Archive for February, 2010

–*The bunny hop jump

–*The ballet jump

–*The mashed potato

–*The lindy hop

–*The kabuki theater pantomime

–*Talk to the hand

–*The busting a kneecap with a tire iron flourish

–*The Darth Vader death grip

–*The cat’s-in-heat-again-and-rubbing-up-against-the-coffee-table reverse scoot

–*The “fleeing the shtetls hunched over in the snow” move

–*The drunk Cossack runs amok flail

–*The empathetic therapist crouch

–*The “too busy texting to look at you” dance, followed by a Toe walley

–*The sweet 16, protect-your-maidenhead pose

–*The “writing a check on your back” dance followed by a double axel

–*The nervously trying to bum a cigarette hand clap followed by a toeless lutz and a Mazurka

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Just to let you know that Stephanie and I have been in the midst of apartment hunting and moving (again) and so that’s why my posts have been light. We hope to get back to a more normal schedule in a few weeks.

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What are some of the stats shaping our world on Feb. 19, 2010?

–*A poll in early 2009 found that 71% of Americans prefer to have universal health care, even if it means paying higher taxes.

–*However, in 2010, 46% of Americans are now against the current health care legislation in Congress.

–*Among those against, 35% are against it because they are against health care in general while 12% are against it because it doesn’t go far enough. Three percent are for it because they are against health care reform in general and believe the current legislation effectively kills reform.

–*Seventy percent of political independents said that in 2008 they voted for Barack Obama because they voted for change.

–*In Massachusetts this year, independents voted for Scott Brown, a political conservative, in the traditionally liberal state because they were also voting for change.

–*One hundred percent of independents would prefer that things keep changing.

–*Eighty percent of independents describe themselves as angry.

–*Of those, 40% say they are swiping at imaginary bats.

–*Twenty percent of Americans say they are unsure if they are for voting against the current health care legislation in Congress or if they are voting against imaginary bats.

–*Of independents, 10% say they don’t pay attention to political issues at all. Another 10% thought that health care reform was a good idea but that they were physically and emotionally intimidated by sign wielding members of the Tea Party movement and are just being pussies at this point.

–*Fifty percent of those who said they were for health care reform last year but against it this year said they changed their minds because they didn’t realize that universal health care was a communist plot and now they are now better informed by members of the Tea Party.

–*Thirty percent of Americans feel unable to stand up to members of the Tea Party because they don’t deal very well with angry people.

–*Fifteen percent say that angry spitting people railing at bats and communism make them insecure and impotent and unable to find their keys.

–*Eighty percent of adolescent boys use the term “retard” regularly.

–*One hundred percent of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel uses the word “retard” regularly.

–*Ninety percent of those adolescent boys who use the term “retard” also think that Sarah Palin is hot.

–*Eighty percent of Republicans agree with Sarah Palin’s policies.

–*Zero is the number of policies that Sarah Palin has put forward.

–*Twenty percent of those who have switched their position on the health care legislation believe that it will change their relationship with their doctor and 80% of them said that they don’t argue very well when people are yelling at them.

–*Sixty percent of independents just like voting against people and don’t have any political convictions to speak of.

–*Eighty percent of people who believe their federal tax rates have gone up over the past 10 years are retards.

–*One hundred percent of retards and people at the Heritage Foundation believe that low capital gains taxes are the only incentive for people to invest, as if a 20% tax on capital gains means the same thing as no capital gains at all. That means nobody would have invested in Microsoft in 1986 and had a $100 investment turn into $37,000 in 22 years, because they are such suck ass whiners about capital gains they would have instead kept their money in a mattress earning zippity do da. If higher capital gains rates hurt the economy and harm revenue, why did we have an Internet boom, and why did we, at the same time, balance the budget?

–*One hundred percent of retards believe that it’s entitlement programs alone that are causing the current budget crises and not two horribly expensive wars along with huge tax cuts under George Bush.

–*Twenty percent of crazy people think the IRS is out to get them personally.

