Posts Tagged ‘Fox News’

The Second Amendment was created so that the newborn United States could avoid creating a hateful standing army and instead turn domestic security over to militias. The amendment had little to do with the unhindered gun rights of an individual (lots of gun control existed back in the late 18th century, just as it does now, as every literate person knows). And yet today, a Fox News host brought us full circle, demanding we create a standing army of ex-military people in public places to thwart mass shooters so we won’t have to challenge the imagined right of rageaholics to possess mass murder weapons (or the gun industry’s right to sell them). So we are now using the amendment as an excuse to enact the very thing it was meant to avoid … so we can protect the misinterpretation of those who can’t read the entire sentence.

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I love Keith Olbermann, but I don’t have to work with him. As of last night, neither do the staff at MSNBC, who abruptly cut the tether with their basso profundo heir to Edward R. Murrow. Olbermann reminded us in his closing program notes of “Network” and Peter Finch’s famous “Mad as hell” catch phrase as he signed off for the last time and contemplated his departure, using the spare elegant Occam’s Razor-worthy prose for which he’s known. His life would have been easier if he used that trombone-like voice to sell commemorative plates and soap sculptures and gold coins. Instead he used it to civilize us.

So goes the man who finally carved out a space for liberalism in the liberal media. When I think of Olbermann and the way he situated himself in the nightly pundit game, I think of a Josef Albers painting in which shades of whites are contrasted with other whites or a greens with greens. If the media is really so “liberal,” shouldn’t liberal Olbermann have gotten lost in the green screen background like so many Costa Rican macaws in their almendro trees? He didn’t. Instead, he came about as a trenchant and refreshing rhetorical answer to CNN, at a time when that supposedly liberal network was regularly offering up Iraq War coverage under the rubric “War on Terror”–reinforcing the central fiction of the war for less astute viewers and playing right into the hands of the folksy Mr. Haney who operated our country at the time.

Liberals in this country are a bit like Canadians–we’re always apologizing for something we didn’t do wrong. (Sorry, Canadian friends, but I’m quoting one of your fellow Canucks here.) Perhaps libs don’t like to win, as some introspective pundits like to say. Or perhaps we see more sides of an issue, and thus seem ready to yield to people who take pride in knowing one thing so well. Perhaps we’re just all impressed by ruddy faced conviction. Red-staters are so, so, so emotional about the wrong things they believe. That’s why we lie down when the debate turns silly. Anybody who would seriously debate the question “Is America going socialist” is already being suckered and making medicine with quacks. America has been “socialist,” as the right defines it, since long before 99% of Americans were born (and before we were, children worked 12 hours a day in indentured servitude and many workers were locked into their offices). The real question is why is America going down the road of plutocracy. You might see meretricious rules of rhetoric in that, but that’s because the game has been defined by the crazy people in the tricorn hats and those selling gold on late night television to poor conservative suckers. Are they, we ought to ask, plutocrats or anarchists or have they managed to find a horrifying nexus of both as they finally get around to learning only half what they couldn’t bother with in high school civics?”

Across the discursive gap strode Mr. Olbermann eight years ago, with his arrogant “Yes, I’m liberal and I know what I’m talking about so fuck you,” right into prime time television. It’s like what happens when a great new restaurant opens on a block that used to be full of closed-down warehouses. The block has now been spruced up a bit for newcomers, and I doubt Keith Olbermann’s termination will make that much difference. Salon even suggested that his colleague Rachel Maddow, with her cool Vulcan nerve pinches on stupidity, has stolen the march on her pal in liberal popularity. Nobody seems to be worried about a chill in political dissent so much as speculating about how much of an ungrateful and arrogant prick Olbermann was to his bosses. I guess we could roast him for that, but then you might also have to agree that a lot of polite people are ineffective hypocrites who run you down behind your back. Keith is dealing with you in front, where you cause all the trouble.

