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What cheap gimmicks are we using to get people to watch our online wine show?

–*We’re doing it from St. Bart’s.

–*We’re doing it naked.

–*We never taste Merlots.

–*We only drink Merlots.

–*We’re using the skull of a lowland druid as a spit bucket.

–*We’re using the New York Jets as a spit bucket.

–*The show is hosted by Elmo.

–*The show is hosted by an austere German baby nurse named Benz.

–*We always start by comparing every wine unfavorably to our favorite Northern Rhone that tastes like a French barnyard.

–*We do the show from a French barnyard.

–*We do the show in a burn ward.

–*David Lee Roth will come to your house.

–*We only taste harsh acidic wines from cool climates and measure each by how much sour “O” face it gives you–in a very special segment we like to call “The O Face.”

–*We only taste wines made by adult film stars.

–*We have a special migraines and flatulence segment.

–*Our tag-team hosts include one seasoned sommelier and a spasmodic Borscht Belt comedian who humps the grape vats for cheap yuks.

–*Every week, our on-location show ends in a Jerry Springer-style fistfight after we insult the vintner, usually after our host makes some comment like “Your wine has too much tannin on the back of the palate. You gonna do something about it?”

–*It is as true as anything Aristotle wrote in Metaphysics that your show has a better chance of being watched if Flavor Flav is in it.

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–*An Oregon Pinot Noir from the Willamette Valley

–*A 2004 Cotes du Rhone

–*A double malt scotch aged in peat

–*Postprandial sorbet

–*Postprandial hypoglycemia

–*A debate about Kierkegaard’s defense of Abraham and his murderous intentions toward Isaac

–*A debate about who knows more about Kierkegaard

–*An out and out fight that might have been about Kierkegaard when it started but is now mainly about who is doing all the dishes

–*A fight followed by some Neapolitan ice cream you can scoop your damn self

–*A double maduro cigar

–*A twin sister act from Reno

–*David Lee Roth would love to come to your house

–*Rhino tranquilizer

–*A liter of El Salvadoran aguardiente topped off with anise, sugar cane and radiator fluid

–*Reading out loud The Nature of Things by the Roman poet Lucretius

–*Getting the cat drunk

–*A discussion about the ambiguity between major and Lydian modes in music

–*Throwing wet paper towels at the TV screen while “For the Love of Ray J” is on.

–*A phone call from the governor

–*A discussion about Hegel’s concept of antithesis along with a huge bowl of M&M’s that gives us diarrhea.

–*Thorazine

–*Haloperidol

–*Chocolate chip cookies and porn

–*Fugu fish liver followed by human nerve death

–*Some guy playing guitar, same as he does at the nursing home every night

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