–*Twenty percent of crazy people think the CIA is out to get them personally.

–*Fifty percent of crazy rich people think Barack Obama is out to get them personally.

–*0.00002% of people think the girl who played Blossom wants to smother them with a pillow.

–*Ten percent of independents want a third-party candidate because they are trying to synthesize what’s best about the positions of the right and the left.

–*The other 90% don’t really know what the issues are because they’re watching Jersey Shore. Is that JWoww built or what?

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–*Rock star yourself

–*Mad Men Yourself

–*Avatar Yourself

–*Ewok Yourself

–*Jersey Shore Yourself

–*Do Something With Yourself

–*18th Century French Whore With Syphilis Yourself

–*Uninsure Yourself

–*Turn Yourself Into a Tea Party Crackpot

–*Join a Militia

–*Take Back Your Country From the Black People

–*Commune with Other People Who Share Your Unfocused Rage

–*Make Yourself Politically Aware Without Doing Any Reading

–*Do a copycat suicide

–*Mail in an application to become one of the millions of people who murdered John F. Kennedy

–*Set Fire To This Cartoon Tree

–*Set Fire To a Real Tree

–*The “start your own religion machine” tailored to your own particular belief system, one that rejects icons, accepts Jesus as four different substances, replaces fiat currency for a gold standard, acknowledges the existence of Bigfoot, and confirms the superiority of the Beatles over the Rolling Stones.

–*A new application that would show you how you might look different if you had any imagination whatsoever.


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–*We’re not celebrating it. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and every day is Valentine’s Day to us.

–*We’re purchasing on an extra sexy nightie, and to make it more naughty, leaving the tag on so we can return it all soiled to Victoria’s Secret tomorrow.

–*We’re putting on our favorite sensual music. “Master of Puppets” by Metallica usually puts her in the mood.

–*We’re eating food with aphrodisiac qualities like oysters, chocolate, asparagus, honey, basil and Gas-X.

–*We’re watching Julie & Julia again and rewinding over and over the scene where Julia Child says she likes a hot cock.

–*Romantic love is a narcissistic bourgeois concept. I am much happier in the jungles of Peru with my bloodthirsty communist group The Shining Path and plan to celebrate my 30th year here by eating banana leaves and wiping my ass with tree bark.

–*I’m wining and dining the woman of my dreams at a romantic dinner, telling her how much she has meant to me and telling her how she and I are going to begin a great adventure in marriage together after I leave my third wife and sundry children.

–*I’m spending money on food, wine and Valentine’s Day chocolate, because if I don’t, the terrorists win.

–*I’m making promises I can’t keep about giving my lover all the things she wants, starting with universal health care.

–*Love is mainly an illusion. Tonight I’m indulging that illusion with Henry.

–*Tonight I’ll be laughing at all the people in relationships who are wasting all their god damned money on an expensive dinner.

–*My wife and I are therapists and tonight we’ll be engaging in projection, transference, parataxic distortion, denial and all the other things that make love great.

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Rock ‘n’ roll legend Neil Young recalled his glory days of rock ‘n’ roll in the ’60s, ’70s, ’80s and ’90s with the help of a 19-year-old journalist on Monday, an interview that revealed the deep inner spiritual journey that Young has taken, at least as far as he can remember it with the help of notes, journals, recordings and documentary film footage and the huge contribution of the journalist, a reporter for the student paper at SUNY Buffalo.

“It all started … where did it start?” Young asked journalist Lauren Brackman, a fan of the proto-grunge rocker since she was 12.

“It started in Canada, right?” Brackman suggested. “You used to drive around in a hearse.”

“Right!” recalls Young. “I had this hearse.”

With Brackman’s help, Young then remembered that he drove his hearse to Los Angeles in hopes of making it in the music business back in 1965. He wasn’t having much luck, but then he was spotted one day by an old friend he knew from the folk club circuit.

“And that was …” Young hesitated.

“Stephen Stills?” Brackman offered.

