Posts Tagged ‘American Idol’

Season 10 of American Idol launched tonight, and call me a pollyanna, but I have much optimism that this will be the most technologically advanced season of AI ever. From the Botox injections, to the Autotuned music of the guests, to the amazing graphics to the phenomenal cutting edge film editing technology, this year’s show has everything to provide you with the best entertainment that machines and not humans can offer.

You cannot argue that we are still celebrating an incredible century of scientific achievement when we saw breakthroughs in mathematics, chemistry, particle physics, computing, biology, industrial science, etc., and I believe these breakthroughs have naturally brought us here, to a new dawn of American potential that is Season 10 of American Idol. As the judges traveled through the heart of American commerce and industry–East Rutherford, N.J.– looking for the next person whose face will grace the Prospectus of a large military-industrial company’s media subsidiary, we were reminded again that America is built on innovation and ineluctable technological advance. From the opening graphics to the Terminator robot voice responsible for Miley Cyrus’ “Party In the USA,” American Idol is a revolutionary creation right up there with Rene Descartes’ automatons, the combustion engine, the atom smasher and recombinant bovine hormone. The show even uses very professional demographic studies based on statistical analysis to know exactly who to put in the front row to show the most preconceived excitement. Capable professionals who master in film editing techniques will be on hand to make sure that we feel human drama at right times, as well as moments of comic respite.

I cannot help but think that this is what Hegel meant when he laid out his dialectical method of scientific progress, and that we are synthesizing new and better things every day. We envy the machines we create, because they reveal our idealism, our enlightenment responsibility to reason. As we saw tonight, when people gathered together to sing the hit Miley Cyrus song, people are enamored of robots and this bodes very well for our country’s technical schools, engineering programs and computer science departments. They want to perfect themselves with Botox. Like Steven Tyler very likely does. They want to lose weight like Randy Jackson through gastric bypass.  They want to efficiently condense their names into useful portmanteau words like “Benifer.” Even the show’s public relations effort has been pursued by highly trained professionals who know exactly the right moment to claim the show is a hit just in case the ratings prove otherwise.

Even British mathematical genius Alan Turing could not have come up with a Turing machine as self-perfecting as the American Idol juggernaut, and my guess is that this show will leave us with a legacy of new technologies as World War II did when it brought us rocket fuels, helicopters, new plastics, metallurgy, medicine and Jane Russell.

I can’t wait to watch it again next week to see how this show will inevitably improve me. See you there, fans.

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Recent news reports have suggested that Howard Stern was under consideration to take over judging duties in future seasons of American Idol.

What other changes have the producers got in mind?

–*Wild huskies will be allowed to roam the studios while the contestants perform.

–*The female contestants will regularly be advised to take their clothes off

–*Ellen DeGeneres will be replaced as judge by a 90-year-old deaf Palestinian refugee

–*Kara will type in her comments from an IPhone and they will be transcribed on screen, if she feels like it.

–*An occasional streaker will run through the studio

–*The auditions will be cut short so that Howard can savagely attack Don Imus for 20 minutes.

–*Howard may interrupt the performances to plug a guy from Little Neck who sells brake shoes …

–* … and extol the virtues of good clean Lesbianism.

–*A contestant without a vibrato will be forgiven if she can shoot a ping-pong ball out of her vagina

–*Idol will now run with a continuous news crawl listing the pharmacological regimens of all the judges, including any benzodiazepenes, muscle relaxants or hormone replacement therapies that may be affecting their judging.

–*In a new segment, the Idol contestants will be assigned musical identities early on by Howard and Baba Booey so it will be easier for us to remember them–such as the bad girl, the “Goth girl,” the baby mama, the teen heartthrob, the closeted gay, the not-closeted gay, the ex-crack addict, the widower, the orphan, the troubled veteran, the schizophrenic man without pants, the crazy female industrial glass blower and the housewife who swallows.

–*Gays will still never win

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Survivor: Lord of the Flies. Tonight, the tribes finally do away with Piggy.

American Idol: Everybody sings like Duffy this year and has diabetes.

Dead spouses and criminal records up the wow factor on Houseand American Idol both.

Ellen DeGeneres, Howard Stern and Grandpa from “Hee Haw” love Crystal Bowersox.

