Beauty is Imperfection

–*After a rule change, there are now 10 nominees for best picture. In keeping with this new spirit of diluted quality, the category will be renamed “Most Acceptable Picture.”

–*There were many historic firsts in the nominations this year if by first you mean it’s the second or fourth times something’s happened.

–*Historic if “first nominee to ever own a Prius” is historic to you.

–*The director of Precious, Lee Daniels, says that he hopes the nomination of his film as best picture will bring more people to see it. For some reason, an inner city tale about obesity, child abuse, incest, drug addition, dyslexia, Down Syndrome and AIDS is having trouble finding an audience.

–*In expanding the Best Picture category, the academy was hoping to draw more interest to the event by including more crowd pleasers in the competition and keeping actual good movies from having an unfair advantage.

–*Because so many best picture nominees have been added, the academy had to shorten other lists for time. The best supporting actor Oscars thus automatically go to Mo’Nique and Christopher Waltz so we can dispense with all the unnecessary suspense.

–*The competition pits James Cameron, the creator of Avatar, against his ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow, director of The Hurt Locker, in the best director category. According to their divorce settlement, however, if Bigelow wins, Cameron will be able to visit the Oscar on weekends, but Bigelow will take a good chunk of Cameron’s artistic credibility.

–*Bigelow will make history if she wins, by being the first female to take home the statuette, but will also erase history, mainly by making us all forget how many horrible films she’s made.

–*Many observers were outraged that Avatar‘s actors were not nominated, arguing that the film’s animation was actually guided by gestures, facial quirks and timing of actors such as Zoe Saldana. Which provokes the interesting scientific question: Would R2-D2 have been nominated as best actor for Star Wars had he not chewed so much scenery?

–*We’ve not only got 10 nominated films, but two hosts–Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Obviously, we need to cram as many stars into this night as possible because your neuron receptors have become desensitized to the sight of only one star and now you need several, suggesting heightened bodily tolerance and altered neuroplasticity.

–*Quentin Tarantino is certain to win the Oscar by rewriting history and single-handedly defeating the Nazis. That at least merits an Oscar, a Nobel and a Congressional Medal of Honor.