Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

  • They shared erotic pictures of themselves on an Indonesian chat site. The court’s verdict: sexy!
  • This $2 bill was sitting at the bottom of his sock drawer like a $3 diamond.
  • We’ll never know what the dinosaurs thought of fast food.
  • This blogger said that his child’s painting should be worth $2 million at least. Just look at those colors!
  • Watch this adorable lion cub tussle and tumble with his brothers and try to understand that they are learning to murder.
  • This car wash hack was completely useless to this pedestrian.
  • This Amazon Go store never opened but you can still imagine it in the empty space Amazon left for you to stare at.
  • Kick your online privacy up a notch by faking your own death.
  • This dogsledder did himself no favors when he told the world he was actually a cat person.
  • It’s now more important than ever to have a poker face at the company Christmas party.
  • This couple is sad and disgusted by their totally avoidable 30-year age difference.
  • This urban designer is already thinking a million years ahead to when we’re all being engulfed by karst sinkholes.
  • This newborn doesn’t forgive lightly for you pushing them out of your womb.
  • These old videos surfaced of people sexualizing Seth Rogen in 2022, and needless to say … it was awkward!
  • Bra. Lamp. Fire. It’s all rogue!
  • This Black columnist is the only one who can beat up on a Black entertainer. Everyone else doing it is racist.
  • Not Pretty: These strippers are getting pretty lewd when talking about their healthcare plan deductibles.
  • This plumber shrugged and said, “You should have used copper.”
  • This gun killed everybody but the intruder because physics.
  • This Rasmussen Reports (no relation) innocently asked if it was OK to be white then snuck out the door after starting millions of unnecessary arguments which Rasmussen Reports had no way of knowing would happen because it insists it was just asking a normal, scientific question that many white supremacists would ask.
  • She opened the present and it was Anna, not Elsa. What happened next surprised no one.
  • You won’t be surprised at what this guy who bought pizza with crypto eight years ago more recently did with his firearm.
  • We celebrated the one year anniversary of Will Smith finding a novel solution to the problem of being universally liked.

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  • Madonna looks unrecognizable in this potato sack.
  • This picture of a stuffed animal fills you with feelings of nostalgia about your lost youth, admit it!
  • This cracked intake manifold was just the last straw in what seems like a life of total failure.
  • This nursing mom was nailing it as she passed on vital nutrients to her baby.
  • Lionel Barrymore is dead, which just confirms what everybody thought.
  • We asked these YouTubers to take the Ozempic challenge, and they did not disappoint.
  • This asexual couple is not apologizing for their totally chaste Friday night.
  • This Botox cannon blasted a female influencer clear into the next cornfield.
  • We’re not totally sure whether we should be sexualizing this penniless 72-year-old in her bandeau bikini top.
  • These six doctors on Long Island couldn’t give a shit if you’re dying.
  • We unraveled Alexandra Daddario’s genome to see if she could be any sexier in this Instagram undies selfie.
  • This woman has no apologies about having her gallstones removed.
  • This guy tells you how to get into an OK college by making fair to middling grades.
  • Kari Lake cannot, in fact, harvest her loss in the Arizona governor’s race to offset capital gains.
  • You’re opening your mail all wrong.
  • This lawyer killed it when she overcame the hurdle rate in her grantor retained annuity trust.
  • This young surgeon wasn’t ready to see a patient’s spleen get that big.
  • These mom hacks will have your kids taken away by social services.
  • Tucker Carlson on how and when and under what conditions that you, too, can be happy.
  • How a gun can take your meh parking space tiff to the next level.
  • How to give smirk-shaped kisses just like Ben Shapiro.
  • Why the best part of this Cracker Barrel breakfast was the morning-after pill.
  • Why your 10-year-old’s YouTube challenge this morning was evidently to sing every variation of the Burger King “Have it your way” jingle.
  • This woman on Reddit says her husband orders salad like an asshole, and she is done!
  • Say goodbye to your windshield. That’s hail!
  • This facial recognition software says pretty definitively that Anne Boleyn looked just like Manson Family member Susan Atkins.
  • Look at this shocking disrespect!
  • Pope says Facebook unfriending works just as well as excommunication.
  • Are you shaming the right people? Take this quiz.