4 Vh-1
Beautiful and Infected (reality)

5 ABC Family
Keeping Up with the Palins

Palin Fear Factor

7 Vh-1
Palin of Love

8 Bravo
Growing Up Palin

9 Discovery
How Little Palins Are Made

10 History Channel
A new game show: Genocide or Not Genocide?

11 CNN
A new wrinkle in the New York governor scandal: David Paterson is also apparently deaf.

12 700 Club
A spot news report: While God apparently vacations on other side of the world, a catastrophic earthquake strikes Chile.

13 MTV
Punch Snooki in the face once, shame on you. Punch Snooki in the face twice, shame on Snooki.

14 Lifetime Movie
At the sound of the crying, the self-knowledge will begin.

14 Lifetime Movie
Mark Harmon: Not dead.

15 Discovery
Because of environmental clean-up efforts, biodiversity returns to New York Harbor–just in time for global warming to flood and kill everything.

16 Bloomberg
A look at the companies that by virtue of their sheer size can be the biggest alternative energy producers and the biggest polluters at the same time.

17 700 Club
Economic Outlook: Why Christians Should Hoard Gold

18 Animal Planet
Dolphins Talking Shit

19 Spike TV
A new reality show: “Douche Town”

20 Cinemax
Beaver Trapping with the Palins

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–*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.

–*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.

–*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.

–*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, “My Pants Are On the Ground,” “Help I Need Insulin,” “I Haven’t Eaten In Three Days,” and “What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven’t Eaten in Three Days.”

–*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.

–*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.

–*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.

–*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight’s Grammy-nominated music.

–*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle’s expense. Since she isn’t at the Grammys in person, it’s safe to say we’re laughing at her not with her.

–*3-D “Grammy Glasses” handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.

–*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.

–*Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies,” beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin’s work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.

–*Taylor Swift is blonde.

–*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, “I’mma Drop M’ Vowls.”

–*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and anything else we can throw at them.

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(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )

Sitcom: At the sound of the dulcet piano tones, the mediocrity will begin

Kelsey Grammer remains on celebrity welfare

American Gladiators: Female business consultant gets repeatedly kicked in the face as people without advanced degrees cheer on.

5 Fox
A big sucking vacuum where American Idol used to be

6 Bravo
A new fashion show: “Does This Really Look Good, Or Are You Trying To Turn Me Into A Little Bitch Boy?”

10 CNN
Larry King will meet the American Idol finalists and learn all about American Idol, whatever that may be.

12 CMT
Thus Spake Foxworthy

21 E! Entertainment Television
Denise Richards: It’s All Pretty Obvious

Boxing: Middle Weights Race To Brain Damage

24 National Geographic
Mt. Everest Climbers Will Take Your Stunningly Bad Odds

25 A&E
A repackaged version of a bad 40-year-old novel by hack Michael Crichton that is sure to expunge the memory of the unreadable book

26 Comedy Central
Libertarians Telling Fart Jokes

27 Cinemax
Tyler Perry finally creates the remake of the Japanese pornographic castration classic In The Realm of the Senses that we’ve all been waiting for

28 Discovery Channel
Meet the Caribbean Indians who become paralyzed from the neck down so that you can eat at Red Lobster

29 History Channel
Would it be too much to ask for, like, one show on the Gothic migrations or something like that? Or do I have to sit through more nonsense like “Monster Quest,” a cryptozoology show that would be much better fare for a cable access show watched by guys with five foot bongs?

30 HBO
A movie in which we point the camera at Seth Rogan and hope that he’s funny.

31 HBO2
A movie in which we relive the 2000 Florida recount and hope that it’s funny

32 Showtime
With Anne Boleyn gone, “The Tudors” moves at a snail’s pace during its third season and we are treated to much grousing by Henry VIII about his leg ulcers.

33 Lifetime
“Sex and the Single Mom”: The arrival of Grant Show induces labor in pregnant single woman

42 Cinemax
Prehensile Attractions

43 Disney
Hannah Montana feeds your family, bitch. So why don’t you go get Hannah Montana a Diet Coke before Hannah Montana ends you.

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(Originally posted Wednesday, May 14, 2008 )

If I thought there were as many serial killers in real life as there are on CBS shows, then I, too, would probably be a home-bound, agoraphobic, paranoid, right-wing, CBS-watching freak.

