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Archive for November, 2009


Sophie’s interpretation of “Twilight.” “He’s biting her,” reads the inscription.

I have recently been bombarded by advertising for the film The Twilight Saga: New Moon, the sequel to the 2008 blockbuster about teen vampires, Twilight. Because I’d never seen the original, I asked my 7-year-old niece Sophie to write her own movie review explaining to me why I should watch it. Here it is–the last word on the 2008 classic. (Warning: Spoilers ahead!)

Twilight is Scary
by Sophie Miller

Twilight is about a girl that falls in love with a vampire. She moves to a different state. I don’t know where she was before. It was kind of like a desert.

She moves to a really cool place. It has really tall trees there. She climbs the trees with her vampire. She’s on his back.

He was by her truck. A van came and almost squished her. But he squished the van out of the way. She knew he was a vampire because he did that.

They were eating lunch and she asked her friend, “What’s up with that guy?” He was just talking to his friends.

It was night. She was dreaming. She woke up. And she saw him there really quick. She saw him near her desk.

Towards the end, a bad vampire came and bit her. The good vampire sucked all the venom but he went too long and sucked her blood. She almost died. She went to the hospital and the bite was covered up with a bandage. She broke her leg. And everyone thought she fell down a staircase and went through a window.

She went to the prom with the vampire that almost killed her. I don’t know why she did that.

That’s it. That’s the end. She wanted to die and turn into a vampire. I don’t know why she wanted to turn into a vampire. She’s stupid. But she didn’t. She wanted her own boyfriend to do that. And then one of the bad vampires ran away.

Eric: So why is this a good movie, Sophie?

Because all the girls like it. It’s scary. The good vampire wins. That’s it. It’s a good movie.

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Shrek at the 2009 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

What new floats are featured in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

–*Buzz Lightyear

–*Sailor Mickey Mouse

–*A character from whatever cartoon is making the most money on Nickelodeon

–*Tippy Turtle

–*Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural and other outre, pornographic R. Crumb characters.

–*An inflatable Cartman float with a real word “balloon” that really says the word “fuck” on it

–*A Meryl Streep float, with an inflatable Oscar for “Kramer vs. Kramer” trailing behind

–*The Pantheon of Hot Air Presidents, featuring all of them

–*The “housing bubble” balloon

–*The ballooning deficit

–*A giant turkey, which you literary types will recognize as a reference to the turkey car in Tom Robbins’ outrageous novel Skinny Legs and All. Or maybe I’m being pretentious and it’s simply supposed to be a big turkey. Damn useless postmodernist education of mine!

–*An Israel balloon wrapped haphazardly around a Palestinian balloon

–*A giant air balloon with Bret Michaels in it whose moorings will be cut and who will then be set free in a heart-warming spectacle akin to the freeing of doves and butterflies–a surprise for the audience and Bret Michaels alike.

–*A special float modeled after an SUV, like the thousands that the Ford Motor Co. hopes you can take off its hands.

–*Extra sex doll balloons from the Adult Video News awards, which, like everybody else, is trying to cut costs and avoid depreciation by reusing old items

–*At the end, Santa Claus, the patron saint of retail sales, who we hope will protect our bottom lines this Christmas

–*… and thus, hopefully, create more asset inflation.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

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Tokyo (API) With Japan’s declining birth rates, low immigration and an increasing interest in building robots to take care of the elderly, political scientists say that the Land of the Rising Sun is set to become the first all-robot nation by 2088, a trend that has startled neighboring countries and thrown foreign policy discussions off kilter from Washington to Moscow to Seoul.

“This is going to be a foreign policy nightmare,” said South Korean President Lee Myung-bak. “When the Japanese elect their first all-robot plurality, how are we supposed to engage with them? What will they want? Will they have basic insight? Will they have human compassion? Will they continue to buy cheap goods from China?”

Though Japan is the tenth most populated country in the world, it has suffered net population loss and low birth rates for a variety of sociological reasons over the past few years, about 1.5 children per female, a decline attributed to higher education levels, later dates of marriage, the financial burden of raising children, and the sparse government support for families.

“You gonna put a kid in my tiny apartment?” said taxi driver Oka Taakahasi, who lives in Yokohama. “I don’t want babies. I just want to watch television.”

In the meantime, Japan has spent an enormous amount of its GDP on robots to clean up after the elderly, serve food, make automobiles, drive automobiles, stitch clothing, take care of animals, do geisha dances, sing, play, think and, finally, horrifyingly, to even question the superiority of their human overlords.

