Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘MTV’

My wife has been addicted to the show “Jersey Shore” on MTV since she caught the first season in reruns on the Web. From the very first sight of Snooki getting slapped, to the very second sight of Snooki getting slapped, to the boys’ search for women who aren’t “grenades,” to every drunken brawl, Stephanie has been hooked.

She’s so hooked, that she’s been keeping up with the regular reviews written by our friend Bill Cammack. Not to be outdone, I’ve decided to review the show myself so that I can take more interest in my wife’s hobbies.

So to recap, here’s my review of last week’s episode:

It sucked. This show fucking blows chunks. This show is like watching monkeys throw feces at each other. Every time I watch it, I feel my soul degraded in the way John Milton did when he described dogs eating Satan’s bowels on the lake of fire at the beginning of “Paradise Lost.” Last week, one of the drama queens hit another one in the face. The week before that, one of the drama queens hit another one in the face. The big guy who I will call after his dictionary name, “The Position With Respect To Conditions and Circumstances,” made a face and invented some new acronym for his activities. These include DTF, which means a girl who’s “down to fuck.” And GTL, for the boys’ favorite hobby of “gym, tan laundry.” I submit a new acronym: GIAR, or “give it a rest.” For the woman known as JWoww, I proffer the more fitting sobriquet “J Duh.”

The plot is as follows: the seven main roommates and their annual swing position roommate sit and gossip about something that might have been said on the phone and that might have been said about them. The roommates, having no self-esteem, assume something bad was said about them behind their backs because none of them have any worthwhile qualities and it’s easier for them to project their self-hatred on the other limited, brutish people in the room. One girl has a big rack.

One guy is the nice guy. I have not figured out why he’s earned this title yet except that maybe it’s because he doesn’t come up with acronyms. Whenever anybody is in doubt, he or she reveals sinews and breasts, a gesture now as anticipated and customary as a curtsy in court or the lighting of the Olympic torch.

My review of last week’s episode: It sucked. The one before that? It blew. Before that? Rim worthy. Before that? Sewer scummy. Before that? Bathypelagic in its utter depths of depravity.

I hope that summary provides a suitable reason to keep breath bated among my wife and other people who for some reason can’t afford a trip to the Bronx Zoo to see things of more interest.

Look out for season 4. They’re going to Rome!

(Check out Bill Cammack’s site, too! He’s a renaissance man: dating guru, musician, film editor and man about town.)

Read Full Post »

–*Snooki

–*JWoww

–*The Situation

–*Pauly Q

–*Ootsie

–*Salmonella Bob

–*Vittles

–*Fuck Face

–*Oatmeal Pete

–*Sidewinder Sally

–*Back Door Sue

–*Grandma Hattie

–*The Issue

–*The Problem

–*Orange Alert

–*Orange Tan Alert

–*Melanoma Mary

–*Tits

–*Spooge

–*Race Bait Vin

–*Nightmare Steve

–*Zulu Dawn

–*Staten Island Bob

–*Boom Boom

–*”Uncomfortable Silence” Frank

–*J Duh

–*Fixodent and Forget It

–*Mau Mau

–*Your Place Or Mine

–*Diphtheria Chuck

–*The Awesomeness

–*Guido the Killer Pimp

–*”Sid” In Quotation Marks

–*Sid Without Quotation Marks

–*The Situation With Mange

–*The Situation With Crabs

–*The Accidental Dismemberment Situation

–*Pauly-Tony

–*Tony-Pauly

–*Angie From Exit 82

–*Angie From Exit 86

–*Ichabod

–*Staten Island Scurvy

–*Pauly No Club Foot (In Memory of Pauly Club Foot, who now sleeps forever in quick lime)

Read Full Post »

(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)

2 CBS
The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down

4 NBC
Law and Order, Big Mac Attack

5 ABC
Convulsing With the Stars

7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!

8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!

10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians

11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them

12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill

13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.

14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….

15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!

16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)

17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove

18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”

19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.

20 FLIX
“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place

21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.

22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other

23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire

23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time

24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space

25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space

28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.

29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other

30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery

31 Golf
No, really. Golf

Read Full Post »