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Posts Tagged ‘CBS’

Newly minted celebrity Ted Williams, the homeless drug addict with the mellifluous radio voice who was found on an off-ramp last week giving highly polished traffic updates, has in just one week left the streets of Ohio to reach the pinnacle of stardom. Entertainment Tonight has even brought him on a tour of Hollywood and given him an audience with Doctor Phil. He’s visited the Los Angeles Lakers. He’s won a Kraft commercial. His story has already taken on the dimensions of an epic with all its attendant plot points of fall from grace and redemption. He also happens to share a name with a famous baseball player, a fact that was unearthed by diligent researchers at CBS.

This leads me to the next question. With his new tight schedule, how are we going to keep Ted Williams awake? I’m just saying, he might really benefit from the use of some killer drugs, perhaps some mini-bennies or white crosses or what have you.

Then we have to ask, what is Ted going to do when this media attention suddenly fades, and the esteem he’s getting artificially from Entertainment Tonight reporters needs instead to be generated from within? My prescription? Drugs! Heroin or cocaine are very different kinds of substances, but both will offer Ted the self-esteem he will most definitely need in spades once the 2000 watt stage lights have turned away and Mary Hart has completely lost interest in his golden voice.

What happens when Doctor Phil has finished Ted’s psychological evaluation and Ted finds he cannot face the pain he’s caused so many? How about a big flagon full of soul killing alcohol? Or china white. Or ‘shrooms? Whippets or liquid paper?

Also, drugs are very good for withdrawal. So I recommend Ted Williams have some on hand when he has euphoric chemical memory that makes him junk sick, especially when the feelings of worthlessness come back midwifed by Doctor Phil.

Williams prayed on the Today show. At some point, when he realizes that this practice is largely unhelpful, it’s very likely he’s going to want to turn to something with a little more bite. Like valium or downers or acid.

I guess the point I’m making is that there are lots of things that would make you feel more suicidal then a life of drugs–and that’s life as an ex-celebrity. Ted Williams has suddenly found himself surrounded by non-friends, and rather than giving him a blast of black tar heroin to the arm, they’ve given him a shot of the more vexing junk called fame. With friends like Doctor Phil, who needs a Doctor Philgood?

I look forward to the next YouTube video in which Ted, live from the I-95 off ramp in Miami, says “Fuck you, America. If you loved me, you’d give me some smack!”

By the way, CBS, the plural of “Williams” is “Williamses.” What are you, on drugs?

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(Originally posted Wednesday, May 14, 2008 )

2 CBS
If I thought there were as many serial killers in real life as there are on CBS shows, then I, too, would probably be a home-bound, agoraphobic, paranoid, right-wing, CBS-watching freak.

5 Fox

A very sad “American Idol” when perky contestant David Archuleta, no longer being dominated by his harsh father, and sensing the deterioration of audience interest, loses all guidance and inhibition and moral compass and yells out “Who wants to fuck me now, bitches?” Which is what happens when your dad (and American Idol) keep you a baby for too long. Carrie Underwood will probably do it next.

5 Fox
Hell’s Kitchen: “This is actually a pretty good flambé, you piece of f***ing sh**, stupid a** c*** face mother f**ker.”

7 ABC
Kristi Yamagucci has a terrible fall during “Dancing with the Stars” and sadly has to be euthanized on the dance floor

10 CNN
Hillary Clinton breezes through the West Virginia presidential primary with her new campaign slogan: “I feel your illiteracy.”

14 History
An archaeologist carrying a bullwhip like Indiana Jones inadvertently destroys thousands of ancient potsherds

20 Independent Film Channel
A Mother’s Day treat featuring “Spanking the Monkey,” “Luna,” and “Oedipus Rex.”

21 Telemundo
“Spanking Los Monkeys”: Un hombre disfruta sexo con su madre.”

22 E! Entertainment Television
The Top 10 Celebrity Orifices

23 HBO
Relive the classic ending of “The Sopran …”:

24 Showtime
Tonight on “The Tudors,” lots of stultified melodrama makes sure that English history remains cold, abstract, and uninteresting, but a lot of naked breasts keep things grounded in the here and now.

25 Fox News
If Sean Hannity can outwit John McCain, then just think what the Iranians, Chinese and Russians can do.

26 Lifetime
Movie: A fact-based story about an inspiring female. Not factual. Just fact-based. We made up the parts about the abusive husband, the growing up in poverty and the alcoholism, but the scholarship thing is true.

27 MTV
“Shot at Love With Tila Tequila”: Tonight’s revelation: Tila has smallpox, herpes and scrofula. Still want her?

28 Oxygen
“The Bad Girls Club.” The bad girls realize all of a sudden that they are simply puppets in a controlled sociological experiment, and soon form an enlightened proletariat class-consciousness that allows them to rise up and begin killing members of the TV crew, the producers and members of the audience.

29 Cinemax
Max After Dark Movie: “Naked And Foreclosed Upon”

30 VH-1
A VH-1 special about the sexual revolution that misses most of the intellectual changes going on in the ’60s and mainly focuses on the nudity.

31 We
Women Behind Bars: You might die old in prison, but your caged heat is timeless.

32 Animal Planet
Weird Canary Island Fighting Dog Sex Cults

33 Crosswalk
George W. Bush offers a compelling epistemological insight that “I invade countries, therefore I exist.”

34 Crosswalk 2
… which pretty much sums up history in a nutshell, doesn’t it?

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