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Posts Tagged ‘Ashley Dupre’

Ashley Dupre, the one-time call girl whose tryst with former New York governor Eliot Spitzer brought about his stunning downfall, has recently taken a position as a New York Post advice columnist, claiming that she’s in a unique position to teach people using the examples of her own mistakes in life. What are some of the insights she has to offer?

–*”Remember, a man and a woman have to establish trust early in a relationship. Make sure he puts the money on the dresser before he gets into bed.”

–*”A girl always has to use good judgment and not engage in unsafe activity. So whenever a man wants to have sex without a condom, make sure beforehand he’s a powerful public figure.”

–*”Sometimes girls have to act out, especially if they had a very repressed childhood. If you have repressive parents and live in New Jersey, you might consider disposing of them.”

–*”Remember, when a guy promises you the world, he probably just wants to get into your pants. Don’t fall for this trick unless he’s from England or Italy.”

–*”Nothing should come between you and your dreams, especially not the Mann Act.”

–*”Young women in their teens often haven’t developed an identity yet. If you don’t know who you are, keep changing your name until you find out. You or the cops.”

–*”Even if you’re with a guy who’s taken on giant industries like mutual funds, insurance and banking, you can’t be intimidated by him. Just remind yourself—you’re the one with the vagina. Without it, Mr. “I successfully sued AIG” doesn’t even rate a 2. Not to a vagina-having girl like yourself.”

–*”Even if you don’t always feel like the prettiest girl in the class, just remember that every girl is pretty when she’s naked in a Girls Gone Wild video.”

–*”A lot of girls dream of making it big in the music industry, but don’t know how to create an audience. I recommend being at the center of a major political sex scandal.”

–*A guy has to respect you first if he’s going to put you in a blindfold and order you to pick up the money.

–*”Sometimes a girl gets in way over her head with booze, drugs, sex, gambling, porn, prostitution, masturbation, gas huffing, day trading … I don’t remember where I was going with this.”

–*”Lead paint remediation is no laughing matter.”

–*”Moms can be very protective. If your mom thinks you’re dressing too provocatively, try telling her to back the fuck off.”

–*”Christmas is a time for giving. Why not get him a whore?”

–*”The road to riches and fortune is not easy. It’s paved with a lot of cock.”



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(Originally posted Tuesday, March 25, 2008 )

2 CBS
In the series finale of the canceled show “Jericho,” the angry producers end the story with the former United States being completely overrun by a sea of Islamic hordes on horseback, and Osama bin Laden feeds his beast of burden oats on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, using the Constitution as his own personal toilet paper.

4 NBC
“Medium”: “Allison, I understand you can read minds. Can you read my mind now, Allison?: Fuck you, that’s what I’m thinking, Allison.”

5 ABC
“The Bachelor–London”: ‘Tis Pity She’s a ‘Bachelor’ Contestant

10 CNN
Cross-eyed ex-hookers still waiting outside hopefully, just in case somebody wants to, I don’t know, talk with them about the Eliot Spitzer case again. Or about the sex business in general. Or anything else. C’mon, let us in! It’s freezing out here!

13 PBS
Charlie Rose: Old, heterosexual, rich, white men distraught over the passing of William F. Buckley. “He was our Martin Luther King,” cry distraught, effete, wealthy Caucasians.

15 Animal Planet
What do chimps fantasize about when they masturbate? That’s right! Pamela Anderson!

16 Disney
That’s So Adolf!

17 CW
You know, they have a name for “Gossip Girl” in prison, Serena, it’s called “Snitch Bitch.”

18 CNN Financial
A single share of the dismantled financial giant Bear Stearns now costs less than the one-piece “a la carte” meal at Kentucky Fried Chicken

20 E! Entertainment Network
Jar Jar Binks: The E True Hollywood Story

38 Fox News
John McCain loses whatever credibility he had left by letting idiot Mongoloid man-child Sean Hannity put words in his mouth for an hour while he shakes like a neutered Spanish Civil War concussion victim.

38 Fox News
Bill O’Reilly wants to know everything about this golden shower business. And don’t lie to him or spare him any detail–this is the no-spin zone, damn it!

39 Oxygen
We’ve realized that we can now strike the greatest blow for women by airing numerous cat fight shows.

40 Lifetime
Movie: It involves a mother, a daughter, drugs and a pimp. You can fill in the rest, even if you don’t have any imagination whatsoever.

40 Lifetime
Movie: ” ‘I Am Not a Moron’: The True Story of Eliot Spitzer Call Girl Ashley Dupre,” a Lifetime movie event starring Mischa Barton

41 History
“The Prophecies of Nostadamus, Part IV”: Nostradamus predicts that tonight he will eat a lean, tasty dish of mutton.

42 HBO
“The Wire”: The cancellation of this seedy tale destroys Baltimore tourism, as those excited to come and visit its densely packed, crack cocaine-infested streets will now likely spend their tourism dollars elsewhere — in places such as Newark and Detroit.

43 Hallmark
I knew that if I looked through 1,500 channels, I could find “Matlock” somewhere

44 ESPN
“American Gladiators”: A few lions and Christians would take this show to the next level.

45 Discovery Health
“Dwarf Family Revisited”: A dwarf family wants to explode all the myths about little people. Except the one about how they are ravenously oversexed.

46 Ovation
David Hartman gives long, tedious lecture about Restoration theater that might be more interesting if it had a few extra plunging bodices

56 Independent Film Channel
Pedro Almodovar’s most recent necrophilia movies are just getting too sentimental for me

57 Turner Movie Classics
Charlie Chaplin: Hamming it up and violating interstate white slavery laws.

58 Crosswalk
“Democracy Now”: In a cruel, ironic “No Exit” kind of existential hell, left-wing journalist Amy Goodman realizes she’s going to have to ride out the rest of her life contending with idiot mouth-breathing 9-11 conspiracy theorists, kind of like a baby-sitter for adults.

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