Posts Tagged ‘Angelina Jolie’

Totally shedding irony and calling it like he saw it, Golden Globes host Ricky Gervais slammed some of Hollywood’s biggest stars and the sponsor of Sunday’s gala awards show, the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, with vicious putdowns not to be taken with any sort of humor whatsoever.

“Johnny Depp is a no talent hack,” said Gervais, popping open a split of champagne and sitting down cross-legged on the stage with a big sandwich. “And Angelina Jolie is a whore. I suggest her next tattoo be a warning label.”

The Golden Globes audience and viewers at home were shocked and offended by Gervais’ scandalizing of Hollywood’s elite within minutes of the show’s opening, but he showed no signs of remorse, and in short order dispatched Christian Bale, Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Cher. He was especially harsh on Jolie and Depp, whose film “The Tourist” was, he said, “a waste of money, a film with no merit, the kind of thing a dung beetle would roll away on its hind legs if it could. Not even chemotherapy could put this film in remission.”

“Cher’s old and has got no brains,” continued Gervais. “Don’t get me started on Brad Pitt. He is not talented and should be giving blowjobs in a Santa Fe rest stop to crystal meth addled truck drivers.”

“Steve Carell is a horrible blighted egg sack,” said Gervais. “I invented ‘The Office.'”

Sensing that the audience had begun to turn against him but showing no remorse, Gervais turned and bit the hand that fed him, attacking the Hollywood Foreign Press Association.

“If you weren’t standing next to celebrities or throwing them dog and pony shows, there would be nothing to get you between your doses of Paxil. I spit on you people.”

Some wondered about the judgment of the Foreign Press Association hiring a well-known obstreperous comedian known for his scathing attacks on art, ethics, politesse and common decency and the concept of God as a real person. They seemed to be surprised that he took very seriously his assignment to dispatch the formality of the stuff shirt event by turning into a mean-spirited prick.

“I would kill every one of you with a ball peen hammer. Robert Downey, Jr.–everybody knows he’s on crack. Charlie Sheen is a well-known frequenter of prostitutes. His new girlfriend is famous for doing anal porno films. No, I have no follow-up punchline. The ignominy and awfulness of it speaks for itself, like this awards show.”

Gervais ended the evening by thanking everyone for being good sports, and by that he meant, “You’ve got hired help to kiss your ass. I’m not going to do it.” He then said he was an atheist and recommended that people see “The Social Network,” which was actually a pretty good film.

“Every once in a while, Hollywood accidentally makes one,” he concluded.

Bruce Willis was philosophical about the night.

“I guess this fooferaw is going to be in the paper tomorrow because you’ve got nothing better to write about like warfare and poverty. Maybe Gervais is right. Maybe journalists are pieces of shit.”

The Golden Globes traditionally has no host. It is also traditionally considered a joke.

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Farfalle, Wisconsin (API) A bus full of high school marching band students flipped over last Sunday night on the southbound Fremont Interchange after smashing into an SUV carrying a family of four, an accident that caused serious injuries to five of the students and three family members and tied up traffic for hours.

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Highway Patrol Sgt. Dan Meeder said that at 9 p.m. on Saturday, the busload of students from Tottenville were returning from an intramural marching competition when the bus driver noticed that the SUV had crossed into his lane and immediately began to skid until finally one of the tires blew off the vehicle.

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According to witnesses, the driver of the SUV, 48-year-old Daryl Mishengoss of Pearl Lagoon, was carrying his family back from a wedding when he began to drift into the lane of the bus, weaving first into the shoulder and then back across the lane a number of times before the bus driver, Sammy Pyle of Farfalle, swerved to avoid an accident, at which point he lost sight of the white stripes of the median and the bus flipped into a roll.

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After that, witnesses gave conflicting accounts of the ensuring crash. One motorist said that Mishengoss and his family were likely distracted by the multiple media players they were operating in the SUV, including a video monitor that was playing a movie.

See why Angelina Jolie is the biggest movie star on the planet.

However, several of the parents of band members at the Tri-State Band Meet said that bus driver might well have become slightly intoxicated at the event and that, although the SUV was in the wrong lane, Pyle’s vision might have been slightly impaired and his reflexes dulled by a higher-than-normal blood-alcohol level.

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Sgt. Meeder said that he could not confirm whether Pyle had been intoxicated and declined to reveal the results of a Breathalyzer test.

You know who else has to pucker? Feeding infants! Here are pictures of Angelina Jolie nursing a baby.

Another officer, Dan Hernandez of Wickenham, said that despite the human error, there were other factors at play, including a faulty guardrail and several pot holes in the road. Hernandez said that this particular stretch of road is long overdue for highway repairs but has been a casualty of budget cuts for infrastructure amid economic malaise.

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“I think that this is going to bring a lot of attention to how badly this stretch of road has become,” said Hernandez. “It’s probably one of the most dangerous roads in the state.”

