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Posts Tagged ‘presidential debates’

–*Mitt Romney’s economic plan assumes that even people like Donald Trump are small businessmen. But Trump is actually very tall.

–*If beloved Sesame Street character Big Bird wants to keep his job, he’s going to have redevelop his skill set, moving from education into customer service at Dell Computers. I’m sorry, did I say Big Bird? I meant all teachers.

–*Mitt Romney believes we have a trickle down government, and that it instead ought to come in a more convenient spray bottle.

–*When it comes to government helping the economy, Barack Obama has one word: railroads.

–*Mitt Romney’s health care plan would continue to help people with pre-existing conditions if Mitt Romney’s fingers are crossed.

–*The word “rationing” is so exciting to the basal ganglia of Main Street Republicans, that they need not even think about what it means. Thank you, George Will.

–*Today’s episode of Sesame Street was sponsored by the letter “C” … for China.

–*People in public regularly grab Mitt Romney by the arm without fear of reprisal.

–*Mitt Romney is going to crack down on China. Also, he’s going to crack down on Mount Everest and the San Andreas Fault.

–*Barack Obama wants to help small businesses, especially by making them feel special with avalanches of 1099s mailed right to their doors every time somebody buys a hammer from them.

–*Big Bird owes his job to China. Which is kind of a funny thing to bring up, since every U.S. president since Ronald Reagan also owes his job to China.

–*Mitt Romney hates it when the government mistreats small businesses, especially since that’s big business’s job.

–*The free market needs to be free. Also, we have to stop corporations from sending jobs overseas. If you think you can work out that contradiction in terms, then why don’t YOU be president, you know-it-alls.

–*Mitt Romney doesn’t care about 47% of Americans. No, actually we did not learn that last night, because Obama was too nice to bring it up. It was his wedding anniversary, after all, and he was probably not feeling mean spirited.

–*Haters don’t make good presidents. They do, however, make excellent constituents.

–*Barack Obama has taken money away from seniors and Paul Ryan has never done such a thing. There is nothing written anywhere, nothing with Paul Ryan’s name on it, nothing that says “Budget” by Paul Ryan that says something like he’s taking money away from seniors. Not one bit of black ink anywhere.

–*Wealthy people will do fine no matter who is president, says Mitt Romney. They will also do fine no matter what the tax rate is. Or what the health care bill says. They will also be fine if the earth’s water runs out, if a giant asteroid hits the planet, if the U.S. sells Florida to Spain, if soylent green is made out of people. … I’m sorry, why are we not raising taxes on the rich again?

–*The GOP has apparently made a small tactical shift by not running a drooling moron for high office.

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(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)

2 CBS
The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down

4 NBC
Law and Order, Big Mac Attack

5 ABC
Convulsing With the Stars

7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!

8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!

10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians

11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them

12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill

13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.

14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….

15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!

16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)

17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove

18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”

19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.

20 FLIX
“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place

21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.

22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other

23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire

23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time

24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space

25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space

28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.

29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other

30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery

31 Golf
No, really. Golf

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