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Posts Tagged ‘Iran’

–*The death toll is either in the hundreds or in the low tens.

–*At least two bombs went off, though we can’t discount that one of the building echoes might have been a third or a fourth bombing.

–*Several Saudi nationals were taken into custody.

–*These Saudi nationals were then booked, tried, convicted and hanged after a speedy jury trial by day’s end.

–*The chief suspect is Mohamed Atta.

–*Marathons were invented by the Egyptians.

–*Boston is located in the great state of New Hampshire.

–*Every foreigner who fled the scene of the blast is a suspect. Only foreigners who ran toward the blast are in the clear.

–*Abe Vigoda is dead.

–*It wasn’t a bombing, it was just a fallen scaffolding.

–*It wasn’t really tax day, since you can always file an extension.

–*The Boston police cannot determine at this time if they have arrested a suspect.

–*The Boston police have been holding a mysterious man in an iron mask for 34 years who is thought to be President Obama’s twin brother, the man who can prove Obama was born in Kenya.

–*A conflagration later reported at the JFK Library was reported, but it was uncertain whether the event was a mechanical fire, an explosion, or just readers’ passion for books.

–*The New York Post‘s source is a woman named Lennay Kekua and The New York Post deeply loves her and believes she is The New York Post‘s soul mate.

–*Mahmoud Ahmadinejad likely factors into this story somewhere;  The New York Post is just trying to find the right paragraph to stick him in.

–*Test X180 with fenugreek extract and ginseng will improve your performance on and off the field.

–*According to Boston police, Ronald Reagan’s sunny optimism allowed America to feel good about itself again.

 

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–*If you apologize to an old lady for running her over with a car, you are apologizing for American values.

–*If you’re going to do the necessary job of cutting military spending, it’s better to do it from the labyrinthine offices of a giant bicameral building where nobody can see you, so you can blame the person who signed your cuts. That’s much better than sitting in such an easily recognizable big “white house” which will attract attention and scorn.

–*Joe Biden did not support the Iraq War. We invite you to go to the Congressional Record and unlearn that now.

–*Vice Presidential Candidate Paul Ryan agrees with the Obama administration’s policy of sending no troops to Syria. But it is indefensible that in doing so, Obama has not yet called the French-controlled U.N. a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys.

–*Paul Ryan wants to cut loopholes for the rich. By “loophole,” he’s using the Webster’s definition–a small opening through which a firearm can be fired, most likely at the poor people coming to steal the rich person’s food.

–*Paul Ryan does not believe you can separate religion from politics, a point of view that places him squarely in the tradition of other Ottoman sultans.

–*We learned from Paul Ryan that unemployment continues to go up and Lindsay Lohan is currently dating Samantha Ronson.

–*Paul Ryan says that Barack Obama’s intelligence failures on Sept. 11 were indefensible. He will not clarify which September 11.

–*Joe Biden’s continued laughing is highly distracting to many viewers, who insist it was disrespectful right at the point they were just getting mesmerized into non-critical thinking.

–*Moderator Martha Raddatz kept the candidates’ feet to the fire, especially when she called upon them to bravely make obeisance to a sky god.

–*Iran is a rogue nation and theocracy on the verge of gaining nuclear weapons. Obama has tried to introduce sanctions, but according to Ryan, that’s not fast enough. The sanctions must be faster than a centrifuge, Ryan says.  We’re talking 1065 hertz!

–*Obama might have been introducing worms and using other covert methods to sabotage Iran’s nuclear program and cripple it, but according to Ryan, the Obama administration has no credibility with the Iranians. When asked to define credibility, Ryan says it is not about bombing or threatening invasion or killing scientists … no “credibility” is just too difficult to explain and he will fill in the details later when he is vice president.

–*We’ve had 8% unemployment since January 2009. Most economists would see that as a lagging indicator of a credit-spurred recession. But that’s a long sentence. “Obamacare” is much shorter and easier to say.

–*Actually now unemployment is 7.8%, which just doesn’t have as much polemical magic as August’s figures did. Shit.

–*We learned that when the going gets tough, Joe Biden can come out and give the fight of Barack Obama’s life.

–*Paul Ryan plans to cut the same amount of Medicare as the Obama administration. But at least it won’t be rationed. It will just be gone. And you can take that to the bank.

–*Reviewers were relieved that, in this post-racial world, two filthy Irishmen can now have a spirited argument in public.

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