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“I’m always afraid I’m going to get in a serious accident here,” said Raoul Ortega, a house builder who lives part time in the U.S. and part time in Colombia.

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Most of the injuries were lacerations from broken glass …

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… which was showered all over the road.

Angelina Jolie to perform in sexy shower scene with Johnny Depp.

Many teenage passengers from the bus lay bleeding on the road.

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Many travelers trying to get home for the night had to wait for hours while the police removed damaged vehicles from the scene. Some even left their cars and stood talking while a bottleneck half a mile long grew down the road.

“It’s a real pain, but what can you do?” said Martin Rosenweig of Tottenville.

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Or if you’re a brand new driver, how about Texting Devices for Teens.

Or how about simple masturbation?

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–*Finishing the roof

–*Waxing the car

–*Getting a bikini wax

–*This really great pop song written for our favorite Ukrainian restaurant in Greenwich Village, Veselka.

–*How we just can’t enjoy this sexual act when the United States is going to socialist hell.

–*How for a minute there during foreplay we thought we had almost grasped Kurt Godel’s incompleteness theorem of formal mathematics.

–*Wittgenstein’s concept of language games

–*Your mother-in-law’s concept of language games

–*Chang and Eng and how weird their sex must have been

–*Why does our cat get upset when we do oral?

–*The perfect ending to our 1,000 page novel.

–*Shit! I forgot to get a baby shower present!

–*Shit! I forgot to brush my teeth!

–*Shit! I forgot to scrub with Purell.

–*Angelina Jolie

–*Brad Pitt

–*Obama Girl


–*”I wonder if Sigmund and the Sea Monsters is on DVD?”

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(Originally posted Friday, March 20, 2009)

From: Michael Gooch, 15 years old, Junior High School Student, Mena, Arkansas
To: Jennifer Aniston, actress, movie star
Re: Idealism and Disillusionment

Dear Jennifer Aniston,

I’m writing because I, like you, have faced some pretty rocky times in my life. I’ve gotten some pretty bad grades. My dad’s out of work. My older sister is having her second baby out of wedlock. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

But then I look at you. Every time I pick up a copy of this week’s Us Magazine or People or In Style, what I read makes me horribly sick. It seems that these people won’t leave you alone. Every day they want to know the status of your relationship with John Mayer. Or how you feel about your ex-husband Brad Pitt and his great betrayal with Oscar winner and much-lauded humanitarian Angelina Jolie. I fret endlessly over these horrible factoids and pieces of gossip and all the jealousy that feeds it. And it occurs to me you at this late date, as you get older and likely more tired of the rampant tabloid speculation, that something horrible might be happening to you: that you may be losing your idealism.

I cannot let this happen, Jennifer Aniston.

I look at people everywhere suffering. They’ve been laid off. They’ve had their savings wiped out. They’re reeling from war and poverty. They are sick of corruption on Wall Street and in our nation’s capital. They see congressmen adding tons of earmarks to our nation’s necessary spending bills, and thus they lose interest in participatory government. They shudder and slump over at the sight of high food prices due to rampant inflation of commodity inputs. They see the price of education skyrocketing at three times inflation so that they can’t possibly imagine their children doing better than they did.

As for myself, I feel like I’m strong enough myself to weather these cataclysms. I take vitamins and I try to read self-help books. I see a high school guidance counselor once a week. I go to church on Sundays and Wednesdays. I say to myself every day that I’m a good person and I can take whatever the world has to dish out. I have a t-shirt that says “It’s not my business what other people think of me.” And it isn’t!

But what makes me cold is thinking of what all of these political and environmental and spiritual upheavals might be doing to you, Jennifer Aniston. It must be rending your soul to be in a roller-coaster romance with a posturing musician who seems to be greatly ambivalent about the string of hot blondes he’s dating. It must tear out your heart to hear the yellow journalists talk about your septoplasties. It must kill you to have your mother write a book about you for a substantial profit. It must make you want to plunge needles into your eyes whenever you read another article about how you’re either pregnant or gaining water weight. That’s not to mention the great existential despair you must feel when you find out how much AIG is getting in bonuses with your tax money.

The world is a hard place. I have 15 hard years to prove it. But when you’re young, you think anything is possible and you can change things for the better. Hope is a resource, and it must spring eternal, something my friends at Jenny Craig and I remind ourselves often.

What I can’t stand under any circumstances, though, is the idea that you, Jennifer Aniston, with all your talents and beauty and brains and charmed life and millions of dollars of net worth, might for one minute start to have doubt. Spiritual doubt. Philosophical doubt. Sometimes it comes through when I’m reading an interview with you: your world-weariness. The devastation you feel at personal betrayal and life’s ceaseless unfairness. The pages of Vogue practically ache and sag with your personal sorrow.