“Wouldn’t it be funny if Olbermann went to Fox News?” That’s what I thought at first, and it seemed stupid, but now I hear other people saying the same thing. Roger Ailes seems to have a soft spot for house lefties. He gets to co-opt them and further shield his franchise from its image as being more insulated, weepy-eyed, deluded and prima donna-ish than the cast of Glee. And at Fox there seems to be no real problem with “reporters” contributing a bit to politicians, the activity that got Olbermann in trouble at MSNBC a few months ago. Maybe that would be attractive, maybe not. Maybe Keith Olbermann can just start to enjoy his celebrity and sell out at Fox News. Others have done it.

When Olbermann referenced Network and “I’m mad as hell …” , he dropped the reference with such winning self-deprecation I think people missed the satiric undercurrent in that too-much-abused movie reference. Because Keith Olbermann is better compared to Shane, and it’s Glenn Beck who is actually the Peter Finch character, Howard Beale, a man who capably finds an audience that doesn’t know the difference between discourse and showmanship, snake oil and antibiotics. Even when Beck gets around to coming up with an actual fact, he’s usually quick to move beyond it to the real attraction–exorcism. He’s giving his viewers the nightly purging they need when they feel alienated from the political process, powerless to stop forces beyond their control like money and power and recession and unemployment and foreclosure and failure. When there’s blood in the streets, people need a crazy man like Beck to reflect the perversity of their spirit. Maybe Keith Olbermann hates a bit too much too. He even said as much after Gabrielle Giffords was shot and he asked for a tone of civility.

It’s awfully hard to keep calling for civility, of course, when you’ve just been unceremoniously shit-canned. But Keith Olbermann somehow did it with his elegance and basso profundo. Maybe that’s good for an exorcism too.

Come back, Shane. Come back.

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The attempted murder of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and the death of six bystanders in yesterday’s mass shooting in Tucson, Arizona have sparked a debate about how toxic our national discourse has become. That discourse barely had time to neutralize before it turned toxic again a few hours later. Before suspect Jared Lee Loughner was even named as the suspect, left wingers took aim at the Tea Party and Sarah Palin for the gun imagery she has brought to bear (and bears) in our national debates, and her targeting of Giffords in particular. This, they say, wasn’t an isolated incident by a crazy person but the spawn of a right-wing firmament that breeds crazy in crazy nurseries.

A couple of years ago, for instance, Fox pundit Bill O’Reilly repeatedly called Kansas abortion provider George Tiller a baby killer and mentioned him some 28 times on his show. Tiller was later murdered by Scott Roeder, shot in the eye while he was inside his church. The right has since Barack Obama’s election become more ominous in its rhetoric, more martial in its imagery and apocalyptic in its pronouncements. A disempowered group of Americans in 2008 turned to millenarian fury (a sign of their fear). Thus Giffords and others had gotten threats for their support of the health care bill. People were showing up at protests during those debates brandishing guns.

And so there was an anticipation building up among liberals that something like this was bound to happen sooner or later, perhaps even a dark wish that it happen to reveal the true animal spirits on the right.

So once there was news of a shooting, it seemed like a good time to immediately assail Palin’s bulls eye imagery, and the crosshairs she trained on Arizona’s Eight District in a 2010 political poster, which Giffords herself called an implied threat. Or for that matter it was worth remembering that Ann Coulter once called Bill Clinton assassination worthy. Or that Glenn Beck has joked about killing opponents and that his whole ideology is based around conspiracy theories that appeal to our country’s many lunatics.

At some point, rhetoric does indeed turn into threat, as I think it did in O’Reilly’s case. The First Amendment doesn’t cover threats. You can’t draw a line through a person’s name and smear it in blood on a poster. But it’s not like the right doesn’t know this. Instead its more clever exponents play with the contradictions. Palin and Glenn Beck do it with an edge of satire that their audience is likely aware of on some level, as obnoxious and destructive as it is to progress, as anathema as it is to people with brains. Yes it’s sad that some dummies do take it seriously (not realizing that Palin is less about policy than media whoredom or not recognizing that Beck is little more than a snake oil salesman/pitch man for gold investments). But the left uses imagery just as often, and with the arrogant vouchsafe that it’s OK for us because we’re right after all. A lot of us called George Bush a war criminal because we thought he had left at least a hundred thousand people dead in Iraq by lying about the reasons for going to war. Are there ramifications of using that language? Could it be used by a crazy person who thinks George Bush is literally a wanted criminal and who might in a deranged state somehow take action on that notion?