“Right!” Young exclaimed. “He saw this hearse on the road as we were stuck in traffic and Stephen said …”

“That’s got to be Neil?”

“Right! And that’s how we formed …”

“The Buffalo Springfield?”

“Yeah. Wow, those days were wild.”

Brackman then helped Young remember how he had actually entered the country without a green card and was actually performing illegally in the United States for many years.

“But I got all that settled,” Young said. “I’m legal now.”

“Yes,” said Brackman. “As of 1970.”

However, Young’s friend Bruce Palmer, the Buffalo Springfield’s bassist, made only erstwhile contributions to the band after facing a series of legal setbacks with drugs that eventually led to his deportation. Several times he was replaced in recording sessions, Brackman reminded Young.

“Yeah, that was too bad,” Young said.

After she helped Young remember the Buffalo Springfield, she jogged his memory about his career in Canada with the Rick James-fronted band the Mynah Birds. The band broke up after James was arrested for being AWOL from the U.S. Navy, Brackman reminded Young who nodded.

Brackman also recalled Young’s solo career, including such classic albums as Harvest. After that, Brackman politely elicited memories about his participation in Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young and Young’s years as a rock ‘n’ roll outcast, sometimes embracing the spotlight but other times spurning it with such erratic records as the synthesizer farce Trans. Later on, Brackman reminded Young, he became a godfather to the nascent grunge movement and reignited his career with the album Freedom in 1989.

“Wow,” he said. “It’s hard to sum up 40 to 50 years of insanity. You can’t just put it all into words. Or pictures. Or memories.”

While trying to steal a few new nuggets of information from the aging rocker, Brackman eventually gave up and pretty much just went back and used the research.

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–*The Situation

–*Pauly Q


–*Salmonella Bob


–*Fuck Face

–*Oatmeal Pete

–*Sidewinder Sally

–*Back Door Sue

–*Grandma Hattie

–*The Issue

–*The Problem

–*Orange Alert

–*Orange Tan Alert

–*Melanoma Mary



–*Race Bait Vin

–*Nightmare Steve

–*Zulu Dawn

–*Staten Island Bob

–*Boom Boom

–*”Uncomfortable Silence” Frank

–*J Duh

–*Fixodent and Forget It

–*Mau Mau

–*Your Place Or Mine

–*Diphtheria Chuck

–*The Awesomeness

–*Guido the Killer Pimp

–*”Sid” In Quotation Marks

–*Sid Without Quotation Marks

–*The Situation With Mange

–*The Situation With Crabs

–*The Accidental Dismemberment Situation



–*Angie From Exit 82

–*Angie From Exit 86


–*Staten Island Scurvy

–*Pauly No Club Foot (In Memory of Pauly Club Foot, who now sleeps forever in quick lime)

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Tonight, the New Orleans Saints faced off against the Indianapolis Colts, and as viewers know, this was one for the history books. From the history-making touch downs, to the endless scrums for position, to the awesome half-time shows, to the commercials that had us rolling in the aisles, this was one Super Bowl that people will definitely be talking about for years.

New Orleans has never won a title, which made tonight very important for them. It was trebly important for them given the troubles the city has seen and its need to restore a little civic pride and excitement.

It was also an important night for Peyton Manning. As you know, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the game. Nobody can hold a candle to him.

One thing is for sure, whether New Orleans wins or loses, the city is probably going to throw a party because that’s what they do best. Win or lose, it’s always a good time to do it up Cajun style.

OK, you’ve probably caught wind of the fact that I haven’t watched the game and I have no idea who won. As a journalist, it just wouldn’t be responsible of me to let you think I’d seen the game in person or watched it on TV when I haven’t. I just don’t want to pretend to give you the news when I haven’t got it first hand. That’s why I’m refusing to read The New York Times or The Washington Post or Yahoo to see who actually won because I don’t use second-hand sources. I’m giving you the scoop only as far as these eyes have it. It’s just not fair to my readers otherwise. It would really be dishonest of me.

