Posts Tagged ‘Valentine’s Day’

Roses–*We could have sent a singing telegram.

–*We could have made reservations at an upscale restaurant days in advance.

–*We could have bought our love ones sexy essential oils like sandalwood or jasmine.

–*We could have created a “coupon” for one extra sexy bath.

–*We could have cooked a surprise dinner of London broil garnished with rosemary and crushed garlic.

–*We could have written a special poem just for the occasion.

–* … bonus points for one that didn’t rhyme.

–*We could have taken him or her for a carriage ride around the park to create an extra sexy mood.

–*We could have lit some candles on wall sconces, turned off the lights and listened to sexy music by Barry White, Beth Orton or Bon Iver.

–*We could have found a sitter.

–*Or we could have just acknowledged that after 10 years of marriage, the pint of Ben & Jerry’s sufficed.

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Valentine’s Day Sentiments

What do our Valentine’s Day cards say?

–*You are my heart.

–*You are my soul.

–*You are my kidneys.

–*You are the person I have grown to love after I settled for you.

–*Love is like two souls joining. Especially in this community property state of Wisconsin.

–*Top ten reasons you are the only one for me, No. 7:  I don’t really need another public divorce, Love Ronald Perelman.

–*Like Philadelphia, I love you back, but unlike Philadelphia, I am not the meth capital of the U.S.

–*I’m sorry, I am giving the rose to Courtney.

–*I’m giving this Valentine’s Day card to you because my fifth grade teacher has ordered us to give cards to everybody else in the class, and thus I have fulfilled my legal obligation.

–*Valentine’s Day is not just a fake holiday invented by the greeting card industry. It’s also an extra reason for single people to feel awful.

–*I’m pretty sure that this Valentine’s Day card to you, my love, does not violate the restraining order, but if it does, please disregard.

–*Few people know what love really is. But I do. It’s part of the male posturing process among monkeys to dominate other males in order to propagate their DNA.

–*Monkey see, monkey do, roses are red and I love you.

–*Let’s drop the pretense. Let’s do it!

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–*We’re not celebrating it. We’re Jehovah’s Witnesses and every day is Valentine’s Day to us.

–*We’re purchasing on an extra sexy nightie, and to make it more naughty, leaving the tag on so we can return it all soiled to Victoria’s Secret tomorrow.

–*We’re putting on our favorite sensual music. “Master of Puppets” by Metallica usually puts her in the mood.

–*We’re eating food with aphrodisiac qualities like oysters, chocolate, asparagus, honey, basil and Gas-X.

–*We’re watching Julie & Julia again and rewinding over and over the scene where Julia Child says she likes a hot cock.

–*Romantic love is a narcissistic bourgeois concept. I am much happier in the jungles of Peru with my bloodthirsty communist group The Shining Path and plan to celebrate my 30th year here by eating banana leaves and wiping my ass with tree bark.

–*I’m wining and dining the woman of my dreams at a romantic dinner, telling her how much she has meant to me and telling her how she and I are going to begin a great adventure in marriage together after I leave my third wife and sundry children.

–*I’m spending money on food, wine and Valentine’s Day chocolate, because if I don’t, the terrorists win.

–*I’m making promises I can’t keep about giving my lover all the things she wants, starting with universal health care.

–*Love is mainly an illusion. Tonight I’m indulging that illusion with Henry.

–*Tonight I’ll be laughing at all the people in relationships who are wasting all their god damned money on an expensive dinner.

–*My wife and I are therapists and tonight we’ll be engaging in projection, transference, parataxic distortion, denial and all the other things that make love great.

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