend Jerry Seinfeld, “Ted mostly doesn’t have the time for meaningless stuff like double entendre, metaphor, rhetoric, simile, dramatic irony, subject-verb agreement, ‘and’ or ‘the,’ or the participial phrases.”
Comedian Gilbert Gottfried said, “Most rock stars have had their minds addled by drugs. Since Ted doesn’t do drugs, we have to ask him, ‘What’s your excuse?'”
Nugent was rolling on the floor laughing by the time he had his own chance to get back at his tormentors.
“Thanks for toasting me,” said Nugent. “I got a joke. Stevie Wonder is brain dead. Eighty million gun owners didn’t kill anyone last night. Trayvon Martin was a dope smoker. Everybody can suck on my gun. California, New York, New Jersey and Massachusetts have lost their souls. Fabulous rockin’ NRA orgy last night. God bless you St. Louis. Godspeed REO and Styx. Piers Morgan is bullshit. The truth hurts you subhuman racists. Go to hell. Win a ThermaCell killer bug zapper!”
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