This is one reason I can’t blame Palin and Beck for Giffords. And that has made me a very lonely lefty this week.

Call it First Amendment fundamentalism or just sadness about how quickly the situation was exploited. Nobody on the left had the sense to wait a few hours to see who opened fire at that Safeway, and when it turned out to be a moonstruck college dropout/armed forces reject with paranoias about mind control, libs had to spin like mad when they realized they had literally jumped the gun. All of my heroes are now doing the mushy blogs about how toxic our political climate has become and trying with limp avail and flimsy proof to lay it at the feet of Palin.

Yes, Loughner used some right wing symbols about the Constitution being under attack and about the integrity of gold-backed currency. But he was mainly weaving that into a dark, solipsistic ideology all his own, barely recognizable to even NRA members. Who in the hell on the right wing has ever argued about government control of your “grammar structure”?

My heroes Keith Olbermann and Paul Krugman have taken this story with the dutiful drudgery of football players taking their positions at shirts and skins scrimmage. Krugman did not offer his usual elegant hard numbers to back up his weak contention that this was an invariable outcome of right wing hate-mongering–but just swiped at Palin in a pro forma rant,  trying to convince us she’s more to blame than people who used to call George Bush Hitler. Before 5 p.m. yesterday, conservatives already had been roused to defensive anger and were in pretty good stead to bat away the arguments that Jared Loughner’s  insanity in any way resembled their own behavior. The anti-bodies had kicked in, and there would be no reason, if I were a right-winger, to listen to the criticism. The left made a prima facie judgment and showed the right it will blame Sarah Palin for anything, even small pox, car wrecks or dog mange.

That makes her stronger, folks.

I’m a leftist, and do believe the Tea Party has created a toxic environment of anti-government panic and often destroyed sensible discourse with meaningless sloganeering. My late mother once told me that in her job as a tax preparer, she came across people who wanted to cash out of all their stock holdings at unattractive bases, take big tax hits or do other forms of financial violence to themselves just because Fox News has told them America had gone socialist. My mother’s prescription: “Fox News should be banned.” And this was a woman who had voted for Bush.

Just another example that conservative thinking is going to do real harm to many disadvantaged people (a lot of them conservatives) in the long run. They will slash necessary programs, push an anti-government agenda that forces more out-of-pocket expenses on poor people, destroy the middle class, accelerate wealth disparity, put us more in debt to the Chinese and force depressions on us if they have to. But it’s hard to prove or see that kind of insidious violence, and that makes lefties want to pin something more tangible on right wing leaders. How about a murder?

The fact is that there are lots of ways to slice the orange on this story. The most horrible is the one none of us dare bring up: We could point to the tragic irony that Giffords is a gun rights advocate and maybe ask if this is a good time to bring up the issue again in our national discourse. We could have taken aim (note the harmless metaphor) at Sarah Palin’s gun stances rather than Palin herself. Instead, we played into her hands and won her more sympathy.

Or we could have noted the irony that Giffords has not been easy to pigeonhole and she’s a good example of our less doctrinaire politicians. The sad thing is that maybe we need more of her, not one less. Our all-too-necessary political center is being attacked when it ought to be protected.

Instead, we liberals painted ourselves into a corner and made this contradictory statement: “The political atmosphere has become too toxic … and it’s the other side’s bloody fault.”

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A letter from a disgruntled reader*:

Christmas, as you know if you’re a regular Fox News viewer as I am, is under attack. From the streets of Tulsa where holiday parades have been renamed, to Texas classrooms where little girls writing paeans to Jesus are removed from class, to New York City, where some school halls have been decked out with pagan items like menorahs, the battle against the Christian religion has been joined, and the dismantling of our official national religion has begun. You are probably asking yourself, how is it that I, as a Christian, am always being persecuted? Why it’s almost as if somebody gave us a persecution complex!

