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Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Molecule–*This story on gut microbes will have you talking about all the wrong things when it comes to the coronavirus.

–*These people who would have drunk bleach for the coronavirus luckily had already died because of some other stupid thing they did.

–*Bad advice about the coronavirus has now become airborne.

–*These six women couldn’t agree on their book club title. So the book club broke up, and they all survived the coronavirus.

–*This guy ate shellfish and his face swelled up. It has nothing to do with the coronavirus, but it is a pretty cool picture.

–*Self-quarantining is undoubtedly the best way to protect not only yourself but also vulnerable communities. And what better way to show your love of humanity than by being a reclusive, selfish bastard?

–*If you have a dry cough and flu-like symptoms, Emily Post’s new etiquette book suggests that you stay far away from Emily Post.

–*Jean-Paul Sartre said hell is other people. Yes.

–*Remember that panic is also contagious, so check in with a health care specialist to find out more about whether or not you are really panicking.

–*Home schooling is a great way to discover how much you are underpaying teachers.

–*Here’s a list of celebrities who aren’t dead.

–*Coronavirus has upended the way we understand health care, our economy, statistics, arcade games, Hot Wheels cars, kelp, mayonnaise, Christmas trees, the Wu Tang Clan, the Oedipus Complex, butter …

–*But some things about America are resilient, even amid a pandemic: Our political attitudes magically don’t change.

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What early characters were written out of George R.R. Martin’s finished drafts of A Song of Ice and Fire, the books behind HBO’s Game of Thrones?

–*Ser Talwyn, the Regifter

–*Queen Birgit the Apostate

–*Ser Warren the Insipid

–*Ser Mountain, Son of Molehill

–*The Pastry Knight

–*Ser Mantos the Sterile

–*Ser Dentos, the Impacted

–*Ser Eryl the Unweaned

–*Braven the Frotteurist

–*Magon the Unimpressive

–*Ser Fallos the Medium Talent

–*Ser Siddy the Umbrage-Taker

–*Ser Ballis the Huggy

–*Pollox, the Smart if Poor of Judgment

–*Tolyn Fuckjoy

–*Mirris Prepucepincher

–*Flavius Scroatworthy

–*Cousin Oliver

–*Fedon the Wood Respecter

–*Ser Color Swatch

–*Eleanor of Screwtown

–*Talys the Unbrassiered

–*Koros the Unclasper

–*Wondish the Pre-diabetic

–*Faleish of the Husks

–*Mellish of the Duck Lands

–*Dropcup

–*Fallmud

–*Burnface

–*Feliox the Hyperactive

–*Matten the Attention Deficit Disordered

–*Mentos, the Freshmaker

 

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A new study from a prominent journal by an expert of some kind was not paid attention to today because a voice in your head you have not identified as your father’s told you not to believe it.

The study concerned an important matter possibly relating to public health, economics or political strife but was not received due to the insistent reflex inspired by a husky Dad voice buried deep in the cerebral cortex warning you that it was not content he would approve of. This triggering voice first entered your sub-conscious brain when you were a child and continues to influence executive cerebral and limbic systems of your body (as well as the house-cleaning functions performed by your digestive system) and thus will not allow you to receive this important breaking news on a topic of critical importance.

The study was full of useful statistics and percentages that might help you adapt and make contingencies for emergencies, as well as anecdotal evidence relating to something that might affect your financial status or one or two ways you might not use a hammer, but its salient points were masked to you by the persistent social conditioning you received by a certain grey eminence whose early rules set down as an exchange for simple nourishment were indispensable for a helpless young homo sapiens facing a hostile world of animals. This conditioning severely affected your ability to assimilate new information, mainly because of the gruff, stern tone of the hunter gatherer, as well as implied and now subconscious threats that a challenge to him meant risking the loss of family members and peers and their body warmth—things at the time critically important to a child’s survival and well-being.

“We are definitely headed for trouble,” said a credentialed and educated person whose face you could barely be brought to look at as he or she offered countervailing information that challenged the prevailing norms, value systems, semiotics and archetypes laid down in your neural pathways by the patriarchal strongman and lawgiver whom you still in moments of stress and discomfort call “Daddy.” The story mentions several things you could do to address the critical issues raised by this news story, which might have been about gold prices or the flammable liquid in your house but whose message conflicted with your father’s opinions and threatened to upend the folkways and learned behavior that are now an immutable part of your psychological profile—offering you your ego, your identity and cultural belonging and likely your entire concept of self, a sense of belonging your brain feels is vitally necessary on this tiny planet totally alone in the universe and vulnerable to expanding stars, asteroids and heat death. As the spirit of your father says, there is a heavy price to pay by questioning tribe loyalty and listening to the plea of an outsider that you listen to him about this important topic which might be about lead toy paint or STDs or municipal bonds or global warming but which is not, unfortunately, powerful enough to get through your impressively large Dad-filter or appeal to your brain’s otherwise rugged and impressive neuroplastic cells.

“The time to act is now,” said a person of authority, perhaps a politician or priest or business leader, “but there is only so much time we have before it will be impossible to act on this [issue your dad has already made up his mind about] whose dire consequences cannot be minimized, unless it is by the comforting and unrelenting voice that gave you the gift of fear when you were still learning to crawl, the voice whose dissent against which offers perilous pitfalls, sickness and likely a hideous and prolonged death.

