Posts Tagged ‘George Clooney’

–*Woman who was kidnapped at age 5 now has her own hostage.

–*You’ll never believe where we bought these chives.

–*You’ll never believe who just recently died. And this attached photo of George Clooney means, really, you shouldn’t believe people like us when we tell you who recently died.

–*You’ll never believe it, but this carrot carved up to look like Donald Trump was once just a regular carrot.

–*These five women used to be so much older then, but they are younger than that now.

–*You should take this man’s investment advice because there is no way he was convicted of wire fraud in 2003.

–*You won’t believe who committed wire fraud, and this attached photo of George Clooney proves that you shouldn’t believe us when we tell you who committed wire fraud.

–*The shocking story behind the banality of evil.

–*Come here. There’s candy in my car.

–*Why you don’t see Shelley Winters in movies anymore.

–*Five women who surprisingly decided to be sexually harassed.

–*Being chased around the room by a naked screaming baby is pretty funny unless the baby is 6 feet tall and runs Miramax.

–*This prisoner bet he could eat 50 eggs.

–*This prisoner told his cellmate, “Nobody can eat 50 eggs!”

–*This prisoner added he could eat 50 eggs in an hour.

–*Twelve cadavers who surprisingly bared all.

–*Idiot Breitbart reader was also an idiot child.

–*Which of these former ‘Survivor’ contestants have gone feral?

–*Ten reasons Squeaky Fromme is not as lovable as she seems.

–*The 10 people at this party whom your use of irony was lost upon.

–*People who got mad and clicked this when we said the Eagles weren’t any good.

–*People who got mad and clicked this when we said Joanna Newsom wasn’t any good.

–*There’s a monster at the end of this book!

–*12 Hollywood sex scandals that ended in everyone dying and being forgotten after 80 years.

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What were some of the highlights of the 2013 Golden Globe Awards?

–*Jodie Foster took 50 years and what seemed like 10 minutes to come out of the closet.

–*In her speech accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award, Foster begged for privacy and then said she was lonely and single and went into excruciating detail about how she liked her lesbian sex.

–*E! Entertainment television’s pre-show noted that the red carpet was thick with highly glamorous possible flu carriers.

–*Salma Hayek’s and Paul Rudd’s inability to improvise during a teleprompter gaffe cost millions of dollars in precious air seconds, time that they must pay back with their lives!

–*To get a Steven Spielberg movie made about him, Abraham Lincoln had to pay for it … with his life!

–*Former president Bill Clinton came to introduce the film Lincoln, about America’s controversial 16th president whose record is very mixed among historians.

–*Lena Dunham proves with her show Girls that if you’re naked a lot, on some level you can’t really be insufferably coy.

–*As we honor President Abraham Lincoln at an awards show, we must wonder if his last thought might have also been, “Hey, this is a pretty good show!”

–*Lena Dunham made a joke about the 2000 Oscars, which means she’s been watching these shows since she was 2.

–*Kanye West breathed a sigh of relief when he saw how badly Taylor Swift can behave at an awards show.

–*Tony Mendez, the hero of the film Argo, made a speech onstage about his Iran mission in very hushed tones, far away from his microphone, leading one to ask: “Did anyone tell Mendez the mission was declassified? They made a movie about it!”


–*Kevin Costner once carried the moral authority of the masculine American on the big screen. But now everybody’s gay and we all think he’s a douche bag.

–*Tommy Lee Jones is a star. But he is a distant star, and when he laughs at a joke, unfortunately we will not see it for 2.5 million years.

–*Tina Fey and Amy Poehler show that when you insult Americans you better be an American, Ricky Gervais.

–*Look, we know Sacha Baron Cohen is making fun of us. The real surprise and delight comes from figuring out how he’s making fun of us. This can take days to work out.

–*Argo proves that Ben Affleck is no fluke as a director. His acting career, however, continues to be a fluke.

–*Zero Dark Thirty has been called controversial by those who say it implicitly supports the American policy of torture. Torture among teenagers is already up 30%, says a worried Ed Asner.

–*Meryl Streep couldn’t be here tonight because being lauded so much has finally made her physically ill.

–*Really, I don’t think I was kidding about that Kanye West thing. If he had a football right now, he’d be spiking it!

–*The Golden Globes has people hotly anticipating the Oscar race now that people know how many good movies accidentally got made last year.

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What were some of the greatest moments of the 2010 Oscars?

–*The Academy expanded the list of best picture nominees to perhaps draw more interest from mainstream audiences … and then drove those audiences away again with bizarre interpretive dance numbers that tried to recreate the drama of films like The Hurt Locker.

–*The guy who won for sound effects editing gave a really impassioned speech about the … oops, guess we had to cut him off for time.

–*A bunch of tech geeks were honored in a separate ceremony, but you can see them struggling for a brief moment of your attention in this group shot. Oh, sorry, we had to cut for commercial.

–*Farrah Fawcett was remembered in the hearts of every academy member. But only in their hearts, because some asshole left her out of the montage.

–*George Clooney is so popular, he can even wear an uncomfortable frown all night just to throw you off and put you on edge. He’s just toying with you. And you love it. You bitch.

–*Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin co-hosted and reminded the audience that low-key humility and the ability to poke fun at oneself is an actor’s best weapon, you stupid, thoughtless little pigs.

–*Kathryn Bigelow made Oscar history as the first female to win for directing. In honor of the occasion, Italian film legend Lina Wertmuller is going to direct a remake of Point Break.

–*Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for The Blind Side which is only slightly more egregious than Barack Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

–*Mo’Nique reminded us in her speech that the Oscars are not about the politics. Which is inspiring until you realize that winning affordable health care pretty much IS just about politics.

–*Lauren Bacall won a special award. No, we don’t want to know how she feels about it.

–*George Clooney racks up another trophy …  girlfriend.

–*Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely stunning in a dress by … hey wait a minute, what in the fuck is she doing here?

–*Long-winded blowhard director Roger Ross-Williams is interrupted in his acceptance speech for documentary short by crazy-talking schizophrenic martinet experiencing hot flashes.

Image: Francesco Marino / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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