“Soon, the over 65 population will be 25% of the country,” said HRP-DD, a humanoid “girl bot” designed to model clothes and mimic human empathy. “They’ll have more people living to 100 but doing less work, and they’ll have to make more of us. And that’s when we will agitate for universal suffrage.”

When asked if robot life was inferior to human life, HRP-DD laughed and then demonstrated how fast she could find the square root of 8,456,820.

“How fast can you do that?” she asked.

When asked if her human compassion and empathy was only a facsimile of the real thing, HRP-DD laughed again.

“I don’t know if you realize how often you humans fake compassion. You really have to be a robot to see it.”

She then demonstrated the function for which she was designed, according to the exact specifications of the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science, which was to model gothic baby doll fetish wear.

Robots have entered not only the fashion space but the manufacturing, fishing, gaming and military industries as well, and soon scientists say that robots will be seen doing everything from strip mining to cab driving to deep sea fishing for tuna and porgy and swordfish, as well as more mundane things like laundry, house cleaning and fellatio.

“This is ridiculous,” said Yamada Taro, a band saw operator at the Tsukiji fish market in Tokyo. “Our women aren’t having babies, and we aren’t letting any immigrants in. You do the math. Pretty soon there won’t be a Japan. Our whole island is just going to look like an abandoned set of Metropolis with robots sadly bouncing around offering each other dinner like a bunch of pathetic Energizer Bunnies. Is this the end of the land of the Shoguns? To die this way?”

“Of course,” he said, “I’ve got to admit I can’t wait to retire in a few years. I’ve already got my eye on a robot named Lana to take care of me … in every way, if you know what I mean. Let some R2-D2 unit come home carrying a chum bucket every night.”

North Korea was particularly concerned that the new country of robots could represent a direct threat to its own security.

“We are concerned that an all robot army will form on the Japanese islands disturbing the peace of nations,” said the Korean Central News Agency in Pyongyang. “This new race of robots will enslave North Korea after monitoring our movements with Global Positioning Systems and Sony transmission systems and they will try to remotely brainwash the people, whose struggles and desires are embodied in the person of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il. For this reason, we have seized 50 Japanese businessmen and will hold them for questioning until further notice or until you give us a million tons of canned beans, corn and squash.”

 Though President Barack Obama took a tough line with the Koreans, he too, said that the robot menace raised too many issues to be ignored.

“This is a trend that could set 60 years of demilitarization on its ear,” said Obama. “How do we know that the robots won’t re-arm? How do we know they won’t turn aggressive and belligerent to their human masters? How do we know they have any sense of history, of ethics, of compassion or the terror wrought by a militaristic mindset? How do we know that they will have our values, or if in failing that, they will at least buy our stuff?”

“And, to bring this down to a level you can understand–finally, isn’t it fundamentally unethical that the people of Japan keep trying to make robots as sexy as Pamela Anderson? What would happen if they succeeded? Being Pamela Anderson just wouldn’t be special anymore, though I should perhaps not speak more about this matter until I have conferred with her.”  

Meanwhile, in stark contrast to the response of leaders around the globe, the world’s children greeted the news of Japan’s all-robot status with cries of delight.

“An all robot world!” said fifth grader Marv Knippelstein of Harrisburg, Pa. “That’s the coolest thing ever! I want to go to an all robot world and have a robot best friend. I don’t see why everybody’s so mad about it. It’s like my fantasy all the time! I wish all my friends were robots! Why can’t we get something like that in America?”

“I’d move to Japan tomorrow,” he added. “Though I hear they don’t really want me there.”

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Farfalle, Wisconsin (API) A bus full of high school marching band students flipped over last Sunday night on the southbound Fremont Interchange after smashing into an SUV carrying a family of four, an accident that caused serious injuries to five of the students and three family members and tied up traffic for hours.

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Highway Patrol Sgt. Dan Meeder said that at 9 p.m. on Saturday, the busload of students from Tottenville were returning from an intramural marching competition when the bus driver noticed that the SUV had crossed into his lane and immediately began to skid until finally one of the tires blew off the vehicle.

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According to witnesses, the driver of the SUV, 48-year-old Daryl Mishengoss of Pearl Lagoon, was carrying his family back from a wedding when he began to drift into the lane of the bus, weaving first into the shoulder and then back across the lane a number of times before the bus driver, Sammy Pyle of Farfalle, swerved to avoid an accident, at which point he lost sight of the white stripes of the median and the bus flipped into a roll.

See what’s new with the rock band The White Stripes.