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–*Lack of mental health care in the United States

–*Confederate flags

–*Marilyn Manson

–*Short skirts

–*Violent videos

–*The Dukes of Hazzard

–*Violent movies

–*Immigrants

–*Young black males

–*Twinkies

–*Barack Obama

–*Low carb diets

–*High fail quotas in our engineering schools

–*Godlessness

–*Unless it’s the god of Islam, in which case we are blaming that God

–*Atheists removing the Ten Commandments from state property

–*The lack of a Second Amendment in the Ten Commandments (after a fact check to make sure there is not a Second Amendment in the Ten Commandments).

–*Them

–*The others

–*The victims

–*Everybody but myself

–*Myself

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Antonin Scalia’s Not Very Gay Day

By Dr. Seuss

 

Oh I do not like that jiggery pokery

Or your startling wuz-wuz

Or your Kalamazoo

I do not like your decisions mystical

They are quite egotistical

To say who can love a what

Or a what can love a who

Just ask any hippie

Who is dippy or quippy

If he really believes all of your hippity flippity

That when jiggery pokery is on the menu

By the fish and fowl and hens too

That words will have no meaning

And all the talkers’ talk is puffed to o’erweening

I do not accept words that say more than they say

Is this is or is this not a sunny day?

Or is this is or is this not a rainy day?

Or was this both a rainy or a sunny day?

(Oh how confusing

When we wish to make hay!)

Oh I am so confused by that jiggery pokery

And by all the other justices’ hokery smokery

If marriages were meant to be happy

Then not all the wishity fishities would

Call them quite crappy

The law is the law and it says what it says

And only what is said is allowed in my head

Because Oh How I hate all that jiggery pokery

I will not eat it with a smolting smolt smokery

The law is not concerned with intimate affairs

Any more than my fanny is beloved by my chair

I will not be gay because I’m not obliged to

I’d rather protect rights of the guns, clubs and knives, too

 

 

 

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–*A video of the weird stuff guys do when they have run out of oxygen.

–*You’ll never guess which celebrity showed up in this woman’s endoscopy footage.

–*This racist meltdown started over a simple misunderstanding about Delftware.

–*This woman videotaped Martians to prove Martians are dicks.

–*This woman put a poisonous spider on her breasts to show how often people scream, “There’s a poisonous spider on your breasts!”

–*This video shows exactly what happens in America today when you turn on a camera in a room with no light source.

–*Try breast-feeding your baby while being on the FBI’s most wanted list. This video shows what will happen.

–*If black women talked like 16th century British pirates.

–*This is how people shriek if you tell them you’ve got Ebola.

–*This is your low self-esteem turned into gamma rays.

–*This is your pre-diabetes turned into gamma rays.

–*This is a potato dressed up like Kanye West.

–*A video montage of 750 sedentary people looking at pictures of Kim Kardashian on their phones.

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(API) Comedy’s old guard came out this month to give a lighthearted poke at punk rocker Courtney Love. Some 200 people attended the event to roast the Hole front woman and widow of venerated grunge rock icon Kurt Cobain, with jokes that left her laughing in the aisles, rolling on the floor and generally gasping for air.

Adam Carolla started the night by calling Love “the first sexually active kindergartener.”

“I tell young girls all the time to be more like Courtney: If you marry the right rich man, you don’t have to explain shit.”

Comedian John Byner said that Love was a true role model to her daughter, Frances Bean Cobain. “It’s not every mother and daughter who can exchange restraining orders for Christmas. But I kid. Everybody knows that Courtney gave Frances a good value system, and that was to tell her, ‘Money can’t change the person you are on the inside, especially if you’re already awful.”

Robin Williams said that Love has been hailed as a post-feminist icon, but added, “I think by ‘post-feminist,’ they meant there was something leaking from her anus.” Williams also mentioned that Love had over the years let go of several members of her band Hole. “As we know from biology,” said Williams, “when a Hole gets smaller, it’s actually a sphincter.”

David Brenner said that Love exemplified what rock ‘n’ roll was really all about: “Publishing rights.” He added that Love was very astute about her public exposure: “When you’ve flashed your breasts 80 times, it’s sexy. But that 81st time really let’s everybody know you are about to declare bankruptcy.”

“I like to keep up with Courtney on Twitter,” said Brenner. “Think of it as a great safe harbor for libel …  if you’re really, really stupid.”

“Also, I should stress that Courtney is no ‘twit.’ That would really be getting a vowel wrong.”

Daniel Tosh made a little dig at Love’s alleged involvement in her husband’s death.

“Why would anybody say Courtney killed her husband?” he asked. “Why would anybody make up stuff about a woman who’s already guilty for so many things?” He also said that obviously Cobain killed himself because it was the only way to get Love to stop talking to him. (“At least to Kurt. … Let’s face it, if life is a disease, Courtney’s got the talking cure.”)

Love could barely contain her laughter at all the playful barbs made at her expense. When she finally got up on the podium to exact her revenge, she mainly talked about how every man in the room was a lousy lay, something she had seemingly learned firsthand.

Her daughter Frances came up to speak last, and painted a rousing final portrait of her mother:

“What are we all laughing about? This woman needs help. For God’s sake, won’t somebody do something?”

(This story is fake news.)

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