Everywhere you look these days we suffer religions repression as Christians. We no longer are allowed to say “Merry Christmas” to each other in front of those 1,000 foot Christmas trees at the mall. We are made to feel embarrassed when we hang 200 foot crosses on our skyscrapers in the middle of Manhattan. Our “Merry Christmas” cards are being moved over exactly six inches to the side to make room for “Happy Holiday” cards, or worse, or even something in Hebrew, which has nothing to do with Jesus whatsoever.  If you look hard enough, and by hard enough I mean if you call up numerous churches in the southern states asking specifically of anything out of the ordinary, you are bound to find somebody who writes a blog who claims he was personally persecuted for his religious beliefs.

Things have gotten so far out of hand with political correctness that even the Texas House of Representatives has fallen under the leadership of a well-known Jew. How, you might ask, could this happen at Christmas, the holiday we Protestants invented?

The watchwords for the new age are “diversity” and “multiculturalism.” These used to be innocent words–it simply meant that Christians, Jews, Africans and Muslims could all live freely and celebrate Christmas together. However, something has happened to those innocent words, perhaps something we could associate with the immigration of more non-Christian Mexicans into our country. Diversity now means acknowledging other people’s absurd magical beliefs at a time of year we’re supposed to be acknowledging Jesus’ virgin birth. If you, like me, are a Christian, you know that acknowledging other people this way is impossible and will get you an eternity of having bleeding-eyed Mollochs and fire-farting demons shove torches of flaming pitch into your ass all the way up to breakfast. Obviously, acknowledging other people’s beliefs always means destroying your own.

Think about it. East Berlin would have been no kind of city at all without a big fence to keep everybody in. I like to think of Christmas the same way. A little East Berlin walled off from other cultures with fantastic green and red bows  garlanding the barbed concertina wire.

But you must remember, as a Christian, that as a newly persecuted individual, you are actually in your element. I dug into the library the other night and did a bit of research. There I found a little-known movie called “The Passion of the Christ.” Evidently, Jesus did quite a bit of suffering himself. In fact, there is a long history of people whipping, flagellating, scourging and wearing hairshirts to show their thanks and understanding of Jesus’ sacrifice.

The best way for you to preserve Christmas in the face of this onslaught is to buy a big tree that you can hang lights on. I like to call it a “Defiance Tree.” You can also buy red and green wrapping paper and wrap within them “Defiance Gifts.” Put brightly colored sequencing lights around your house as a signal to everybody that you are angry about the way Christmas has been demonized. Nobody else is likely doing this. Put a nativity scene in front of your house. Nobody is doing that either. Go to Christmas parties and drink lots of eggnog spiked with rum and yell very loudly that the party is likely going to be outlawed soon. And most important, you should watch Fox News at all times, because only this channel is keeping the guttering flame of Christmas alive. That and maybe the fourth hour of the Today show.

Remember: There’s no “Happy holidays” mealy mouthing here! Make an East Berlin of your heart and fight back against the attack on Christmas whenever you can. When we have won back our holiday and our culture, Christmas will go back to being about what it’s always been about in the past:

Fighting with your family.


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A man is forced to eat his own entrails. If you can write a plot around this idea, then you’ve got a job at “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.”

24 E! Entertainment Television
Steal, strip, sex your way into fame.

13 PBS
If Oscar Wilde were on Facebook, his status updates would be so witty they would shame you from ever making another one yourself … and other observations by Bill Moyers.

25 MTV
“Hell is Other Guidos”: The Situation, Snookie, Pauly D and JWoww are all stuck together in a room they can’t get out of. And you are paralyzed watching them.