But I can tell you that there was plenty of excitement. From the records set by some or more players in the game to the surprise, sexy half-time show (perhaps there were a few “wardrobe malfunctions”?), Super Bowl 2010 was balls-to-the-wall excitement, I am guessing. There were very likely many injuries and perhaps some last-minute tough calls by the coaches. Peyton Manning did his damnedest to incite his team to do their best work, whichever team he plays for. Also there was a huge soda commercial and perhaps an Apple Computer commercial as well. They have a new product out that looks like a writing tablet.

From up on high we saw pictures from the Goodyear blimp to give you a large panoramic perspective that increases your sense of space and amps up the anticipation.

Let’s not forget the lovely cheerleaders. I’m sure, well … I’m sure we’d all of us like to sleep with them. I hope I don’t sound sexist. I’m sure even you women out there would like to sleep with them. And the mascots! There are even people in the world who would like to sleep with the mascots, if you believe what you read on Match.com.

I tell you, if this wasn’t the best fucking Super Bowl in years, I’ll flash my bare ass from Macy’s window. When you’re at the water cooler tomorrow, I hope that some of these tidbits from the game will spice up your talk a little. And also I hope you’ll tell me who won. I was busy doing something else on Sunday.

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–*After a rule change, there are now 10 nominees for best picture. In keeping with this new spirit of diluted quality, the category will be renamed “Most Acceptable Picture.”

–*There were many historic firsts in the nominations this year if by first you mean it’s the second or fourth times something’s happened.

–*Historic if “first nominee to ever own a Prius” is historic to you.

–*The director of Precious, Lee Daniels, says that he hopes the nomination of his film as best picture will bring more people to see it. For some reason, an inner city tale about obesity, child abuse, incest, drug addition, dyslexia, Down Syndrome and AIDS is having trouble finding an audience.

–*In expanding the Best Picture category, the academy was hoping to draw more interest to the event by including more crowd pleasers in the competition and keeping actual good movies from having an unfair advantage.

–*Because so many best picture nominees have been added, the academy had to shorten other lists for time. The best supporting actor Oscars thus automatically go to Mo’Nique and Christopher Waltz so we can dispense with all the unnecessary suspense.

–*The competition pits James Cameron, the creator of Avatar, against his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker, in the best director category. According to their divorce settlement, however, if Bigelow wins, Cameron will be able to visit the Oscar on weekends, but Bigelow will take a good chunk of Cameron’s artistic credibility.

–*Bigelow will make history if she wins, by being the first female to take home the statuette, but will also erase history, mainly by making us all forget how many horrible films she’s made.

–*Many observers were outraged that Avatar‘s actors were not nominated, arguing that the film’s animation was actually guided by gestures, facial quirks and timing of actors such as Zoe Saldana. Which provokes the interesting scientific question: Would R2-D2 have been nominated as best actor for Star Wars had he not chewed so much scenery?

–*We’ve not only got 10 nominated films, but two hosts–Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Obviously, we need to cram as many stars into this night as possible because your neuron receptors have become desensitized to the sight of only one star and now you need several, suggesting heightened bodily tolerance and altered neuroplasticity.

–*Quentin Tarantino is certain to win the Oscar by rewriting history and single-handedly defeating the Nazis. That at least merits an Oscar, a Nobel and a Congressional Medal of Honor.

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–*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.

–*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.

–*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.

–*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, “My Pants Are On the Ground,” “Help I Need Insulin,” “I Haven’t Eaten In Three Days,” and “What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven’t Eaten in Three Days.”

–*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.

–*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.

–*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.

–*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight’s Grammy-nominated music.

–*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle’s expense. Since she isn’t at the Grammys in person, it’s safe to say we’re laughing at her not with her.

–*3-D “Grammy Glasses” handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.

–*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.

–*Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies,” beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin’s work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.

–*Taylor Swift is blonde.

–*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, “I’mma Drop M’ Vowls.”

–*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and anything else we can throw at them.

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