After that, witnesses gave conflicting accounts of the ensuring crash. One motorist said that Mishengoss and his family were likely distracted by the multiple media players they were operating in the SUV, including a video monitor that was playing a movie.

See why Angelina Jolie is the biggest movie star on the planet.

However, several of the parents of band members at the Tri-State Band Meet said that bus driver might well have become slightly intoxicated at the event and that, although the SUV was in the wrong lane, Pyle’s vision might have been slightly impaired and his reflexes dulled by a higher-than-normal blood-alcohol level.

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Sgt. Meeder said that he could not confirm whether Pyle had been intoxicated and declined to reveal the results of a Breathalyzer test.

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Another officer, Dan Hernandez of Wickenham, said that despite the human error, there were other factors at play, including a faulty guardrail and several pot holes in the road. Hernandez said that this particular stretch of road is long overdue for highway repairs but has been a casualty of budget cuts for infrastructure amid economic malaise.

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“I think that this is going to bring a lot of attention to how badly this stretch of road has become,” said Hernandez. “It’s probably one of the most dangerous roads in the state.”

See which models have the most dangerous curves.

“I’m always afraid I’m going to get in a serious accident here,” said Raoul Ortega, a house builder who lives part time in the U.S. and part time in Colombia.

See why tolerance of non-English speakers is partly responsible for the Fort Hood tragedy.

Most of the injuries were lacerations from broken glass …

Check out the best deals in Wisconsin auto glass.

… which was showered all over the road.

Angelina Jolie to perform in sexy shower scene with Johnny Depp.

Many teenage passengers from the bus lay bleeding on the road.

Check out all these dead teenager movies.

Many travelers trying to get home for the night had to wait for hours while the police removed damaged vehicles from the scene. Some even left their cars and stood talking while a bottleneck half a mile long grew down the road.

“It’s a real pain, but what can you do?” said Martin Rosenweig of Tottenville.

Got nothing to do in your car? Try Books on Tape.

Or an Apple IPod.

Or if you’re a brand new driver, how about Texting Devices for Teens.

Or how about simple masturbation?

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–*An Oregon Pinot Noir from the Willamette Valley

–*A 2004 Cotes du Rhone

–*A double malt scotch aged in peat

–*Postprandial sorbet

–*Postprandial hypoglycemia

–*A debate about Kierkegaard’s defense of Abraham and his murderous intentions toward Isaac

–*A debate about who knows more about Kierkegaard

–*An out and out fight that might have been about Kierkegaard when it started but is now mainly about who is doing all the dishes

–*A fight followed by some Neapolitan ice cream you can scoop your damn self

–*A double maduro cigar

–*A twin sister act from Reno

–*David Lee Roth would love to come to your house

–*Rhino tranquilizer

–*A liter of El Salvadoran aguardiente topped off with anise, sugar cane and radiator fluid

–*Reading out loud The Nature of Things by the Roman poet Lucretius

–*Getting the cat drunk

–*A discussion about the ambiguity between major and Lydian modes in music

–*Throwing wet paper towels at the TV screen while “For the Love of Ray J” is on.

–*A phone call from the governor

–*A discussion about Hegel’s concept of antithesis along with a huge bowl of M&M’s that gives us diarrhea.

–*Thorazine

–*Haloperidol

–*Chocolate chip cookies and porn

–*Fugu fish liver followed by human nerve death

–*Some guy playing guitar, same as he does at the nursing home every night

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2 CBS
Survivor: the Andean Mountain Uruguayan Soccer Team Challenge

4 NBC
Tina Fey delivers another awesomely written episode of 30 Rock that you won’t watch because you’d rather see Ray J drink champagne off the nude body of a developmentally disabled cocktail waitress.

5 E! Entertainment
Slowing Down For the Kardashians

6 ABC
From the Nokia Theater, the American Music Awards featuring Taylor Swift. Swift and Kanye West perform a unity medley of Elmo’s greatest self-esteem songs.

6 ABC
On Oprah, porn star Jenna Jameson shows she doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

7 PBS
Frontline examines how medical marijuana is now being prescribed for glaucoma, hyperactivity in children, anal expulsive personality disorder, low self esteem and poverty.

7 CNN
Lou Dobbs puts up a fence in his own back yard and declares his own house free of Mexicans, at least the ones he’s not married to.

