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Archive for the ‘Technology’ Category

Discovery Channel
Zoologists ask what birds would do with human arms. Answer: Just what humans do. Subjugate others.

Netflix
Watch these documentaries now before we find out their subjects committed multiple acts of sexual assault.

CNN
“Don Lemon Can’t Believe What He’s Hearing,” followed by “Anderson Cooper: Everything’s Ludicrous.”

HBO
“Entourage” now opens with a featurette by Susan Faludi that explains its historical context.

Fox News
Why Whites Wearing Surgical Masks Is Tyranny, While Stopping and Frisking Black People Is OK

Paramount Network
“Cops” opens with a featurette explaining its historical context two months ago.

MTV
“Catfish”: This love thing might be an illusion. Also, you’re dating someone online with a fake profile.

CNN Money
Love is an illusion but I’m forwarding my credit card numbers to a guy I met online anyway.

Bravo
The Manscapers of “Backyard Envy” really ought to be imagining this outdoor space as being full of quarantine tents.

Bravo
Are they really “The Real Housewives of Manhattan” if they have fled the pandemic and aren’t here to fill out their census forms for important tax and political redistricting purposes?

Bravo
The Real Housewives Remote After the After Show Show

Bravo
Cash Cab: If you stay in the cab, you can win $300 and expose someone in the service industry to a deadly pathogen.

Vh-1
Black Ink Compton Crew: If you can’t write something nice on your body, best not to write anything at all.

PBS
An old “Crossfire” featuring Mojo Nixon arguing with Pat Buchanan about dirty song lyrics makes us wistfully remember when the left wing liked freedom of speech.

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New Killer Apps

What new killer applications are available for download on your IPhone or Blackberry?

–*FoodZap – A new app that allows you to take a phone picture of a meal and tell if the food is South Beach Diet-friendly.

–*VirusGauge – An app that goes through your e-mail and tries to figure out which of your friends most likely has the H1N1 virus.

–*MidnightXPress It  – An app that tells you which Turkish prison you’re in.

–*Nixoner – An app that looks through your e-mail and tells you who your enemies are.

–*BombMe – An app that allows you to commit suicide by summoning a U.S. drone aircraft.

–*MoodMinder – An app that uses an enhanced GPS system, microwaves, servos and reco photographs to tell you what emotional state you’re in if you’re not sure.

–*Pandora Deluxe – An app that allows you to listen only to music by The Cowsills.

–*DonutCounter – An app that tells you how much time on Earth you’ve lost after eating that doughnut.

–*Plasma TV Money Watch – An app that tells you how much your plasma TV would be worth today in a parallel universe if you had spent the money responsibly instead.

–*OverPop! – An app that tells you how you personally are destroying ecological stability on the Earth just by being alive and consuming things.

–*Fetus Friender – An app that gives you first-person fetus narratives written by schizophrenics.

–*Shut UP! – An app that drowns out the other person on the phone and makes them shut the fuck up and listen for a god damned change.

–*The Edge – The Edge from U2 is wearing a microphone and you now get to listen to him play guitar, breathe, eat, snore and engage in painfully awkward small talk with fans 24/7.

–*Virtual Boyfriend – This app is the only boyfriend you have right now.

–*GooGoo Talk – This app talks to you like you’re a god damned baby, if that’s how you’re going to act.

–*No Speaka English! – This app changes all your phone settings to Kanji, Cyrillic and Sanskrit so that you have no idea what the fuck you are reading and you’re trapped in a world that’s foreign, alienating and hostile.

–*Pass Ag! – This app does nothing but give you an excuse to look at your BlackBerry so you don’t have to actually make eye contact with that person sitting across from you on the subway.

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–*We crashed the car

–*We walked into a manhole

–*We sucked the cat up into the vacuum cleaner

–*We drank from the bottle of Old English polisher instead of the glass of orange juice

–*We lost control of the New Jersey transit train and it jumped the tracks in Secaucus

–*We left the lens cap on the camera the whole time and didn’t capture most of Angelina Jolie’s Oscar-worthy performance

–*We weren’t paying attention during our calculus exam and failed to find the proper area under the curve using the integral

–*We weren’t paying attention while building a new dam and failed to find the proper area under the curve using the integral and killed thousands of Chinese peasants

–*We bought Merrill Lynch in our capacity as president of Bank of America and didn’t notice that it was so toxic with bad debt that it could eat a hole in the floor

–*We came

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(Originally posted Friday, February 06, 2009)

Gaithersburg, Kentucky (API) — Your semi-retarded boyfriend, Kyle Robillard believes you are having an affair after reading your cell phone spam, it was reported today.

Robillard, a semi-employed glass cutter who drives a 1972 Honda, earlier today read your cell phone messages, one of which said “Call me for free penis creme” and instantly assumed that it might be some ex-boyfriend you never talk about. Highly suspicious, Robillard then followed you to work in his Honda down Interstate 75 North toward Lexington, sat in line behind you at the drive-through bank, and stood outside while you went to check your post office box.

“Where the f*** are you going,” screamed Robillard, suddenly ambushing you near the Krispy Kreme. “Get in my car, bitch.”

Angry at this type of behavior, but also secretly flattered, you yelled “Screw you, I’m just going for latte. Screw you.”

“You’re a fuckin’ whore,” said Robillard. “Some guy’s writin’ you about his penis. You’re a fuckin’ liar.”

“Look how stupid you’re acting,” you said.

Robillard proceeded to kick the driver’s side door of his own car until the chrome body strips peeled off.

“We’re done,” Robillard said, to which you replied, “What a big baby.”

He then got in his car and drove off but came back and said he had all the proof he needed you were having an affair based on the long and intimate-sounding penis-creme spam you received.

“I got the proof you’re a whore,” Robillard said. “I got it right here in my hand.”

“Take me to court,” you screamed as you got in your own car. “You’re not the boss of me. Give me my cell phone back. You’re a spy and a crazy person.”

He then got back in his car and was about to drive it at you just to scare you when a police officer showed up and asked you if there was a problem.

“Fuckin’ whore is cheating,” said Robillard, who has several times flunked his high school diploma equivalency exam.

The officer, Dale Patchoughe of the Gaithersburg Police Department, asked if he could see the phone in question. After looking at it for a few moments, he quickly surmised that the cell phone message, which addressed you by name and which indeed seemed intimate, was actually “one of these spamming messages you get through the computer” and there was a very good chance you were not cheating on Robillard at all.

Robillard began to cry and say he was sorry, and Officer Patchoughe let him off with a warning. You then went up to Robillard, touched that he cared so much about you to follow you around.

Later that night, you and Robillard shared a romantic dinner at the same Krispy Kreme and had a big laugh.

“You big dodo,” you said to Robillard. “I love you.”

Robillard answered incoherently with half of a chocolate custard doughnut stuffed in his mouth.

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