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Posts Tagged ‘Howard Stern’

Recent news reports have suggested that Howard Stern was under consideration to take over judging duties in future seasons of American Idol.

What other changes have the producers got in mind?

–*Wild huskies will be allowed to roam the studios while the contestants perform.

–*The female contestants will regularly be advised to take their clothes off

–*Ellen DeGeneres will be replaced as judge by a 90-year-old deaf Palestinian refugee

–*Kara will type in her comments from an IPhone and they will be transcribed on screen, if she feels like it.

–*An occasional streaker will run through the studio

–*The auditions will be cut short so that Howard can savagely attack Don Imus for 20 minutes.

–*Howard may interrupt the performances to plug a guy from Little Neck who sells brake shoes …

–* … and extol the virtues of good clean Lesbianism.

–*A contestant without a vibrato will be forgiven if she can shoot a ping-pong ball out of her vagina

–*Idol will now run with a continuous news crawl listing the pharmacological regimens of all the judges, including any benzodiazepenes, muscle relaxants or hormone replacement therapies that may be affecting their judging.

–*In a new segment, the Idol contestants will be assigned musical identities early on by Howard and Baba Booey so it will be easier for us to remember them–such as the bad girl, the “Goth girl,” the baby mama, the teen heartthrob, the closeted gay, the not-closeted gay, the ex-crack addict, the widower, the orphan, the troubled veteran, the schizophrenic man without pants, the crazy female industrial glass blower and the housewife who swallows.

–*Gays will still never win

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(Originally posted Friday, December 21, 2007)

Radio personality Howard Stern struck again with several witty bon mots on his Sirius Satellite radio program Wednesday, mercilessly causing colleagues many a titter with hands cupped over mouths.

“Revenge is a dish best served cold; fortunately, Mr. Imus cannot cook,” said Stern, one of many witticisms delivered with rapid fire pacing and excellent timing to his crew Robin Quivers and Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate.

Stern continued his display of rapier like wit for his delighted and guffawing group, as well as to the millions who listen to his satellite radio broadcasts.

“A beautiful woman is to be much enjoyed … that is, until you meet her,” said Stern at 1 p.m., right before an ad for Davey’s Pizza, “The best pizza in Hoboken.” In response, Ms. Quivers covered her mouth again in her booth and said “Oh Howard! Stop!”

“Yes, you are too much, Mr. Stern,” said Mr. Booey, his finger raised in a mocking “tut tut.”

“Really terrible,” said producer Fred Norris. “You are an unseemly man, Stern.”

Mr. Stern, however, licked his lips, as if he had only delivered the apertif in a series of ironic barbs served for his guests.

“What I like about Stern,” said listener Dave Simmons of Duluth, Minnesota, “Is his ironic sense of the life and the fallibility of the mind and the senses. His mix of the subversive and the compassionate.”

Among Stern’s wry observations:

“The moment a man truly believes in anything, then he is really lost.”

“I believe a ‘y’ should always come at the end of ‘chastity,’ and a ‘why not’ at the end of ‘debauchery.'”

“Everybody loves a genius after they’ve killed him.”

“The only true art is the one made up of complete fabrications.”

“A man with a wife and a girlfriend has one wife too many.”

“Oh stop! Howard,” said on-air guest William Shatner. “You’re bad, Stern. So bad.”

The rejoinders began to fly fast and thick, with such repartee as would have made those at the Algonquin Round Table blush with envy.

“People whom you love always seem better than they actually are, while people who love you seem absolutely ridiculous,” said Stern.

“Are you really so down on love?” asked Ms. Quivers.

“Darling,” retorted Stern, “Love is what is professed to a whore when her price is too high or to any other woman whose price has not yet been established.”

“Fie on you Stern and your quick wit!” said Norris. Thus closed the show for another day.

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