Beauty is Imperfection

What new killer applications are available for download on your IPhone or Blackberry?

–*FoodZap – A new app that allows you to take a phone picture of a meal and tell if the food is South Beach Diet-friendly.

–*VirusGauge – An app that goes through your e-mail and tries to figure out which of your friends most likely has the H1N1 virus.

–*MidnightXPress It  – An app that tells you which Turkish prison you’re in.

–*Nixoner – An app that looks through your e-mail and tells you who your enemies are.

–*BombMe – An app that allows you to commit suicide by summoning a U.S. drone aircraft.

–*MoodMinder – An app that uses an enhanced GPS system, microwaves, servos and reco photographs to tell you what emotional state you’re in if you’re not sure.

–*Pandora Deluxe – An app that allows you to listen only to music by The Cowsills.

–*DonutCounter – An app that tells you how much time on Earth you’ve lost after eating that doughnut.

–*Plasma TV Money Watch – An app that tells you how much your plasma TV would be worth today in a parallel universe if you had spent the money responsibly instead.

–*OverPop! – An app that tells you how you personally are destroying ecological stability on the Earth just by being alive and consuming things.

–*Fetus Friender – An app that gives you first-person fetus narratives written by schizophrenics.

–*Shut UP! – An app that drowns out the other person on the phone and makes them shut the fuck up and listen for a god damned change.

–*The Edge – The Edge from U2 is wearing a microphone and you now get to listen to him play guitar, breathe, eat, snore and engage in painfully awkward small talk with fans 24/7.

–*Virtual Boyfriend – This app is the only boyfriend you have right now.

–*GooGoo Talk – This app talks to you like you’re a god damned baby, if that’s how you’re going to act.

–*No Speaka English! – This app changes all your phone settings to Kanji, Cyrillic and Sanskrit so that you have no idea what the fuck you are reading and you’re trapped in a world that’s foreign, alienating and hostile.

–*Pass Ag! – This app does nothing but give you an excuse to look at your BlackBerry so you don’t have to actually make eye contact with that person sitting across from you on the subway.