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Posts Tagged ‘Lara Croft’

(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

Los Angeles, Calif. (API) Now that she has finished using him for mating purposes, Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie has begun consuming film star Brad Pitt, the father of her children, it was reported Thursday. The couple’s last two children were born in July 2008, and following a hectic season of movie releases, Jolie began the oft-observed natural phenomenon of sexual cannibalism that brought a swift end to Pitt’s life and career.

Jolie, the internationally renowned film star, multiple-Golden Globe winner and goodwill ambassador to the U.N. Refugee Agency, started eating Pitt, star of 2008’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, sometime last week on the couple’s giant bed, and it is not certain whether she has quite finished gorging on him.

“It’s a sad day,” said Pitt’s friend George Clooney. “But that’s the miracle of life. It happens.”

Pitt and Jolie first encountered each other on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2005, sparking an international scandal when tabloid rumors swirled that she had broken up Pitt’s marriage to Jennifer Aniston. Jolie soon became pregnant with Pitt’s child, Shiloh Nouvel-Jolie Pitt, and Pitt has since sired two other biological children by Jolie, the twins Knox and Vivienne, which they’ve added to a brood of three other adopted children, Maddox, Pax and Zahara.

“This is true Hollywood royalty, and a truly new kind of American family,” said former Vanity Fair Tina Brown. “It was sad that it had to end this way, but nature took its course, and we humbly regard its mysteries.”

Susan Sarandon, Pitt’s co-star in Thelma & Louise, remembered him as a dynamic movie star whose presence and sexual charisma were so appealing, she joked, that he could arouse the mating instincts of almost anybody–no matter what their gender, sexual persuasion, breed, order, class or phylum.

“He was one of the bright lights of our industry,” said Julia Roberts. “I can’t tell you what a loss this is. But of course, he knew what he was doing.”

Sexual cannibalism is often found in cases of sexual dimorphism, when the female is much larger than the male. Biologists have noted that there are many reproductive advantages to the behavior, such as the female’s ability to root out inferior DNA by eating males before reproduction, and of course the male’s nutritional value, which can lead to a more rugged brood.

Jolie has been married to two other mates, Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller, but many observers said that these men were inferior specimens who were unable to supply Jolie with the superior genetic material she required. Neither man was consumed by Jolie.

“I guess I dodged a bullet there,” said Thornton. “Really, I wish Angie all the best.”

Pitt, an Oklahoma native, rose to meteoric international fame with the films A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Interview With the Vampire, Seven and 12 Monkeys.

Jolie, who at first tried to downplay their affair on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, eventually admitted that she had immediately seen Pitt’s biological advantages, his statuesque features, his strong square jaw, high forehead, facial symmetry, erect posture and good waist-to-shoulder ratio.

“And of course People magazine said he was the sexiest man alive, which confirmed these genetic traits,” said Jolie. “It was fairly clear we would mate.”

Jolie, star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood, and she’s now up for another Academy Award for best actress for her role in The Changeling. She will likely accept the award for Pitt if he wins the Oscar for Benjamin Button, though she was still unavailable for comment while she finished eating the father of her children. In advance of the Oscar presentation, it is likely she is incubating many eggs now, say scientists, though it is unclear how many of them will survive the first molt.

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(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)

2 CBS
The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down

4 NBC
Law and Order, Big Mac Attack

5 ABC
Convulsing With the Stars

7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!

8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!

10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians

11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them

12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill

13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.

14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….

15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!

16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)

17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove

18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”

19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.

20 FLIX
“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place

21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.

22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other

23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire

23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time

24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space

25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space

28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.

29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other

30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery

31 Golf
No, really. Golf

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