Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, February 06, 2009)

Gaithersburg, Kentucky (API) — Your semi-retarded boyfriend, Kyle Robillard believes you are having an affair after reading your cell phone spam, it was reported today.

Robillard, a semi-employed glass cutter who drives a 1972 Honda, earlier today read your cell phone messages, one of which said “Call me for free penis creme” and instantly assumed that it might be some ex-boyfriend you never talk about. Highly suspicious, Robillard then followed you to work in his Honda down Interstate 75 North toward Lexington, sat in line behind you at the drive-through bank, and stood outside while you went to check your post office box.

“Where the f*** are you going,” screamed Robillard, suddenly ambushing you near the Krispy Kreme. “Get in my car, bitch.”

Angry at this type of behavior, but also secretly flattered, you yelled “Screw you, I’m just going for latte. Screw you.”

“You’re a fuckin’ whore,” said Robillard. “Some guy’s writin’ you about his penis. You’re a fuckin’ liar.”

“Look how stupid you’re acting,” you said.

Robillard proceeded to kick the driver’s side door of his own car until the chrome body strips peeled off.

“We’re done,” Robillard said, to which you replied, “What a big baby.”

He then got in his car and drove off but came back and said he had all the proof he needed you were having an affair based on the long and intimate-sounding penis-creme spam you received.

“I got the proof you’re a whore,” Robillard said. “I got it right here in my hand.”

“Take me to court,” you screamed as you got in your own car. “You’re not the boss of me. Give me my cell phone back. You’re a spy and a crazy person.”

He then got back in his car and was about to drive it at you just to scare you when a police officer showed up and asked you if there was a problem.

“Fuckin’ whore is cheating,” said Robillard, who has several times flunked his high school diploma equivalency exam.

The officer, Dale Patchoughe of the Gaithersburg Police Department, asked if he could see the phone in question. After looking at it for a few moments, he quickly surmised that the cell phone message, which addressed you by name and which indeed seemed intimate, was actually “one of these spamming messages you get through the computer” and there was a very good chance you were not cheating on Robillard at all.

Robillard began to cry and say he was sorry, and Officer Patchoughe let him off with a warning. You then went up to Robillard, touched that he cared so much about you to follow you around.

Later that night, you and Robillard shared a romantic dinner at the same Krispy Kreme and had a big laugh.

“You big dodo,” you said to Robillard. “I love you.”

Robillard answered incoherently with half of a chocolate custard doughnut stuffed in his mouth.