This isn’t something I can abide by. Not from the woman who played Rachel and finally got her Ross. Not from the woman whose helmet hairstyle made us all want to be her boyfriend. Not from the woman whose saint-like quality in “The Good Girl” allowed us to overlook the fact that she was playing a total slut.

If you became jaded, I don’t know what I would do. If I thought for an instant you had lost your faith in a better world, I don’t know if I myself could keep going. Sometimes I’m so torn up about the idea that you might be losing hope that I can’t do my math homework or take my insulin.

I have lots of advice for you. You have to always remember the good things about people. Even those horrible tabloid reporters and naysayers. They don’t know what they do. You’re better than they are. You are golden and perfect, even with your oft-repaired deviated septum. You have to exercise at least twice a week and try to remind yourself before you go to bed every night what good thing you did that day, even if it was just giving somebody a kind word or getting some back-end syndication money for a television appearance. You just have to pat yourself on the back once in a while like that. Also, rather than focus on the destructive capacities in mankind, think of those people who pursued goodness for its own sake: Oskar Schindler. John Rabe. Mother Teresa. Meryl Streep.

There is badness in the world, Jennifer Aniston, but to find hope, we just have to look within ourselves. If I may quote Michael Jackson, we must start with the Man in the Mirror.

Maybe you know all this or maybe you don’t, but if you didn’t, it occurred to me today that maybe somebody could save you from cynicism. If that person was me, then you don’t have to tell me. Just think of me from time to time and maybe send me an autographed picture.

Michael Gooch

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(Originally posted Monday, February 16, 2009)

Los Angeles, Calif. (API) Now that she has finished using him for mating purposes, Oscar-winner Angelina Jolie has begun consuming film star Brad Pitt, the father of her children, it was reported Thursday. The couple’s last two children were born in July 2008, and following a hectic season of movie releases, Jolie began the oft-observed natural phenomenon of sexual cannibalism that brought a swift end to Pitt’s life and career.

Jolie, the internationally renowned film star, multiple-Golden Globe winner and goodwill ambassador to the U.N. Refugee Agency, started eating Pitt, star of 2008’s The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, sometime last week on the couple’s giant bed, and it is not certain whether she has quite finished gorging on him.

“It’s a sad day,” said Pitt’s friend George Clooney. “But that’s the miracle of life. It happens.”

Pitt and Jolie first encountered each other on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith in 2005, sparking an international scandal when tabloid rumors swirled that she had broken up Pitt’s marriage to Jennifer Aniston. Jolie soon became pregnant with Pitt’s child, Shiloh Nouvel-Jolie Pitt, and Pitt has since sired two other biological children by Jolie, the twins Knox and Vivienne, which they’ve added to a brood of three other adopted children, Maddox, Pax and Zahara.

“This is true Hollywood royalty, and a truly new kind of American family,” said former Vanity Fair Tina Brown. “It was sad that it had to end this way, but nature took its course, and we humbly regard its mysteries.”

Susan Sarandon, Pitt’s co-star in Thelma & Louise, remembered him as a dynamic movie star whose presence and sexual charisma were so appealing, she joked, that he could arouse the mating instincts of almost anybody–no matter what their gender, sexual persuasion, breed, order, class or phylum.

“He was one of the bright lights of our industry,” said Julia Roberts. “I can’t tell you what a loss this is. But of course, he knew what he was doing.”

Sexual cannibalism is often found in cases of sexual dimorphism, when the female is much larger than the male. Biologists have noted that there are many reproductive advantages to the behavior, such as the female’s ability to root out inferior DNA by eating males before reproduction, and of course the male’s nutritional value, which can lead to a more rugged brood.

Jolie has been married to two other mates, Billy Bob Thornton and Jonny Lee Miller, but many observers said that these men were inferior specimens who were unable to supply Jolie with the superior genetic material she required. Neither man was consumed by Jolie.

“I guess I dodged a bullet there,” said Thornton. “Really, I wish Angie all the best.”

Pitt, an Oklahoma native, rose to meteoric international fame with the films A River Runs Through It, Legends of the Fall, Interview With the Vampire, Seven and 12 Monkeys.

Jolie, who at first tried to downplay their affair on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith, eventually admitted that she had immediately seen Pitt’s biological advantages, his statuesque features, his strong square jaw, high forehead, facial symmetry, erect posture and good waist-to-shoulder ratio.

“And of course People magazine said he was the sexiest man alive, which confirmed these genetic traits,” said Jolie. “It was fairly clear we would mate.”

Jolie, star of Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, is one of the highest paid actresses in Hollywood, and she’s now up for another Academy Award for best actress for her role in The Changeling. She will likely accept the award for Pitt if he wins the Oscar for Benjamin Button, though she was still unavailable for comment while she finished eating the father of her children. In advance of the Oscar presentation, it is likely she is incubating many eggs now, say scientists, though it is unclear how many of them will survive the first molt.

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