5 Fox

A very sad “American Idol” when perky contestant David Archuleta, no longer being dominated by his harsh father, and sensing the deterioration of audience interest, loses all guidance and inhibition and moral compass and yells out “Who wants to fuck me now, bitches?” Which is what happens when your dad (and American Idol) keep you a baby for too long. Carrie Underwood will probably do it next.

5 Fox
Hell’s Kitchen: “This is actually a pretty good flambé, you piece of f***ing sh**, stupid a** c*** face mother f**ker.”

Kristi Yamagucci has a terrible fall during “Dancing with the Stars” and sadly has to be euthanized on the dance floor

10 CNN
Hillary Clinton breezes through the West Virginia presidential primary with her new campaign slogan: “I feel your illiteracy.”

14 History
An archaeologist carrying a bullwhip like Indiana Jones inadvertently destroys thousands of ancient potsherds

20 Independent Film Channel
A Mother’s Day treat featuring “Spanking the Monkey,” “Luna,” and “Oedipus Rex.”

21 Telemundo
“Spanking Los Monkeys”: Un hombre disfruta sexo con su madre.”

22 E! Entertainment Television
The Top 10 Celebrity Orifices

23 HBO
Relive the classic ending of “The Sopran …”:

24 Showtime
Tonight on “The Tudors,” lots of stultified melodrama makes sure that English history remains cold, abstract, and uninteresting, but a lot of naked breasts keep things grounded in the here and now.

25 Fox News
If Sean Hannity can outwit John McCain, then just think what the Iranians, Chinese and Russians can do.

26 Lifetime
Movie: A fact-based story about an inspiring female. Not factual. Just fact-based. We made up the parts about the abusive husband, the growing up in poverty and the alcoholism, but the scholarship thing is true.

27 MTV
“Shot at Love With Tila Tequila”: Tonight’s revelation: Tila has smallpox, herpes and scrofula. Still want her?

28 Oxygen
“The Bad Girls Club.” The bad girls realize all of a sudden that they are simply puppets in a controlled sociological experiment, and soon form an enlightened proletariat class-consciousness that allows them to rise up and begin killing members of the TV crew, the producers and members of the audience.

29 Cinemax
Max After Dark Movie: “Naked And Foreclosed Upon”

30 VH-1
A VH-1 special about the sexual revolution that misses most of the intellectual changes going on in the ’60s and mainly focuses on the nudity.

31 We
Women Behind Bars: You might die old in prison, but your caged heat is timeless.

32 Animal Planet
Weird Canary Island Fighting Dog Sex Cults

33 Crosswalk
George W. Bush offers a compelling epistemological insight that “I invade countries, therefore I exist.”

34 Crosswalk 2
… which pretty much sums up history in a nutshell, doesn’t it?

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(Originally posted Wednesday, February 13, 2008 )

“Roger Clemens”+steroids

“Roger Clemens”+wife+steroids

“Roger Clemens”+wife+bikini+steroids

“Roger Clemens”+”Brian McNamee”+wife+steroids

“Jose Canseco”+wife+bikini

“Debbie Clemens”+”Jessica Canseco”+”comparing physiques in mirror”

“Debbie Clemens”+bikini+”Sports Illustrated”

“Jessica Canseco”+naked+Playboy

“Andy Pettitte”+”human growth hormone”+prudent+discreet


Clemens+steroids+”statistically impossible”

“John McCain”+”front-runner”

“John McCain”+”front-runner”+Barack

“Mitt Romney”+”Rush Limbaugh”+crying

“John McCain”+”Barack Obama”+”audacity of hope”

“What does platitude mean?”

“Is hope a platitude?”

“Why does John McCain hate platitudes?”

“Why does John McCain hate hope?”

McCain+”Hanoi Hilton”+torture

McCain+”Fidel Castro”+”pissing match”

“Roger Clemens”+”wife took human growth hormone”

“Did Debbie Clemens take human growth hormone?”

“Does human growth hormone cause aggression?”

“Roger Clemens”+”2000 World Series” and “threw baseball bat at Mike Piazza”

“Roger Clemens”+”threw bat”+”$50,000 fine”

“Roger Clemens”+”Congressional oversight committee”+”I don’t believe you”

“American Idol”

“American Idol”+”female singer”+”dad just died”

“How many American Idol contestants’ dads just died?”

“American Idol”+”female singer”+”dad just died”+”statistically impossible”

“Paul Abdul”+rehab

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