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–*Tom Hardy is completely unrecognizable to those who don’t know who he is.

–*Why words refuse to work with Rudy Giuliani anymore.

–*Why you’ll never know what’s in this confidentiality agreement.

–*Why do we not hear from Leonard Nimoy anymore?

–*Which actresses bared all as part of a routine medical examination?

–*Why this olive branch is a peace symbol and not something you should put in your mouth, Taylor Swift.

–*Why when you click this link, God will not be there.

–*The end is nigh. Invest in gossamer wings.

–*This human growth hormone has had it with Lance Armstrong.

–*This old drunk used to be a young drunk.

–*How come you never hear from your partner’s genitals anymore?

–*How the #MeToo movement has ruined this cabbage cleanse.

–*The market will crash any day, says this investor waiting to buy assets from you on the cheap.

–*Why trading barter corn for dental care is the new normal.

–*Why this famous celebrity never saw the rock coming.

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Now that spring has sprung and temperatures are rising, many homeowners are bound to have visits from less-than-welcome creatures. But there is a way to deal with these pesky visitors other than using poison. Consider these natural methods of pest control.

–*Try spraying a little alcohol.

–*Put garlic at any of the ants’ entrance points.

–*Try to reason with the ants using Cartesian logic.

–*Try setting the ants on fire. Everybody knows that fire is natural.

–*Set about 50 anteaters loose in  your home.

–*Play John Mayer constantly. The ants will know this is one party they do not want to go to.

–*Everybody knows ants hate chalk. Write “Fuck you, ants,” in chalk on the floor.

–*Make a ton of money and move into a house that’s better built.

–*Essential oils will repel ants but will likely attract Gwyneth Paltrow.

–*Ants communicate with pheromones. Disrupt their communication chain by trying to destroy all pheromones in your house, including your own.

–*Stick your hand into a fire ant pile and let them repeatedly sting you until they become bored with the practice and leave.

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–*Everyone forgets that these celebrity couples were once just zygotes.

–*There was a candy bar in this picture a minute ago. Who took it?

–*Why Hollywood won’t hire William Holden anymore.

–*Could writing a check on somebody’s back be the new TikTok dance craze?

–*This hot stock tip has the SEC waiting to arrest you for this hot stock tip.

–*Click here for a dopamine rush!

–*Could sexual intercourse be the new day trading?

–*What happens at the end of this colonoscopy is not dinner conversation, damn it!

–*This can of Fanta sitting by itself is just awkward!

–*This anti-vaxxer comedian made that famous joke thief look not so bad in hindsight.

–*This Kanye West made that Taylor Swift look not so bad in hindsight.

–*She gave up everything for a blood test device that didn’t work.

–*This hack will allow you to read the work of journalists for free by using the internet.

–*This hack will allow you to hear the work of musicians for free by using the internet.

–*Who is Lionel Barrymore dating 95 years ago?

–This Grecian urn hack will have you saying that truth is beauty and beauty truth.

–*This tomato bisque … um, awkward!

–*She wore a tiered skirt over jeans. Next thing you know, we were at war.

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–*You’ll never guess how this kitten lost all his money.

–*Everyone but you is wearing their phones on the sides of their heads.

–*What Marie Osmond’s teeth look like today is insane!

–*This woman put what in where?

–*You didn’t love possums, so look what they did to your house.

–*See what happened when this man tried to take a bath in bitcoins.

–*This guy had a drill and you know exactly what happened to his hand.

–*This guy had a gun and you know exactly what happened to everyone around him.

–*This man used an anti-pirate slur. Look what the pirates did to him.

–*Ewwww! A pile of greasy pennies!

