Posts Tagged ‘Law & Order’

(Originally posted Monday, November 19, 2007)

The presidential debates, but you’ll probably be watching Beyonce on some awards show two channels down

Law and Order, Big Mac Attack

Convulsing With the Stars

7 Telemundo
Si! … No! … Si! … No!

8 Univision
Homosexuales? Ay! Dios mio!

10 AMC
Lara Croft and Her Big Brood of Ethiopians

11 Animal Planet
Here we track polar bears while on the Republican presidential debate a few channels down we discuss ways to kill them

12 BET
Movie: A crude farce revolving around sex … you know the drill

13 Bravo
Project Runway: The designers must create body armor for American soldiers in Iraq consisting of nothing but cotton and Velcro and Lucky Strike cigarettes, just the way real soldiers are doing it.

14 Comedy Central
Wo bist du, Dave Chapelle? Wo bist du….

15 Court TV
Everybody’s a Pedophile!

16 Discovery Channel
How To Make Your Weapon the Most Lethal (Assuming You Lived in a Perfect World With No Moral Accountability)

17 ESPN-Classic
Classic Slapping of Face With Glove

18 E! Entertainment
E! True Hollywood Story: Porn star Jenna Jameson is profiled. “Profile me harder,” she screams. “Profile me harder.”

19 Food Network
You don’t have to take Prozac this Thanksgiving. We’ve already given it to the turkey.

“Legends of the Fall,” the special uncut version, which means the ridiculous last 45 minutes or so have been left in place

21 MTV
A documentary on existentialist filmmaker Ingmar … oh, no, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that it’s a show where they eat bull penises.

22 National Geographic Channel
Something to Make You Feel Alienated From Sharks, Tigers, Venezuelans and Each Other

23 Lifetime Movie Network
Film: “Making Love Work In A Mobile Home Built Out of Compressed Paper” starring Reba McEntire

23 HBO
“The Wedding Crashers,” almost as funny the 53rd time, we hope, as it was the first time

24 Oxygen
Food and babies and orgasms and psychics and Meg Ryan and everything else you women seem to want shoehorned into one space

25 Spike TV
Robot cars and bikinis and guns and motorcycles and Apache helicopters and everything you men seem to want shoehorned into one space

28 Sundance Channel
Hours of green, green grass.

29 CNN
Larry King: Panelists Gene Simmons and Joan Rivers are starting to look uncannily more and more like each other

30 Hallmark
“Little House on the Prairie”: The director’s cut of the final episode, in which Walnut Grove is laid waste in an extended hour-long scene of Biblical violence and debauchery

31 Golf
No, really. Golf

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(Originally posted Thursday, October 11, 2007)

CSI: Tonight, a credible forensic scientist using rigorous testing proves the existence of the Dark Lord Satan.

Numb3rs: Charlie uses an ingenious mathematical formula to prove that it was Don who took his milk from the office refrigerator.

5 Fox
“Don’t Forget The Lyrics” (game show): This week, contestants are confused, wrongly thinking that half the lyrics to the classic song “Louie, Louie” must have been the word “fuck,” or at least that’s what they thought when they were 12.

Dancing With the Stars: Bruno challenges the wisdom of poet E.E. Cummings, saying, “Sometimes it is better to teach the stars how not to dance.”

Grey’s Anatomy: Izzie must confess indiscretions to Lexie about that night with Poozle and Muff. Tracheotomy performed.

13 PBS
Another Mind-Numbing Repeat of Antiques Roadshow

14 TNT
Law & Order: Episode 1,062, “The Buttocks of Insanity.”

17 The History Channel
Catherine The Great: Strange Sexual Tastes

18 Univision
Catherine The Great: Sexo Con Caballos

20 Animal Planet
If You Become Friendly With a Grizzly, Kids, Animal Cops Will Have To Kill It

21 Toon Disney
Pucca (South Korea): Fed up with her failed attempts to steal a kiss from her favorite ninja Garu, young Pucca tries the date rape drug Rohypnol

25 Discovery Health
Large, suppurating boils

28 Spike TV
Those Funny Japs

29 HGTV (Home and Garden Television)
I can’t help but think, as I look out at my perennials, of what Keats said, “Of Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies.” And yet I will plant my red valerians anyway. … Sigh.

30 Ovation
A cool documentary on music that several years ago you might have seen on Bravo, before it was chased off by style and cooking shows whose hosts have an edge of hostility and menace.

31 TLC
Thursday is boy’s night, so we have to talk about ethanol motorcycles; Friday is girl’s night, so we have to talk about dresses with hip gussets

32 National Geographic Channel
Yes, we would put the word “naked” in the program’s title if we thought that would light a fire under your ass to learn something. Jeez!

34 Showtime
Failure To Launch

35 TV Land
Bob Denver, showin’ you how it’s done.

36 Lifetime
Women: Catchin’ the Criminals and Birthin’ the Babies (A Very Sassy Police Show)

37 C-Span Books
Feminist author Susan Faludi shows you how to marginalize yourself with a dogmatic, parochial and joyless critical agenda.

38 Crosswalk Open Access Channel
Anyone who understands the concept of specific heat capacity knows 9/11 was a hoax, says young man wearing red bandana over his face.

39 Fox News
Why the Liberals Hate Our Ongoing Four-And-A-Half-Year Victory In Iraq

40 Democracy Now
Iran-Contra Is Our Continuing Cottage Industry

42 HBO
Tell Me You Love Me, Episode 5 (More like, “Show Me You Love Me In An Extended Soft-core Porno Scene That Destroys Any Kind of Narrative Rhythm”)

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