27 The Food Network
Mystery Movie of the Week: The secret sauce is daddy!

36 ABC Family
An innocent squeeze on the cheek cannot be taken at face value in this Anne Sexton biopic.

13 PBS
Anne Sexton: “A woman who loves a woman is forever young.”

24 Lifetime
This lifetime movie on Anne Sexton skews toward women age 30 to 50.

14 CNN
The woman who loves Larry King is forever young.

28 Fox News
A woman who loves Rush Limbaugh is forever quiet, because he can’t hear a word she’s saying.

28 Fox News
Reporter Juan Williams was fired from NPR just for going on Fox News, reports Juan Williams on Fox News.

28 Fox News
A woman is stabbed in Idaho. Coming up: six hours of uninformed conjecture about what it might mean.

28 Fox News
Why it’s unconstitutional to force people to buy health care insurance, car insurance, home owner’s insurance, Social Security, postage stamps or access to the New Jersey Turnpike.

30 CNN
In this latest episode of Crossfire, David and Maddie finally kiss.

31 Current TV
Because of a music rights legal dispute, this biopic on Kurt Cobain features the music of the Dwarves, Zeke, and the Theater of Sheep.

36 Health Network
If you feel as if you can’t concentrate, focus on daily tasks, meet mental challenges, organize your thoughts or retrieve your perspicacity, then the best thing you could possibly be doing right now is watching television.

4 KFOR Oklahoma City
My sister was on this channel the other night! Really! She sat on the journalist panel for the Oklahoma gubernatorial debates.

4 KFOR Oklahoma City
Unfortunately, you have to hate Barack Obama, health care reform, the federal government, roads, bridges and people who get sick if you want to be governor of Oklahoma.

82 Bloomberg
You are unemployed because American companies find you too expensive, and don’t want to waste their vital cash reserves on you and weaken their earnings per share. So if you are smart and can put two and two together, you will vote against the Democrats in two weeks.

54 AMC
“Mad Men” is over for the season, which means it’s best just to turn the television off altogether.

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Longtime political analyst Juan Williams was fired by NPR this week after he told Bill O’Reilly on Fox News that he gets nervous when he sees Muslims on airplanes, especially when they self-identify as Muslims. He then declared that it made him no bigot.

What are the many different ways we can look at, break down, deconstruct or reverse engineer this episode?

–*We could say Juan Williams made a bigoted remark and should have been fired.


–*We could point out that if a white man said he gets nervous around black men, it would anger Juan Williams, so he should know better.


–*We could say that the sentiment itself wasn’t as bad as the insistence that it wasn’t bigotry and Williams’ refusal to apologize for it.

This means he might have gotten away with saying the first part, but not the second part. We think. This is where we need lawyers to come in and break it all down for us and tell us when, in fact, he became bigoted. Unfortunately, all we have are his defenders, Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee, who are probably as qualified to parse language as they are to teach us the linguistic roots of Sanskrit.


–*We could point out Juan Williams said something that quite a few Americans feel, even if it’s wrong. In other words, he was dumb enough to say out loud what Anderson Cooper, Brian Williams, Christiane Amanpour, Katie Couric and Regis Philbin might well feel but wouldn’t dare say.


–*You could say it doesn’t matter, because evincing his own personal feelings is not his job as a reporter.


–*As the song goes, “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist.” Maybe sometimes we should say what’s on our minds or in our hearts, even if it’s bad, to examine what it’s about. But now Williams and others are on notice to hold those feelings in so that they never go examined. We are not allowed to make a safe place for discussion about the things we feel even though it might help us know what our problems are.


–*Juan Williams could have made that same statement with more sensitivity and still said something newsworthy: “I know it’s wrong, but I feel nervous around people in Muslim dress on airplanes, and that’s important to say out loud,” because this is something important we ought to know about the very large non-Muslim community in the U.S.–they fear people who are not like them.


–*We could acknowledge that if a Muslim went on TV these days and told us he gets nervous around non-Muslims, we’d probably see his point and we do want him to feel free to express himself right? If a lone woman, for that matter, got nervous walking when surrounded by strange men, we’d probably see her point, too. It’s not always rational. Does that make it illegitimate?


