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Archive for February, 2010

–*The bunny hop jump

–*The ballet jump

–*The mashed potato

–*The lindy hop

–*The kabuki theater pantomime

–*Talk to the hand

–*The busting a kneecap with a tire iron flourish

–*The Darth Vader death grip

–*The cat’s-in-heat-again-and-rubbing-up-against-the-coffee-table reverse scoot

–*The “fleeing the shtetls hunched over in the snow” move

–*The drunk Cossack runs amok flail

–*The empathetic therapist crouch

–*The “too busy texting to look at you” dance, followed by a Toe walley

–*The sweet 16, protect-your-maidenhead pose

–*The “writing a check on your back” dance followed by a double axel

–*The nervously trying to bum a cigarette hand clap followed by a toeless lutz and a Mazurka

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Moving

Just to let you know that Stephanie and I have been in the midst of apartment hunting and moving (again) and so that’s why my posts have been light. We hope to get back to a more normal schedule in a few weeks.

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What are some of the stats shaping our world on Feb. 19, 2010?

–*A poll in early 2009 found that 71% of Americans prefer to have universal health care, even if it means paying higher taxes.

–*However, in 2010, 46% of Americans are now against the current health care legislation in Congress.

–*Among those against, 35% are against it because they are against health care in general while 12% are against it because it doesn’t go far enough. Three percent are for it because they are against health care reform in general and believe the current legislation effectively kills reform.

–*Seventy percent of political independents said that in 2008 they voted for Barack Obama because they voted for change.

–*In Massachusetts this year, independents voted for Scott Brown, a political conservative, in the traditionally liberal state because they were also voting for change.

–*One hundred percent of independents would prefer that things keep changing.

–*Eighty percent of independents describe themselves as angry.

–*Of those, 40% say they are swiping at imaginary bats.

–*Twenty percent of Americans say they are unsure if they are for voting against the current health care legislation in Congress or if they are voting against imaginary bats.

–*Of independents, 10% say they don’t pay attention to political issues at all. Another 10% thought that health care reform was a good idea but that they were physically and emotionally intimidated by sign wielding members of the Tea Party movement and are just being pussies at this point.

–*Fifty percent of those who said they were for health care reform last year but against it this year said they changed their minds because they didn’t realize that universal health care was a communist plot and now they are now better informed by members of the Tea Party.

–*Thirty percent of Americans feel unable to stand up to members of the Tea Party because they don’t deal very well with angry people.

–*Fifteen percent say that angry spitting people railing at bats and communism make them insecure and impotent and unable to find their keys.

–*Eighty percent of adolescent boys use the term “retard” regularly.

–*One hundred percent of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel uses the word “retard” regularly.

–*Ninety percent of those adolescent boys who use the term “retard” also think that Sarah Palin is hot.

–*Eighty percent of Republicans agree with Sarah Palin’s policies.

–*Zero is the number of policies that Sarah Palin has put forward.

–*Twenty percent of those who have switched their position on the health care legislation believe that it will change their relationship with their doctor and 80% of them said that they don’t argue very well when people are yelling at them.

–*Sixty percent of independents just like voting against people and don’t have any political convictions to speak of.

–*Eighty percent of people who believe their federal tax rates have gone up over the past 10 years are retards.

–*One hundred percent of retards and people at the Heritage Foundation believe that low capital gains taxes are the only incentive for people to invest, as if a 20% tax on capital gains means the same thing as no capital gains at all. That means nobody would have invested in Microsoft in 1986 and had a $100 investment turn into $37,000 in 22 years, because they are such suck ass whiners about capital gains they would have instead kept their money in a mattress earning zippity do da. If higher capital gains rates hurt the economy and harm revenue, why did we have an Internet boom, and why did we, at the same time, balance the budget?

–*One hundred percent of retards believe that it’s entitlement programs alone that are causing the current budget crises and not two horribly expensive wars along with huge tax cuts under George Bush.

–*Twenty percent of crazy people think the IRS is out to get them personally.

–*Twenty percent of crazy people think the CIA is out to get them personally.

–*Fifty percent of crazy rich people think Barack Obama is out to get them personally.

–*0.00002% of people think the girl who played Blossom wants to smother them with a pillow.

–*Ten percent of independents want a third-party candidate because they are trying to synthesize what’s best about the positions of the right and the left.

–*The other 90% don’t really know what the issues are because they’re watching Jersey Shore. Is that JWoww built or what?

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–*Rock star yourself

–*Mad Men Yourself

–*Avatar Yourself

–*Ewok Yourself

–*Jersey Shore Yourself

–*Do Something With Yourself

–*18th Century French Whore With Syphilis Yourself

–*Uninsure Yourself

–*Turn Yourself Into a Tea Party Crackpot

–*Join a Militia

–*Take Back Your Country From the Black People

–*Commune with Other People Who Share Your Unfocused Rage

–*Make Yourself Politically Aware Without Doing Any Reading

–*Do a copycat suicide

–*Mail in an application to become one of the millions of people who murdered John F. Kennedy

–*Set Fire To This Cartoon Tree

–*Set Fire To a Real Tree

–*The “start your own religion machine” tailored to your own particular belief system, one that rejects icons, accepts Jesus as four different substances, replaces fiat currency for a gold standard, acknowledges the existence of Bigfoot, and confirms the superiority of the Beatles over the Rolling Stones.

–*A new application that would show you how you might look different if you had any imagination whatsoever.

