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Posts Tagged ‘New York Post’

–*The death toll is either in the hundreds or in the low tens.

–*At least two bombs went off, though we can’t discount that one of the building echoes might have been a third or a fourth bombing.

–*Several Saudi nationals were taken into custody.

–*These Saudi nationals were then booked, tried, convicted and hanged after a speedy jury trial by day’s end.

–*The chief suspect is Mohamed Atta.

–*Marathons were invented by the Egyptians.

–*Boston is located in the great state of New Hampshire.

–*Every foreigner who fled the scene of the blast is a suspect. Only foreigners who ran toward the blast are in the clear.

–*Abe Vigoda is dead.

–*It wasn’t a bombing, it was just a fallen scaffolding.

–*It wasn’t really tax day, since you can always file an extension.

–*The Boston police cannot determine at this time if they have arrested a suspect.

–*The Boston police have been holding a mysterious man in an iron mask for 34 years who is thought to be President Obama’s twin brother, the man who can prove Obama was born in Kenya.

–*A conflagration later reported at the JFK Library was reported, but it was uncertain whether the event was a mechanical fire, an explosion, or just readers’ passion for books.

–*The New York Post‘s source is a woman named Lennay Kekua and The New York Post deeply loves her and believes she is The New York Post‘s soul mate.

–*Mahmoud Ahmadinejad likely factors into this story somewhere;  The New York Post is just trying to find the right paragraph to stick him in.

–*Test X180 with fenugreek extract and ginseng will improve your performance on and off the field.

–*According to Boston police, Ronald Reagan’s sunny optimism allowed America to feel good about itself again.

 

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Ashley Dupre, the one-time call girl whose tryst with former New York governor Eliot Spitzer brought about his stunning downfall, has recently taken a position as a New York Post advice columnist, claiming that she’s in a unique position to teach people using the examples of her own mistakes in life. What are some of the insights she has to offer?

–*”Remember, a man and a woman have to establish trust early in a relationship. Make sure he puts the money on the dresser before he gets into bed.”

–*”A girl always has to use good judgment and not engage in unsafe activity. So whenever a man wants to have sex without a condom, make sure beforehand he’s a powerful public figure.”

–*”Sometimes girls have to act out, especially if they had a very repressed childhood. If you have repressive parents and live in New Jersey, you might consider disposing of them.”

–*”Remember, when a guy promises you the world, he probably just wants to get into your pants. Don’t fall for this trick unless he’s from England or Italy.”

–*”Nothing should come between you and your dreams, especially not the Mann Act.”

–*”Young women in their teens often haven’t developed an identity yet. If you don’t know who you are, keep changing your name until you find out. You or the cops.”

–*”Even if you’re with a guy who’s taken on giant industries like mutual funds, insurance and banking, you can’t be intimidated by him. Just remind yourself—you’re the one with the vagina. Without it, Mr. “I successfully sued AIG” doesn’t even rate a 2. Not to a vagina-having girl like yourself.”

–*”Even if you don’t always feel like the prettiest girl in the class, just remember that every girl is pretty when she’s naked in a Girls Gone Wild video.”

–*”A lot of girls dream of making it big in the music industry, but don’t know how to create an audience. I recommend being at the center of a major political sex scandal.”

–*A guy has to respect you first if he’s going to put you in a blindfold and order you to pick up the money.

–*”Sometimes a girl gets in way over her head with booze, drugs, sex, gambling, porn, prostitution, masturbation, gas huffing, day trading … I don’t remember where I was going with this.”

–*”Lead paint remediation is no laughing matter.”

–*”Moms can be very protective. If your mom thinks you’re dressing too provocatively, try telling her to back the fuck off.”

–*”Christmas is a time for giving. Why not get him a whore?”

–*”The road to riches and fortune is not easy. It’s paved with a lot of cock.”



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