–*We might get angry that Juan Williams lost his job for something relatively minor when a week ago Bill O’Reilly said “Muslims killed us on 9/11,” which is much more outlandish and insipid, not to mention ungrammatical–and O’Reilly has never once feared for his job. Rather than creating a nursery of dissenting voices, NPR seems secretly determined to drive decent reporters to the Wild West town of slander that is Fox News, where they can more comfortably say uncomfortable things.


–*We could notice to our shame that liberals close ranks against heretics just as blithely as George W. Bush does. What we couldn’t do to O’Reilly, we’ve decided to do to a much more reasonable guy.


–*We notice that liberals like Juan Williams must fear for their jobs if they go outside the bounds of political correctness, while right wingers never need fear it. That means we risk putting more reporters like Juan Williams on Fox News’ payroll and continuing to polarize the United States.


–*We might point out that Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez, two journalists with relatively reasonable centrist viewpoints, have both recently been fired for making racially inflammatory remarks that were totally out of character for them. This means soon we will all be reading from scripts, and hewing to our party lines all the time. There will be no free-associating, no counterintuitive arguments, no alternative premises, no synthesizing of paradoxical statements, no free marketplace of ideas. Everybody will sound like Barney the Dinosaur.


–*We could say that NPR is trying to hold the line for objective journalism and that everyone with an opinion can feel free to go express it on Fox, where there is nothing but opinion and precious little news 24 hours  a day.


–*We could come up with a conspiracy theory that Juan Williams and Rick Sanchez were likely fired for backstage intrigues we know nothing about, because there is lots of infighting in the competitive world of broadcast journalism that is bigger than any one red herring racial comment. It might sound like a conspiracy theory, but Williams said that NPR didn’t like him being on Fox, so they found a reason to 86 him, and that doesn’t sound so far-fetched.


–*We could just say Juan Williams got fired because he was black.

Yes, it’s a stupid thought. It may sound like the most ludicrous argument of all. But think about it–why does everybody get to be a bigot but Juan Williams? Is it because we think he should know better since he’s a black man? Well who says that?

I don’t want to defend what Juan Williams said, but I think there’s too much readiness by some news organizations to fire good people for 1) obvious brain farts and 2) a failure to adhere to orthodoxy. I know when I free associate, stuff comes out of my mouth that I regret later. So maybe I should never be on broadcast news. But then I ask, who should?

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Survivor: the Andean Mountain Uruguayan Soccer Team Challenge

Tina Fey delivers another awesomely written episode of 30 Rock that you won’t watch because you’d rather see Ray J drink champagne off the nude body of a developmentally disabled cocktail waitress.

5 E! Entertainment
Slowing Down For the Kardashians

From the Nokia Theater, the American Music Awards featuring Taylor Swift. Swift and Kanye West perform a unity medley of Elmo’s greatest self-esteem songs.

On Oprah, porn star Jenna Jameson shows she doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

Frontline examines how medical marijuana is now being prescribed for glaucoma, hyperactivity in children, anal expulsive personality disorder, low self esteem and poverty.

Lou Dobbs puts up a fence in his own back yard and declares his own house free of Mexicans, at least the ones he’s not married to.

On Larry King, former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean continues to show that she doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

9 The History Channel
Catherine the Great is remembered for also being a great lover of animals. A really great lover.

10 MTV
If The Hills were really unscripted, somebody certainly would have killed somebody else by now.

11 CW
Gossip Girl: OMFG! A 3some! WTF? LOL!

11 CW
Gossip Girl: Oh no! ABRT!

11 CW
Two Gossip Girls, One Cup

11 CW
Gossip Girl does not know the difference between good attention and bad attention.

11 CW
Gossip Girl: Hey, did anybody notice that the “threesome” entry on Wikipedia has completely gratuitous threesome pictures? A little off topic, but hey, I’m just sayin’ …

12 Fox News
Glenn Beck doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Yet that lack of self-awareness is refreshing, and has allowed us all to relax a bit and once again feel OK enjoying manifestly racist invective. Thanks, Glenn!

13 AMC
After watching Mad Men‘s Don Draper drink, womanize and verbally and physically abuse people, do any of us remember why we ever liked him in the first place?

