Posts Tagged ‘Taylor Swift’

What were some of the highlights of the 2013 Golden Globe Awards?

–*Jodie Foster took 50 years and what seemed like 10 minutes to come out of the closet.

–*In her speech accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award, Foster begged for privacy and then said she was lonely and single and went into excruciating detail about how she liked her lesbian sex.

–*E! Entertainment television’s pre-show noted that the red carpet was thick with highly glamorous possible flu carriers.

–*Salma Hayek’s and Paul Rudd’s inability to improvise during a teleprompter gaffe cost millions of dollars in precious air seconds, time that they must pay back with their lives!

–*To get a Steven Spielberg movie made about him, Abraham Lincoln had to pay for it … with his life!

–*Former president Bill Clinton came to introduce the film¬†Lincoln, about America’s controversial 16th president whose record is very mixed among historians.

–*Lena Dunham proves with her show¬†Girls that if you’re naked a lot, on some level you can’t really be insufferably coy.

–*As we honor President Abraham Lincoln at an awards show, we must wonder if his last thought might have also been, “Hey, this is a pretty good show!”

–*Lena Dunham made a joke about the 2000 Oscars, which means she’s been watching these shows since she was 2.

–*Kanye West breathed a sigh of relief when he saw how badly Taylor Swift can behave at an awards show.

–*Tony Mendez, the hero of the film Argo, made a speech onstage about his Iran mission in very hushed tones, far away from his microphone, leading one to ask: “Did anyone tell Mendez the mission was declassified? They made a movie about it!”


–*Kevin Costner once carried the moral authority of the masculine American on the big screen. But now everybody’s gay and we all think he’s a douche bag.

–*Tommy Lee Jones is a star. But he is a distant star, and when he laughs at a joke, unfortunately we will not see it for 2.5 million years.

–*Tina Fey and Amy Poehler show that when you insult Americans you better be an American, Ricky Gervais.

–*Look, we know Sacha Baron Cohen is making fun of us. The real surprise and delight comes from figuring out how he’s making fun of us. This can take days to work out.

–*Argo proves that Ben Affleck is no fluke as a director. His acting career, however, continues to be a fluke.

–*Zero Dark Thirty has been called controversial by those who say it implicitly supports the American policy of torture. Torture among teenagers is already up 30%, says a worried Ed Asner.

–*Meryl Streep couldn’t be here tonight because being lauded so much has finally made her physically ill.

–*Really, I don’t think I was kidding about that Kanye West thing. If he had a football right now, he’d be spiking it!

–*The Golden Globes has people hotly anticipating the Oscar race now that people know how many good movies accidentally got made last year.

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–*Snooki of the reality show Jersey Shore dies in bizarre a pre-show red carpet appearance after somebody accidentally pours salt on her.

–*Steven Tyler sings a musical version of his cease and desist order against his band mates in Aerosmith who would dare think to continue without him.

–*Lady Gaga arrives dressed as the Solar System. Scientists on the red carpet criticize her inclusion of Pluto, while Joan Rivers says she looks like Uranus.

–*American Idol sensation Larry Platt sings his surprise hit songs, “My Pants Are On the Ground,” “Help I Need Insulin,” “I Haven’t Eaten In Three Days,” and “What Are You Laughing At, I Just Said I Haven’t Eaten in Three Days.”

–*Lady Gaga dresses like an outrageous cross between a white tiger and a Lincoln Towncar.

–*To outdo her performance last year, when she performed while pregnant, the artist M.I.A. this year breaks water onstage.

–*Lady Gaga dresses like a suppurating appendix.

–*Stephen Colbert keeps the ceremony loose by reminding us its OK to laugh and to dislike tonight’s Grammy-nominated music.

–*Colbert makes a joke at Susan Boyle’s expense. Since she isn’t at the Grammys in person, it’s safe to say we’re laughing at her not with her.

–*3-D “Grammy Glasses” handed out before the show allow viewers at home to be literally surrounded in mediocrity.

–*Michael Jackson is remembered for the spunk he put in every adult and child.

–*Beyonce’s song “Single Ladies,” beats out the Beatles, Shakespeare, quantum physics and Darwin’s work on the evolution of the species as the apex of human achievement as far as Kanye West is concerned.

–*Taylor Swift is blonde.

–*The Black Eyed Peas debut their new song, “I’mma Drop M’ Vowls.”

–*Lady Gaga and Elton John appear covered in soot, spermaceti wax, No. 5 viscosity motor oil, cheese whiz, Gerber baby food and anything else we can throw at them.

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We have all recently heard a lot about a rising young music star named Taylor Swift, the teen pop/country sensation who was named Billboard’s Artist of the Year and whose second release, Fearless, was named album of the year by the Academy of Country Music Awards. Besides her meteoric rise to fame, she is also known for her personal life. She is currently rumored to be dating Taylor Lautner.