–*This actress stepped away at the height of her career and that’s why her name is completely baffling to you.

–*We kept asking this 93-year-old woman if sex is really over for her.

–*Could this headline launch a “stuff the doorknob in your mouth” challenge?

–*This man tried to own Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. It backfired.

–*Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez got into a car. It backfired.

–*This guy lives in a state with lots of gun owners. He hopes what he just heard was car backfire.

–*After this cleanse, your body will collapse into a heap of skin.

–*Travelectomy says your appendix will most likely explode in these cities.

–*I’m going to win the lottery, said this statistical illiterate.

–*You won’t get pregnant if I pull out on time said this statistical illiterate.

–*New York is a crime ridden sewer, say these statistical illiterates.

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—*Why Loving Your Parents Means You Probably Have a Chemical Imbalance

—*Why There’s Nothing To Smile About So Stop Smiling

—*Stop Right There With That Futile Plan

—*Everything You’re Doing With That Tomato Is Wrong

—*Why People Who Recognize Daylight Saving Turn Themselves Into Slaves

—*Why When You Give Somebody A Tip You Might As Well Be Putting a Cigar Out In Their Eyeball

—*How Delighting In the Sight of a Balloon Makes You Inured To Human Suffering

—*Don’t Write A Screenplay! Are You Out Of Your Mind?

—*We All Just Need to Stop Talking About the Moon

—*When Did Our Obsession With Billionaires Replace Our Obsession About Not Starving?

—*Well, Somebody’s Got To Mix This Concrete

—*You Have To Stop Vacuuming The Floor This Way Right Now

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–*Donald Trump said every man, woman and child was guilty of tax fraud but him.

–*Imagine that Trump is Smoky Bear saying, “Only you can prevent forest fires,” and by that Smoky pretty much meant he’s personally not going to do anything about forest fires.

–*Trump said that 200,000 people dying of Covid-19 was not that big a deal since there are so many numbers higher than 200,000.

–*Trump interrupted the sentence, “This is Donald Trump, the current president,” because he knew the statement would reflect badly on him.

–*Trump attacked the unrest in American cities that he’s not personally causing when he promotes street violence by angry white dropouts.

–*Trump used the word “socialism” as a kind of scientific experiment to see which low IQ mice that word still bothers.

–*People who don’t know the stock market from the economy cheer contradictory arguments with much animation and blank eyes.

–*”I want freedom for myself and oppression for everybody around me” now the guiding philosophy of most Americans.

–*Biden didn’t use the word “socialism” because at this point it is synonymous with the phrase “government working correctly.”

–Trump lashes out at Biden’s son because when the children of the powerful make money it’s better that they do it with buffoonish and obvious criminality.

–“I hate both sides,” still the go-to phrase for Americans without the ability to discern, judge or engage.

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Ghost and Hemispheres Cover Vol. 2The following is an excerpt from my novel, The Ghost and the Hemispheres, Volume 2, currently available as an e-book on Amazon.com.

As the students watched TV in the University Club, for the first time, Patroclus noticed that some 95% of the content came from the United States. There was Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, two television shows about wives possessed of magical powers, but rather than using the magic to free themselves from sexual slavery, penury and exploitation, the women instead served the monetary interests of their human slaveholder husbands. All they would have had to do was snap their fingers and their masters’ heads would have popped off like champagne corks, but instead they were alienated from that head-ripping-off potential by the awesome power of ideological hegemony. There was also Bonanza, a serial that humanized and normalized the rape of the American West by white expansion and subjugation (and let us not forget the dialogue wasn’t too bad).

When he sought reading material from the Balladares Pharmacy he found Time and Cosmo and Reader’s Digest and the Saturday Evening Post. He found pictures of a woman draped over a box of Pall Mall Gold 100’s, claiming that “You make out better at both ends.” A Lipton tea ad asking him if he was feeling “fagged.” Delco “Pleasurizer” shock absorbers for a better ride. “Husband pleasing” coffee. Sugar, which “turned into energy faster than any other food.” A car called a “Swinger.” White go-go boots. Half-nude bodies used to sell aspirin, women in suggestive siren poses meant to sell Pepsi. Pills for “tired blood” and women’s anxiety. He studied the cola and beer advertisements with deep post-structuralist curiosity.

