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Posts Tagged ‘Reality TV’

Discovery Channel
Zoologists ask what birds would do with human arms. Answer: Just what humans do. Subjugate others.

Netflix
Watch these documentaries now before we find out their subjects committed multiple acts of sexual assault.

CNN
“Don Lemon Can’t Believe What He’s Hearing,” followed by “Anderson Cooper: Everything’s Ludicrous.”

HBO
“Entourage” now opens with a featurette by Susan Faludi that explains its historical context.

Fox News
Why Whites Wearing Surgical Masks Is Tyranny, While Stopping and Frisking Black People Is OK

Paramount Network
“Cops” opens with a featurette explaining its historical context two months ago.

MTV
“Catfish”: This love thing might be an illusion. Also, you’re dating someone online with a fake profile.

CNN Money
Love is an illusion but I’m forwarding my credit card numbers to a guy I met online anyway.

Bravo
The Manscapers of “Backyard Envy” really ought to be imagining this outdoor space as being full of quarantine tents.

Bravo
Are they really “The Real Housewives of Manhattan” if they have fled the pandemic and aren’t here to fill out their census forms for important tax and political redistricting purposes?

Bravo
The Real Housewives Remote After the After Show Show

Bravo
Cash Cab: If you stay in the cab, you can win $300 and expose someone in the service industry to a deadly pathogen.

Vh-1
Black Ink Compton Crew: If you can’t write something nice on your body, best not to write anything at all.

PBS
An old “Crossfire” featuring Mojo Nixon arguing with Pat Buchanan about dirty song lyrics makes us wistfully remember when the left wing liked freedom of speech.

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–*Setting our kids loose in balloons

–*Lying about setting our kids loose in balloons

–*Swapping our wives, lying about setting our kids loose in balloons

–*Becoming a prostitute (HBO only)

–*Becoming a prostitute but only for Hugh Hefner (E! Entertainment Television)

–*Beating up wife, hoping the crew from the TV show “Cops” shows up

–*Injecting ourselves with fertility drugs, having a shitload of extra babies

–*Injecting ourselves with fertility drugs, having a shitload of extra babies, browbeating passive-aggressive husband in front of TV crew and grocery store customers

–*Injecting ourselves with fertility drugs, having a shitload of extra babies, browbeating passive-aggressive husband, driving him to leave you, fighting a messy divorce in public, suing him, never minding that six of the eight extra babies have turned to street crime, heroin addiction and womanizing to replace the love that you’re not giving them

–*Blackmailing David Letterman

–*Selling diarrhea-making pirogues to tourists at the South Street Seaport for $12 a pop at the behest of Donald Trump

–*Trading off our celebrity of being in Van Halen for a month

–*Being a celebrity with herpes

–*Being a celebrity with herpes who was in Van Halen for a month

–*Giving a celebrity herpes

–*Eating bull penises

–*Growing our hair really big, getting a toxic brown tan, moving to New Jersey and making friends with a lot of horsy voiced bitches

–* … and eating bull penises

–* … and letting our kids fly away in home-made balloons

–*Pretty much sleeping with anyone, eating anything, getting pregnant by anyone, committing any sort of crime or doing just about whatever the producer asks us to do after we’ve signed our rights away in one-sided, exculpatory adhesion contracts.

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