If you, like me, are unfamiliar with Swift’s music, my 10-year-old nephew Colin has penned a review of Fearless that explains all you need to know about this new musical heavyweight.

Taylor Swift Is Hot With A Capital H
(Or, How Much Taylor Lautner Is A Boob)
by Colin Miller

Taylor Swift is hot with a capital H. Her music is smooth, really great, and she should not be dating Taylor Lautner because he is a boob. Her music is touching. Her music can teach. She can sing really good. She is a hottie. If I ever get into Taylor Lautner’s bedroom he better believe I’m going to get in his kitchen and steal a knife. He might have a gun on his shelf because that’s the kind of thing that he does.

Her hair is silky smooth. She is really hot, like I said before. Her voice is really great. She is the best guitar player in the world. And she’s 20, so that makes her hot. Her songs are the only ones that I know. “You Belong With Me.” And “Romeo and Juliet.” Those are good songs because she sings it good. They’re not even good songs if my uncle sang it. And if she wasn’t around, I would have no reason to live.

She is hot. She has good hair. She’s skinny. She’s only dating Taylor Lautner so she can dump him next year and make him feel like nothing. And she is a beauty. And she makes Britney Spears look like Fat Albert. And that’s all I have to say about Taylor Swift.

You should go out to buy her album because I think it’s a music video and you can make out with the screen. And her songs are really good because she actually sings good. She’s not just pretty. She sings good. And you can buy her album in the next year–she’s going to make an album about how much Taylor Lautner sucks.

Photo: Colin’s rendering of Taylor Swift. Here she is seen kissing Colin while Taylor Lautner lies off to the side, cut in half.

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Crawfordsville, Indiana (API) Sammy McBrayer was sitting at home last week watching YouTube when he came across a video people had been talking about at work: A clip of Kanye West at the MTV Video Music Awards jumping up in the middle of Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video award and insisting that artist Beyonce Knowles deserved it instead.

“I just went ballistic,” he said. “How dare this guy who wasn’t even involved jump in and steal this woman’s moment of glory? I thought somebody ought to give him such a smack.”

But then, McBrayer said, “I looked up Taylor Swift’s song book. Now I’ve got to turn down my sanctimony a few notches. I think Kanye might have been onto something.”

And after spending a few hours delving into Swift’s career, McBrayer says he really had to put everything in a new context.

“[Swift’s music] really blows. I mean it’s really a bunch of s***,” McBrayer said. “And supposedly she sings country music? Who did the calculus on that? Doesn’t sound much different than any of the crap my 13-year-old daughter listens to. You know the thing about 13-year-olds is that they turn 14 eventually.”

McBrayer says that though he still thinks West’s move was rude, “sometimes you have to be rude to do the right thing.”

“I realize now what Kanye was doing. Sometimes a brave person has to jump in the vortex–throw himself bodily into the crossfire to protect people like me from trifling mediocrity, the stuff that kills us from within … every day.”

McBrayer asked a bunch of people to come to his house to talk about their feelings later that night, and the group soon turned into an angry mob.

“Maybe we could go to her house and remove the award from her hands by force,” said a female neighbor who asked to remain anonymous.

“Yeah,” said another. “Or maybe we could invite Kanye to our town and tell him how sorry we are that we were all so nasty to him on the Internet.”

The crowd grew unruly, and McBrayer thought it might even spill into the streets.

Few of those gathered even suggested that they were big fans of Kanye West’s music, though they conceded that at least it was original, unlike the preconceived, glozed and corporate manufactured fluff that Swift was making to pander to kids and dummies.

“You can’t help but admire him,” said McBrayer. “Even if you don’t like his stuff, you’ve got to admire it. It’s innovative and rough in the right ways. He’s an artist, and meanwhile you’ve got this little piece of jailbait dancing around in her pajamas trying to render us helpless and stun us into mute stupidity with her poison electric stinger. Why are we taking her side on this?”

Though earlier in the week president Barack Obama had entered the fray by calling West a “jackass,” many of his advisors hoped that soon the president would recant and give West a medal of some sort.

“I just feel so bad,” said McBrayer. “I mean, I know that Kanye West doesn’t know me from Adam, but I was saying so many nasty things to him in my head, and it’s just bad karma because now I know he was doing it for me. I was so wrong. I was so very very wrong.”

The crowd departed with no immediate plans to take action.

As another neighbor of McBrayer’s said, “We’ve got to let it go. After all, Kanye will probably do something else that’s dumb at another awards show sooner or later. He can’t seem to help it. We weren’t right to be angry this time. But I guess he’ll earn it back somehow.”

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