14 Fox News
After watching Sarah Palin lie, back stab, quit her job, pander to idiots, mangle language, manipulate her family, infight with co-workers, exhibit total ignorance about global affairs and exploit her looks to cover up her lack of substance, do any of us wonder why she’s not starring on AMC’s Mad Men yet?

14 Fox News
Sarah Palin doesn’t know the difference between good attention and bad attention. Or that Africa isn’t a country.

15 HBO
Boogie Nights, a rip-off of Martin Scorsese movies with no ending

15 HBO
Magnolia, a rip-off of Robert Altman movies with no ending

15 HBO
There Will Be Blood, a rip-off of Stanley Kubrick movies with no ending.

15 HBO
The Dukes of Hazzard, a rip-off of the William Shakespeare classic, A Midsummer Night’s Dream.

15 HBO
The Muppet Movie, a retelling of the legend of Galahad, in which a knight of pure heart in the form of a frog seeks the cup of glory, a frog who embodies a code of chivalry and romance that none of his peers can match and which engenders in him a contempt of the world and it of him, his unworldliness both holy but also cold and tragic.

16 Cinemax
Fellating For Godot

Martha Stewart Presents: How To Throw A Family Fight That Tastes Like Christmas

18 We
We is the channel that celebrates women. Next up, a bunch of catfighting, money grubbing bitches from Great Neck going through the Change.

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(Originally posted Sunday, December 02, 2007)

Walker, Texas Panderer

Law & Order: Professional Athletes Detail

A Chick Show With Even More Extensive String Plucking To Let You Know It’s a Satire, Lest You Think The Hip Producers Are Somehow Not Above Entertaining You

6 CW
America’s Next Top Zionist

7 Telemundo
El Hombre Es Embarazada! Ay!

8 Biography
Taking a cue from Immanuel Kant, viewers make a strike against pure reason by watching psychic shows

9 Cartoon Network
Adult Swim: Bodily Fluids In Anthropomorphic Form

10 ESPN-Classic
“The Cannonball Run II,” like a whore looking for a place to sleep, somehow winds up on ESPN Classic

11 Fox News
Der Hannity Kinder

12 CMT
Where To Get The Hog Feed To Make Your Mash Liquor Without Drawring Attention From the POE-lice

18 History Channel
Just Enough History About the Hippies To Allow You To Dismiss Them All Over Again

19 CNN
Could you say that again? Larry wasn’t listening.

20 FX, 21 Sci-Fi and 22 A&E
We promise to just get grosser and more violent and more profane until you pay attention to us.

21 MTV
Whose Sick Did I Wake Up In?

22 VH-1
Does Carly Simon have to sleep with Flavor Flav to get back on this channel?

24 HBO
A Documentary About Atlantic City Hookers Narrated Entirely In Iambic Pentameter

26 E! Entertainment
Every Girl Is Attractive When She’s Naked (Reality)

28 Bravo
Fear My Brazen Sauce

29 Hallmark
Charles Durning served his country on the beaches of Normandy. Here he stars as Santa in a horrible Christmas show thought up in the marketing department by a 29-year-old yuppie scumbag.

30 Lifetime
Movie: A driven, single-minded career woman who lives only for her work … oh, Jesus, need I continue?

31 Cinemax
The Vagina Syndrome

31 Cinemax
Lonesome Rim

31 Cinemax
Things To Do With Heather In Your Bed

32 BET
Kicked In The Butt By Love

Kicked In The Butt By an Adjustable-Rate Mortgage

34 Court TV
Your Unabashed Hatred Only Diminishes You, Dear Viewer, But Having Said That, Here Are Some Dirty Filthy, Lowlife, Murdering, Child-Molesting Scumbags You Can Hate

35 Democracy Now
Smug Liberal Curls Lip

–*Bickering Republican Front Runners Make Mike Huckabee Look Not Blood-Curdlingly Stupid For Brief Moment
–*Small Kitten Vomiting and Still Looking Extra Cute
–*Suicide Girl Continuing To Get Positive Feedback For Working Through Her Body Issues the Wrong Way

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