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Archive for October, 2012

(API) Model, TV personality, fashion maven and philanthropist Kim Kardashian will soon add another role: author. Along with William Shakespeare, Herman Melville, Pliny the Elder and Ernest Hemingway, Kardashian will enter the ranks of the literary canon after signing a $3.5 million dollar deal with Harper Collins to publish a book of her wit and wisdom on Twitter.

The book, whose working title is “Kim: What A Tweet!” is slated to hit bookshelves next spring and will comprise the best of the “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” star’s sage observations, epigrammatic putdowns, style tips and other eructations.

“Wait til u C my c-thru @Dorkboy.” “Party at Eva’s … @NightStalk bit.ly/tja78.” “Kisses @Robiespierre.”

“This is literature in the 2010s,” said HarperCollins associate editor Precious Denbow. “Kim sits on a perch surveying the world through the lens of an artist. A true visionary listens to her own muse, and you can tell it’s true with Kim, who barely seems to know the rest of us are here.”

“U Turn Mee On @Chinese Noodles Mee pictwitter.com/hlwff,” writes the Armenian bombshell in Chapter 8, titled, “Kim Eats.” “Vintage XOXO RT @PrinceAlbertJacket,” she adds in Chapter 9, “Kim Puts On Clothes.”

Though the book is not yet in galley form, Amy Ritter of the online magazine Salon has been following Kardashian’s Twitter account for the better part of two years. Ritter’s relentless tracing of Kardashian’s “post-omniscient voice” has left her with dark circles under her eyes, a hunched back and teacher arm, but she said it has been worth the degradation of her looks in her late ’20s to remain glued to Kardashian’s every movement, stutter and peristaltic constriction.

“Kim’s got a lot to say. Whether it’s ‘OMG, I love this song.’ To ‘OMG, Faux Fur Friday!’ My generation has become obsessed with her picaresque journey through post racial, post body conscious America. As “The Wasteland” belonged to the Lost Generation and Woodstock to the hippies, Kim belongs to us. She is proud of her body. Proud of her curves. Proud of her explicit sex tape. My feeling is that she’s probably not so proud of her spelling.”

“But hey,” Ritter adds. “This is Kim’s world. We just live in it.”

Critic Harold Bloom says that mainstream publishing has been in a rut, and that Kardashian’s book should have America talking again about the simple joys of declarative sentences, “if that’s what they are.” Deceptively simple, they can in fact be likened to Aristotlian syllogisms, he said, with both major and minor premises forming categorical propositions. “LOL,” he added.

Meanwhile, linguist Noam Chomsky says that Kardashian’s Tweets do follow some logic of innate universal grammar “which is why readers seem to understand them,” he says.

“I ❤ ombre sequins RT @Butterhead,” Kardashian wrote Friday morning. “Lashes,” she wrote later, which Bloom says is apparently about eyelashes. “It is plainly in the indicative mood!” he says.

“You underestimate her at her peril,” says Bloom. “If you don’t believe me, maybe her seven figure deal with Harper Collins will shut you up. Bullshit, as they say, walks.”

“Gym ouch RT @FitnessFrance bit.ly/387FF,” Kim wrote in a tweet followed by a bunch of numbers that were likely garbled Hex code. “My nipslip @boo HuffPo instagram.com/72985.”

HarperCollins’ Denbow was asked if it might not be better to publish more books by up and coming authors, betting on 10 fresh talents for a potential breakthrough to compete with the thriving indie book world, rather than offering millions to an untested celebrity author. She laughed out loud.

“What are you, a nun?” she asked.

“Khloe’s rock! Shine! twitpic.com/8whif,” wrote Kim at lunch. “Humphries bad. @BruceJenner.”

Professor Roy Danbury of the University of Connecticut says that Kardashian offers the world a mix of compelling post-structuralist solipsism paired with the promise of playful tit and ass pictures that have captured the zeitgeist of the times: “We stare because we cannot help it,” he says. “Her teasing Tweets are like neurotoxins, paralyzing us into torpid, numb stupidity as she looks over her shoulder upon her own ass with the gimlet-eyed stare of  Callipygian Venus, marble faced with amazement, indifferent to the pain she causes. Why waste time with a guy like Shakespeare talking around the issue?”

Danbury added that he’s written six historical novels about post-Commune France, but as of right now cannot find a publisher. He often contemplates suicide.

“Tickle @Kanye,” Kim tweeted.

Click here for a quick clarification on this story.

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–*If you apologize to an old lady for running her over with a car, you are apologizing for American values.

–*If you’re going to do the necessary job of cutting military spending, it’s better to do it from the labyrinthine offices of a giant bicameral building where nobody can see you, so you can blame the person who signed your cuts. That’s much better than sitting in such an easily recognizable big “white house” which will attract attention and scorn.

–*Joe Biden did not support the Iraq War. We invite you to go to the Congressional Record and unlearn that now.

–*Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan agrees with the Obama administration’s policy of sending no troops to Syria. But it is indefensible that in doing so, Obama has not yet called the French-controlled U.N. a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

–*Paul Ryan wants to cut loopholes for the rich. By “loophole,” he’s using the Webster’s definition–a small opening through which a firearm can be fired, most likely at the poor people coming to steal the rich person’s food.

–*Paul Ryan does not believe you can separate religion from politics, a point of view that places him squarely in the tradition of other Ottoman sultans.

