–*Setting our kids loose in balloons
–*Lying about setting our kids loose in balloons
–*Swapping our wives, lying about setting our kids loose in balloons
–*Becoming a prostitute (HBO only)
–*Becoming a prostitute but only for Hugh Hefner (E! Entertainment Television)
–*Beating up wife, hoping the crew from the TV show “Cops” shows up
–*Injecting ourselves with fertility drugs, having a shitload of extra babies
–*Injecting ourselves with fertility drugs, having a shitload of extra babies, browbeating passive-aggressive husband in front of TV crew and grocery store customers
–*Injecting ourselves with fertility drugs, having a shitload of extra babies, browbeating passive-aggressive husband, driving him to leave you, fighting a messy divorce in public, suing him, never minding that six of the eight extra babies have turned to street crime, heroin addiction and womanizing to replace the love that you’re not giving them
–*Blackmailing David Letterman
–*Selling diarrhea-making pirogues to tourists at the South Street Seaport for $12 a pop at the behest of Donald Trump
–*Trading off our celebrity of being in Van Halen for a month
–*Being a celebrity with herpes
–*Being a celebrity with herpes who was in Van Halen for a month
–*Giving a celebrity herpes
–*Eating bull penises
–*Growing our hair really big, getting a toxic brown tan, moving to New Jersey and making friends with a lot of horsy voiced bitches
–* … and eating bull penises
–* … and letting our kids fly away in home-made balloons
–*Pretty much sleeping with anyone, eating anything, getting pregnant by anyone, committing any sort of crime or doing just about whatever the producer asks us to do after we’ve signed our rights away in one-sided, exculpatory adhesion contracts.
Beauty is Imperfection 
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