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Posts Tagged ‘Joe Biden’

–*If you apologize to an old lady for running her over with a car, you are apologizing for American values.

–*If you’re going to do the necessary job of cutting military spending, it’s better to do it from the labyrinthine offices of a giant bicameral building where nobody can see you, so you can blame the person who signed your cuts. That’s much better than sitting in such an easily recognizable big “white house” which will attract attention and scorn.

–*Joe Biden did not support the Iraq War. We invite you to go to the Congressional Record and unlearn that now.

–*Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan agrees with the Obama administration’s policy of sending no troops to Syria. But it is indefensible that in doing so, Obama has not yet called the French-controlled U.N. a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

–*Paul Ryan wants to cut loopholes for the rich. By “loophole,” he’s using the Webster’s definition–a small opening through which a firearm can be fired, most likely at the poor people coming to steal the rich person’s food.

–*Paul Ryan does not believe you can separate religion from politics, a point of view that places him squarely in the tradition of other Ottoman sultans.

–*We learned from Paul Ryan that unemployment continues to go up and Lindsay Lohan is currently dating Samantha Ronson.

–*Paul Ryan says that Barack Obama’s intelligence failures on Sept. 11 were indefensible. He will not clarify which September 11.

–*Joe Biden’s continued laughing is highly distracting to many viewers, who insist it was disrespectful right at the point they were just getting mesmerized into non-critical thinking.

–*Moderator Martha Raddatz kept the candidates’ feet to the fire, especially when she called upon them to bravely make obeisance to a sky god.

–*Iran is a rogue nation and theocracy on the verge of gaining nuclear weapons. Obama has tried to introduce sanctions, but according to Ryan, that’s not fast enough. The sanctions must be faster than a centrifuge, Ryan says.  We’re talking 1065 hertz!

–*Obama might have been introducing worms and using other covert methods to sabotage Iran’s nuclear program and cripple it, but according to Ryan, the Obama administration has no credibility with the Iranians. When asked to define credibility, Ryan says it is not about bombing or threatening invasion or killing scientists … no “credibility” is just too difficult to explain and he will fill in the details later when he is vice president.

–*We’ve had 8% unemployment since January 2009. Most economists would see that as a lagging indicator of a credit-spurred recession. But that’s a long sentence. “Obamacare” is much shorter and easier to say.

–*Actually now unemployment is 7.8%, which just doesn’t have as much polemical magic as August’s figures did. Shit.

–*We learned that when the going gets tough, Joe Biden can come out and give the fight of Barack Obama’s life.

–*Paul Ryan plans to cut the same amount of Medicare as the Obama administration. But at least it won’t be rationed. It will just be gone. And you can take that to the bank.

–*Reviewers were relieved that, in this post-racial world, two filthy Irishmen can now have a spirited argument in public.

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Backhanded Compliments Given By The Presidential Candidates To Their Opponents

Barack Obama: “Speaks well and is clean and well groomed and eats with a fork.”

Hillary Clinton: “She certainly does swing a big dick.”

John Edwards: “Cares a lot about the people in the ambulances he is chasing.”

Mike Huckabee: “He’s a very good, caring, altruistic, moral Christian woman.”

Bill Richardson: “He’s undoubtedly Hispanic.”

John McCain: “He’s probably the most moderate, level-headed guy you could expect him to be for someone who was tortured in the Hanoi Hilton for several years.”

Rudy Guiliani: “He was undoubtedly the mayor of New York City on Sept. 11.”

Mitt Romney: “He is probably the hardest working, most sensible and best looking member of the Mormon Cult we have ever seen.”

Ron Paul: “His message of wanting to dismantle the government is certainly appealing to a lot of wildly passionate, iconoclastic, luddite secessionists.”

Dennis Kucinich: “It’s certainly inspiring that a poor, short socialist from Ohio can marry a tall, hot British redhead with a tongue stud.”

Fred Thompson: “A slow, shambling, macho, country lawyer type, he is one of the best character actors we have. And he plays fictional roles, too.”

Alan Keyes: “He serves a very important role in the Republican Party that I don’t think, for the sake of politeness, any one of us has to say out loud.”

Mike Gravel: “He has certainly managed to keep his name on the list of candidates.”

Duncan Hunter: “He is probably the luckiest candidate, because absolutely nobody knows who he is.”

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