–*We learned from Paul Ryan that unemployment continues to go up and Lindsay Lohan is currently dating Samantha Ronson.

–*Paul Ryan says that Barack Obama’s intelligence failures on Sept. 11 were indefensible. He will not clarify which September 11.

–*Joe Biden’s continued laughing is highly distracting to many viewers, who insist it was disrespectful right at the point they were just getting mesmerized into non-critical thinking.

–*Moderator Martha Raddatz kept the candidates’ feet to the fire, especially when she called upon them to bravely make obeisance to a sky god.

–*Iran is a rogue nation and theocracy on the verge of gaining nuclear weapons. Obama has tried to introduce sanctions, but according to Ryan, that’s not fast enough. The sanctions must be faster than a centrifuge, Ryan says.  We’re talking 1065 hertz!

–*Obama might have been introducing worms and using other covert methods to sabotage Iran’s nuclear program and cripple it, but according to Ryan, the Obama administration has no credibility with the Iranians. When asked to define credibility, Ryan says it is not about bombing or threatening invasion or killing scientists … no “credibility” is just too difficult to explain and he will fill in the details later when he is vice president.

–*We’ve had 8% unemployment since January 2009. Most economists would see that as a lagging indicator of a credit-spurred recession. But that’s a long sentence. “Obamacare” is much shorter and easier to say.

–*Actually now unemployment is 7.8%, which just doesn’t have as much polemical magic as August’s figures did. Shit.

–*We learned that when the going gets tough, Joe Biden can come out and give the fight of Barack Obama’s life.

–*Paul Ryan plans to cut the same amount of Medicare as the Obama administration. But at least it won’t be rationed. It will just be gone. And you can take that to the bank.

–*Reviewers were relieved that, in this post-racial world, two filthy Irishmen can now have a spirited argument in public.

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Secularists have continued to argue that the motto “In God We Trust” on U.S. paper currency violates the First Amendment’s clause prohibiting the establishment of religion. What are some of the other mottoes that have been considered.

–*U pluribus unum

–*Spiritual but not religious

–*Money talks

–*Because we say so

–*Shazam!

–*Boo-yah!

–*Everybody dance, now!

–*Nothing gold can stay

–*Backed by gold … not!

–*Backed by fuck you

–*All law is founded in violence

–*Redeemable for five ski ball tickets

–*Existence precedes essence

–*For use as legal tender and artificial currency deflation by China

–*Your mama

–*Love means never having to say you’re sorry

–*Liberty, fraternity … let’s stop with two

–*You like me, you really really like me

–*I never promised you a rose garden

–*Only the strongest survive

–*Remember the Alamo

–*No regrets

–*Seize the day

–*Fished you in! Get the net!

–*Take me to the place you cry.

–*Put this where your heart used to be.

–*Amen and pass the ammunition.

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–*Mitt Romney’s economic plan assumes that even people like Donald Trump are small businessmen. But Trump is actually very tall.

–*If beloved Sesame Street character Big Bird wants to keep his job, he’s going to have redevelop his skill set, moving from education into customer service at Dell Computers. I’m sorry, did I say Big Bird? I meant all teachers.

–*Mitt Romney believes we have a trickle down government, and that it instead ought to come in a more convenient spray bottle.

–*When it comes to government helping the economy, Barack Obama has one word: railroads.

–*Mitt Romney’s health care plan would continue to help people with pre-existing conditions if Mitt Romney’s fingers are crossed.

–*The word “rationing” is so exciting to the basal ganglia of Main Street Republicans, that they need not even think about what it means. Thank you, George Will.

–*Today’s episode of Sesame Street was sponsored by the letter “C” … for China.

–*People in public regularly grab Mitt Romney by the arm without fear of reprisal.

–*Mitt Romney is going to crack down on China. Also, he’s going to crack down on Mount Everest and the San Andreas Fault.

–*Barack Obama wants to help small businesses, especially by making them feel special with avalanches of 1099s mailed right to their doors every time somebody buys a hammer from them.

–*Big Bird owes his job to China. Which is kind of a funny thing to bring up, since every U.S. president since Ronald Reagan also owes his job to China.

–*Mitt Romney hates it when the government mistreats small businesses, especially since that’s big business’s job.

–*The free market needs to be free. Also, we have to stop corporations from sending jobs overseas. If you think you can work out that contradiction in terms, then why don’t YOU be president, you know-it-alls.

–*Mitt Romney doesn’t care about 47% of Americans. No, actually we did not learn that last night, because Obama was too nice to bring it up. It was his wedding anniversary, after all, and he was probably not feeling mean spirited.

–*Haters don’t make good presidents. They do, however, make excellent constituents.

–*Barack Obama has taken money away from seniors and Paul Ryan has never done such a thing. There is nothing written anywhere, nothing with Paul Ryan’s name on it, nothing that says “Budget” by Paul Ryan that says something like he’s taking money away from seniors. Not one bit of black ink anywhere.

–*Wealthy people will do fine no matter who is president, says Mitt Romney. They will also do fine no matter what the tax rate is. Or what the health care bill says. They will also be fine if the earth’s water runs out, if a giant asteroid hits the planet, if the U.S. sells Florida to Spain, if soylent green is made out of people. … I’m sorry, why are we not raising taxes on the rich again?

–*The GOP has apparently made a small tactical shift by not running a drooling moron for high office.

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