–*

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–*We’re not celebrating it. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and every day is Valentine’s Day to us.

–*We’re purchasing on an extra sexy nightie, and to make it more naughty, leaving the tag on so we can return it all soiled to Victoria’s Secret tomorrow.

–*We’re putting on our favorite sensual music. “Master of Puppets” by Metallica usually puts her in the mood.

–*We’re eating food with aphrodisiac qualities like oysters, chocolate, asparagus, honey, basil and Gas-X.

–*We’re watching Julie & Julia again and rewinding over and over the scene where Julia Child says she likes a hot cock.

–*Romantic love is a narcissistic bourgeois concept. I am much happier in the jungles of Peru with my bloodthirsty communist group The Shining Path and plan to celebrate my 30th year here by eating banana leaves and wiping my ass with tree bark.

–*I’m wining and dining the woman of my dreams at a romantic dinner, telling her how much she has meant to me and telling her how she and I are going to begin a great adventure in marriage together after I leave my third wife and sundry children.

–*I’m spending money on food, wine and Valentine’s Day chocolate, because if I don’t, the terrorists win.

–*I’m making promises I can’t keep about giving my lover all the things she wants, starting with universal health care.

–*Love is mainly an illusion. Tonight I’m indulging that illusion with Henry.

–*Tonight I’ll be laughing at all the people in relationships who are wasting all their god damned money on an expensive dinner.

–*My wife and I are therapists and tonight we’ll be engaging in projection, transference, parataxic distortion, denial and all the other things that make love great.

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Rock ‘n’ roll legend Neil Young recalled his glory days of rock ‘n’ roll in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s and ’90s with the help of a 19-year-old journalist on Monday, an interview that revealed the deep inner spiritual journey that Young has taken, at least as far as he can remember it with the help of notes, journals, recordings and documentary film footage and the huge contribution of the journalist, a reporter for the student paper at SUNY Buffalo.

“It all started … where did it start?” Young asked journalist Lauren Brackman, a fan of the proto-grunge rocker since she was 12.

“It started in Canada, right?” Brackman suggested. “You used to drive around in a hearse.”

“Right!” recalls Young. “I had this hearse.”

With Brackman’s help, Young then remembered that he drove his hearse to Los Angeles in hopes of making it in the music business back in 1965. He wasn’t having much luck, but then he was spotted one day by an old friend he knew from the folk club circuit.

“And that was …” Young hesitated.

“Stephen Stills?” Brackman offered.

“Right!” Young exclaimed. “He saw this hearse on the road as we were stuck in traffic and Stephen said …”

“That’s got to be Neil?”

“Right! And that’s how we formed …”

“The Buffalo Springfield?”

“Yeah. Wow, those days were wild.”

Brackman then helped Young remember how he had actually entered the country without a green card and was actually performing illegally in the United States for many years.

“But I got all that settled,” Young said. “I’m legal now.”

“Yes,” said Brackman. “As of 1970.”

However, Young’s friend Bruce Palmer, the Buffalo Springfield’s bassist, made only erstwhile contributions to the band after facing a series of legal setbacks with drugs that eventually led to his deportation. Several times he was replaced in recording sessions, Brackman reminded Young.

“Yeah, that was too bad,” Young said.

After she helped Young remember the Buffalo Springfield, she jogged his memory about his career in Canada with the Rick James-fronted band the Mynah Birds. The band broke up after James was arrested for being AWOL from the U.S. Navy, Brackman reminded Young who nodded.

Brackman also recalled Young’s solo career, including such classic albums as Harvest. After that, Brackman politely elicited memories about his participation in Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young and Young’s years as a rock ‘n’ roll outcast, sometimes embracing the spotlight but other times spurning it with such erratic records as the synthesizer farce Trans. Later on, Brackman reminded Young, he became a godfather to the nascent grunge movement and reignited his career with the album Freedom in 1989.

“Wow,” he said. “It’s hard to sum up 40 to 50 years of insanity. You can’t just put it all into words. Or pictures. Or memories.”

While trying to steal a few new nuggets of information from the aging rocker, Brackman eventually gave up and pretty much just went back and used the research.

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–*Snooki

–*JWoww

–*The Situation

–*Pauly Q

–*Ootsie

–*Salmonella Bob

–*Vittles

–*Fuck Face

–*Oatmeal Pete

–*Sidewinder Sally

–*Back Door Sue

–*Grandma Hattie

–*The Issue

–*The Problem

–*Orange Alert

–*Orange Tan Alert

–*Melanoma Mary

–*Tits

–*Spooge

–*Race Bait Vin

–*Nightmare Steve

–*Zulu Dawn

–*Staten Island Bob

–*Boom Boom

–*”Uncomfortable Silence” Frank

–*J Duh

–*Fixodent and Forget It

–*Mau Mau

–*Your Place Or Mine

–*Diphtheria Chuck

–*The Awesomeness

–*Guido the Killer Pimp

–*”Sid” In Quotation Marks

–*Sid Without Quotation Marks

–*The Situation With Mange

–*The Situation With Crabs

–*The Accidental Dismemberment Situation

–*Pauly-Tony

–*Tony-Pauly

–*Angie From Exit 82

–*Angie From Exit 86

–*Ichabod

–*Staten Island Scurvy

–*Pauly No Club Foot (In Memory of Pauly Club Foot, who now sleeps forever in quick lime)

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