Posts Tagged ‘Sean Hannity’

(Originally posted Tuesday, March 25, 2008 )

In the series finale of the canceled show “Jericho,” the angry producers end the story with the former United States being completely overrun by a sea of Islamic hordes on horseback, and Osama bin Laden feeds his beast of burden oats on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, using the Constitution as his own personal toilet paper.

“Medium”: “Allison, I understand you can read minds. Can you read my mind now, Allison?: Fuck you, that’s what I’m thinking, Allison.”

“The Bachelor–London”: ‘Tis Pity She’s a ‘Bachelor’ Contestant

10 CNN
Cross-eyed ex-hookers still waiting outside hopefully, just in case somebody wants to, I don’t know, talk with them about the Eliot Spitzer case again. Or about the sex business in general. Or anything else. C’mon, let us in! It’s freezing out here!

13 PBS
Charlie Rose: Old, heterosexual, rich, white men distraught over the passing of William F. Buckley. “He was our Martin Luther King,” cry distraught, effete, wealthy Caucasians.

15 Animal Planet
What do chimps fantasize about when they masturbate? That’s right! Pamela Anderson!

16 Disney
That’s So Adolf!

17 CW
You know, they have a name for “Gossip Girl” in prison, Serena, it’s called “Snitch Bitch.”

18 CNN Financial
A single share of the dismantled financial giant Bear Stearns now costs less than the one-piece “a la carte” meal at Kentucky Fried Chicken

20 E! Entertainment Network
Jar Jar Binks: The E True Hollywood Story

38 Fox News
John McCain loses whatever credibility he had left by letting idiot Mongoloid man-child Sean Hannity put words in his mouth for an hour while he shakes like a neutered Spanish Civil War concussion victim.

38 Fox News
Bill O’Reilly wants to know everything about this golden shower business. And don’t lie to him or spare him any detail–this is the no-spin zone, damn it!

39 Oxygen
We’ve realized that we can now strike the greatest blow for women by airing numerous cat fight shows.

40 Lifetime
Movie: It involves a mother, a daughter, drugs and a pimp. You can fill in the rest, even if you don’t have any imagination whatsoever.

40 Lifetime
Movie: ” ‘I Am Not a Moron’: The True Story of Eliot Spitzer Call Girl Ashley Dupre,” a Lifetime movie event starring Mischa Barton

41 History
“The Prophecies of Nostadamus, Part IV”: Nostradamus predicts that tonight he will eat a lean, tasty dish of mutton.

42 HBO
“The Wire”: The cancellation of this seedy tale destroys Baltimore tourism, as those excited to come and visit its densely packed, crack cocaine-infested streets will now likely spend their tourism dollars elsewhere — in places such as Newark and Detroit.

43 Hallmark
I knew that if I looked through 1,500 channels, I could find “Matlock” somewhere

“American Gladiators”: A few lions and Christians would take this show to the next level.

45 Discovery Health
“Dwarf Family Revisited”: A dwarf family wants to explode all the myths about little people. Except the one about how they are ravenously oversexed.

46 Ovation
David Hartman gives long, tedious lecture about Restoration theater that might be more interesting if it had a few extra plunging bodices

56 Independent Film Channel
Pedro Almodovar’s most recent necrophilia movies are just getting too sentimental for me

57 Turner Movie Classics
Charlie Chaplin: Hamming it up and violating interstate white slavery laws.

58 Crosswalk
“Democracy Now”: In a cruel, ironic “No Exit” kind of existential hell, left-wing journalist Amy Goodman realizes she’s going to have to ride out the rest of her life contending with idiot mouth-breathing 9-11 conspiracy theorists, kind of like a baby-sitter for adults.

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(Originally posted Sunday, December 02, 2007)

Walker, Texas Panderer

Law & Order: Professional Athletes Detail

A Chick Show With Even More Extensive String Plucking To Let You Know It’s a Satire, Lest You Think The Hip Producers Are Somehow Not Above Entertaining You

6 CW
America’s Next Top Zionist

7 Telemundo
El Hombre Es Embarazada! Ay!

8 Biography
Taking a cue from Immanuel Kant, viewers make a strike against pure reason by watching psychic shows

9 Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: Bodily Fluids In Anthropomorphic Form

10 ESPN-Classic
“The Cannonball Run II,” like a whore looking for a place to sleep, somehow winds up on ESPN Classic

11 Fox News
Der Hannity Kinder

12 CMT
Where To Get The Hog Feed To Make Your Mash Liquor Without Drawring Attention From the POE-lice

18 History Channel
Just Enough History About the Hippies To Allow You To Dismiss Them All Over Again

19 CNN
Could you say that again? Larry wasn’t listening.

20 FX, 21 Sci-Fi and 22 A&E
We promise to just get grosser and more violent and more profane until you pay attention to us.

21 MTV
Whose Sick Did I Wake Up In?

22 VH-1
Does Carly Simon have to sleep with Flavor Flav to get back on this channel?

24 HBO
A Documentary About Atlantic City Hookers Narrated Entirely In Iambic Pentameter

26 E! Entertainment
Every Girl Is Attractive When She’s Naked (Reality)

28 Bravo
Fear My Brazen Sauce

29 Hallmark
Charles Durning served his country on the beaches of Normandy. Here he stars as Santa in a horrible Christmas show thought up in the marketing department by a 29-year-old yuppie scumbag.

30 Lifetime
Movie: A driven, single-minded career woman who lives only for her work … oh, Jesus, need I continue?

31 Cinemax
The Vagina Syndrome

31 Cinemax
Lonesome Rim

31 Cinemax
Things To Do With Heather In Your Bed

32 BET
Kicked In The Butt By Love

Kicked In The Butt By an Adjustable-Rate Mortgage

34 Court TV
Your Unabashed Hatred Only Diminishes You, Dear Viewer, But Having Said That, Here Are Some Dirty Filthy, Lowlife, Murdering, Child-Molesting Scumbags You Can Hate

35 Democracy Now
Smug Liberal Curls Lip

–*Bickering Republican Front Runners Make Mike Huckabee Look Not Blood-Curdlingly Stupid For Brief Moment
–*Small Kitten Vomiting and Still Looking Extra Cute
–*Suicide Girl Continuing To Get Positive Feedback For Working Through Her Body Issues the Wrong Way

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