Posts Tagged ‘Huckabee’

(Originally posted Sunday, January 13, 2008 )

Backhanded Compliments Given By The Presidential Candidates To Their Opponents

Barack Obama: “Speaks well and is clean and well groomed and eats with a fork.”

Hillary Clinton: “She certainly does swing a big dick.”

John Edwards: “Cares a lot about the people in the ambulances he is chasing.”

Mike Huckabee: “He’s a very good, caring, altruistic, moral Christian woman.”

Bill Richardson: “He’s undoubtedly Hispanic.”

John McCain: “He’s probably the most moderate, level-headed guy you could expect him to be for someone who was tortured in the Hanoi Hilton for several years.”

Rudy Guiliani: “He was undoubtedly the mayor of New York City on Sept. 11.”

Mitt Romney: “He is probably the hardest working, most sensible and best looking member of the Mormon Cult we have ever seen.”

Ron Paul: “His message of wanting to dismantle the government is certainly appealing to a lot of wildly passionate, iconoclastic, luddite secessionists.”

Dennis Kucinich: “It’s certainly inspiring that a poor, short socialist from Ohio can marry a tall, hot British redhead with a tongue stud.”

Fred Thompson: “A slow, shambling, macho, country lawyer type, he is one of the best character actors we have. And he plays fictional roles, too.”

Alan Keyes: “He serves a very important role in the Republican Party that I don’t think, for the sake of politeness, any one of us has to say out loud.”

Mike Gravel: “He has certainly managed to keep his name on the list of candidates.”

Duncan Hunter: “He is probably the luckiest candidate, because absolutely nobody knows who he is.”

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 03, 2008 )

A WGA screenwriter in Buda, Texas walks alone holding a placard through the middle of town, across the street from the pie shop, in lieu of another “Without a Trace” repeat.

The “all cancer patient” version of “The Apprentice” (Repeat)

7 A&E
All our shows tonight will start with a decomposed body (Repeat)

9 Bravo
Brady Hunt (repeat)

10 VH-1
“Will It Blend?” and “America’s Next Top Model” Are Combined Into a Highly Satisfying Reality Series

11 Lifetime
Sad, mealy mouth female nerds honor all-powerful TV icon Xena, who unknowingly serves as an symbol of their inability to express themselves in day-to-day life

12 E! Entertainment Television
True Hollywood Story Investigates the Shattering Drama of Rock Stars with Crohn’s Disease and Psoriasis

13 History Channel
Anarchists, Communists and Terrorists Remembered For Their Scapegoating Usefulness As Our Celebration of Two Centuries of American Imperialism Continues

In the midst of a discussion of the discount trade window, Jim Cramer goes on an extended digression about his sexual prowess, finally screaming “I could cock block half the men in this city from this tiny TV screen.”

15 Showtime
Passive-Aggressive Suicide Girls Versus Bipolar Suicide Girls Dance-Off

16 MTV
A stripper would really take this show to the next level.

17 HBO
Wait, is that … no, not “The Sopranos.” Damn.

18 Logo
Eddie Murphy explains gay sex in a compassionate and thoughtful lecture.

19 CMT
Trick My Planned Parenthood Clinic

20 Spike TV
Extreme Tattoo Removal

21 We
End That Awful Marriage, Now!

22 Disney Family
That Mother Fucking Cat

23 PBS
In a continuing series of educational specials, Sesame Street’s lovable Elmo explains in easy to understand language how to potty, tie your shoes, wash your hands, masturbate, kill your own meat, cut open somebody’s trachea, perform a foreign body retrieval, hotwire a car, cheat on your SAT, build a roadside plastic explosive with nails, sheet metal and other debris, engage in homosexual lovemaking, perform euthanasia on an ailing loved one, deliver a bloody foal, and escape to Cuba.

24 CNN
Extra Cute Mike Huckabee Wins the Highly Amusing Iowa Caucuses

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(Originally posted Sunday, December 23, 2007)

Floss Naked

My Child Goes To School At Ritalin High!

My Other Wife Is A Mormon

I (Heart) The New York Jets

Nature Hates Us. Give Me More Gas.

War! It Pays For Itself.

I (Heart) Andy Rooney

If You’re Back There, Bambi, I’m Sorry

I (Heart) Huckabee’s Evolution Theory

Women Don’t F (Heart) Until You Marry Them

We’re At War! Re-Elect Bush!

I Brake For Gluten

A World of Wanted Deadheads Would Make a World of Difference

Follow Me To Baghdad

Flint Is For Lovers

Visualize Unfettered Carnage

Lesbian Until Graduation

Follow Oprah

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