The more girls buzzed about him, trying to confuse him, get his attention, diffuse his energy, raise his sap, get his blood up, dilute his prana, etc., the more Patroclus began to read from the books that Father Cuadra suggested: Hegel, Marx, Paulo Freire, Antonio Gramsci and Chairman Mao, and then finally, the book about the Crazy Little Army—Augusto César Sandino and his war in the Segovias. That war had taken place around Patroclus’s hometown. Yet nobody up there ever talked about Sandino. It was verboten. Like other young proto-revolutionaries, Patroclus also read Che Guevara and listened to the recordings of Radio Rebelde.

Every new Marxist walks about with a different set of eyes from the ones he had before. Everywhere Patroclus now saw things differently. One day he was out with Rosemarie and she asked him, “Should I get the chocolate-covered cherries or the chocolates with nothing in them?”

“Your choice is an illusion of freedom.”

She pinched his cheek.


“I’m serious. This is meaningless.”

“What are you saying, exactly, when you say this is meaningless?”

“I want to see other girls.”

She started to cry and he stood listening with a stone face, knowing he must take responsibility for the pain he had caused her, but also willing to live with it for the sake of his new conviction, which required pain if it were to be genuine—his girlfriend’s pain if necessary.

All the material wealth he saw others chasing convinced Patroclus that he somehow did not really live in the world at all—or at least that he was living in more dimensions than he was seeing. Those advertisements, those nude bodies, those TV shows made him realize that his heart and body had been colonized. That every move he made was the act of a puppet dancing on a string. As he sat in the hot, dusty railroad colonial corridors of his dorm studying his medical books, dust motes flowed sideways and down and from off the floor—in a space without gravity. Every song, every coo of every silly coquette—everything was fabricated, he realized, to hide the truth of things. A woman once raised her finger to Patroclus to argue with him after she had shortchanged him at the pharmacy. He stopped listening to her and regarded her finger. As it rose, it also fell, and went sideways at the same time. Her voice was high and low at the same time. They were speaking a script somebody else had written for them. They had divided themselves to keep the owners in power.

His life was now seen in a kaleidoscope. And the more he was at odds with reality, the more he saw proof of his other self emerging.

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Discovery Channel
Zoologists ask what birds would do with human arms. Answer: Just what humans do. Subjugate others.

Watch these documentaries now before we find out their subjects committed multiple acts of sexual assault.

“Don Lemon Can’t Believe What He’s Hearing,” followed by “Anderson Cooper: Everything’s Ludicrous.”

“Entourage” now opens with a featurette by Susan Faludi that explains its historical context.

Fox News
Why Whites Wearing Surgical Masks Is Tyranny, While Stopping and Frisking Black People Is OK

Paramount Network
“Cops” opens with a featurette explaining its historical context two months ago.

“Catfish”: This love thing might be an illusion. Also, you’re dating someone online with a fake profile.

CNN Money
Love is an illusion but I’m forwarding my credit card numbers to a guy I met online anyway.

The Manscapers of “Backyard Envy” really ought to be imagining this outdoor space as being full of quarantine tents.

Are they really “The Real Housewives of Manhattan” if they have fled the pandemic and aren’t here to fill out their census forms for important tax and political redistricting purposes?

The Real Housewives Remote After the After Show Show

Cash Cab: If you stay in the cab, you can win $300 and expose someone in the service industry to a deadly pathogen.

Black Ink Compton Crew: If you can’t write something nice on your body, best not to write anything at all.

An old “Crossfire” featuring Mojo Nixon arguing with Pat Buchanan about dirty song lyrics makes us wistfully remember when the left wing liked freedom of speech.

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