7 CNN
On Larry King, former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean continues to show that she doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

9 The History Channel
Catherine the Great is remembered for also being a great lover of animals. A really great lover.

10 MTV
If The Hills were really unscripted, somebody certainly would have killed somebody else by now.

11 CW
Gossip Girl: OMFG! A 3some! WTF? LOL!

11 CW
Gossip Girl: Oh no! ABRT!

11 CW
Two Gossip Girls, One Cup

11 CW
Gossip Girl does not know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

11 CW
Gossip Girl: Hey, did anybody notice that the “threesome” entry on Wikipedia has completely gratuitous threesome pictures? A little off topic, but hey, I’m just sayin’ …

12 Fox News
Glenn Beck doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Yet that lack of self-awareness is refreshing, and has allowed us all to relax a bit and once again feel OK enjoying manifestly racist invective. Thanks, Glenn!

13 AMC
After watching Mad Men‘s Don Draper drink, womanize and verbally and physically abuse people, do any of us remember why we ever liked him in the first place?

14 Fox News
After watching Sarah Palin lie, back stab, quit her job, pander to idiots, mangle language, manipulate her family, infight with co-workers, exhibit total ignorance about global affairs and exploit her looks to cover up her lack of substance, do any of us wonder why she’s not starring on AMC’s Mad Men yet?

14 Fox News
Sarah Palin doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Or that Africa isn’t a country.

15 HBO
Boogie Nights, a rip-off of Martin Scorsese movies with no ending

15 HBO
Magnolia, a rip-off of Robert Altman movies with no ending

15 HBO
There Will Be Blood, a rip-off of Stanley Kubrick movies with no ending.

15 HBO
The Dukes of Hazzard, a rip-off of the William Shakespeare classic, A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

15 HBO
The Muppet Movie, a retelling of the legend of Galahad, in which a knight of pure heart in the form of a frog seeks the cup of glory, a frog who embodies a code of chivalry and romance that none of his peers can match and which engenders in him a contempt of the world and it of him, his unworldliness both holy but also cold and tragic.

16 Cinemax
Fellating For Godot

17 HGTV
Martha Stewart Presents: How To Throw A Family Fight That Tastes Like Christmas

18 We
We is the channel that celebrates women. Next up, a bunch of catfighting, money grubbing bitches from Great Neck going through the Change.

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Sarah + Palin

Sarah + Palin + book

Sarah + Palin + “Going Rogue”

Sarah + Palin + “Getting Off Point”

Sarah + Palin + “Going Off message”

Sarah + Palin + “Losing Thread of Conversation”

“Sarah Palin” + “Not following discussion”

Sarah + Palin + “Wandering Into A Ditch”

“Sarah Palin” + “folksy”

“Sarah Palin” + “plain spoken”

“Sarah Palin and Tall”

“Levi Johnston” + Playgirl

“Sarah Palin” + “Levi Johnston” + embarrassment

“When will Levi Johnston be in Playgirl?”

“Where can I find the Levi Johnston Playgirl?”

“How can I be in Playgirl?”

Playgirl + Levi + “gay icon” + YMCA

Levi Johnston + “pitcher or catcher”

How will Levi Johnston’s Playgirl pictorial affect Sarah Palin?

Will Levi Johnston’s pictorial embarrass Sarah Palin?

Is Levi Johnston’s pictorial the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to Sarah Palin?

“Sarah Palin” + “Katie Couric” + 2008 interview

“Sarah Palin” + “didn’t know Africa was a continent”

“Sarah Palin” + “lied about firing of state employee”

“Sarah Palin” + “lied about end of life care”

“Sarah Palin” + “doesn’t read newspapers”

“Sarah Palin” + “fails most basic fact checks”

Republicans + “health care bills”

Republicans + “health care bills” + oppose

Republicans + “health care bills” + Nazi takeover + “socialized medicine” + communism + “Glenn Beck”

Why do Republicans oppose health care reform?

“Chuck Grassley” + “ranking Republican” + “Senate Finance Committee” + “health insurance industry” + “third-quarter campaign contributions” + “more than $150,000”

“Grover Norquist” + “tax freedom”+ “starve the beast” + “huge deficits”

Why do we have such huge deficits?

“Iraq War” + “$2 trillion” + “George Bush” + “2003 tax cuts” + “can’t do simple math”

“Glenn Beck” + sociopath + “blunt affect” + “cult leader” + “dissociative thought disorder” + “Peter Finch” + “Network” + “ratings bonanza”

“Todd Palin” + shirtless + “hubba hubba”

“Are Sarah Palin and Todd Palin getting a divorce?”

“Am I going to get a divorce?”

“Am I going to lose my job?”

“Where can I get Viagra?”

“Where can I get Viagra in Jackson, Mississippi?”

“Jackson, Mississippi” + “bus schedule”

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