Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

–*Independent filmmaker Barbie with a can of the wrong ASA film to throw at your freakin’ head.

–*Ambulance-chasing personal injury lawyer Barbie

–*Barbie with septicemia from a hard-to-close wound

–*Video camera Barbie with a real camera stuffed in her decolletage, a doll that allows you to videotape yourself and allows your parents to spy on the baby sitter (she’s admissible in court!)

–*Expert witness against predators Barbie (she’s adorable in court!)

–*Bratz Barbies (she’s easy to pass off as a competing brand)

–*Licensing Barbie (making sure you’re not violating her intellectual property and trademarks)

–*Health care quality control specialist Barbie (making sure you’re out of the hospital in two days)

–*Medical lab tech Barbie (making sure the insurance companies are getting charged for unnecessary procedures)

–*Top 2% Barbie (she’s making 433 times more income than the lowest 50%)

–*Mullet and rat-tail Barbie. She doesn’t need money. She’s got love and smokes.

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A letter from a disgruntled reader*:

Christmas, as you know if you’re a regular Fox News viewer as I am, is under attack. From the streets of Tulsa where holiday parades have been renamed, to Texas classrooms where little girls writing paeans to Jesus are removed from class, to New York City, where some school halls have been decked out with pagan items like menorahs, the battle against the Christian religion has been joined, and the dismantling of our official national religion has begun. You are probably asking yourself, how is it that I, as a Christian, am always being persecuted? Why it’s almost as if somebody gave us a persecution complex!

Everywhere you look these days we suffer religions repression as Christians. We no longer are allowed to say “Merry Christmas” to each other in front of those 1,000 foot Christmas trees at the mall. We are made to feel embarrassed when we hang 200 foot crosses on our skyscrapers in the middle of Manhattan. Our “Merry Christmas” cards are being moved over exactly six inches to the side to make room for “Happy Holiday” cards, or worse, or even something in Hebrew, which has nothing to do with Jesus whatsoever.  If you look hard enough, and by hard enough I mean if you call up numerous churches in the southern states asking specifically of anything out of the ordinary, you are bound to find somebody who writes a blog who claims he was personally persecuted for his religious beliefs.

Things have gotten so far out of hand with political correctness that even the Texas House of Representatives has fallen under the leadership of a well-known Jew. How, you might ask, could this happen at Christmas, the holiday we Protestants invented?

The watchwords for the new age are “diversity” and “multiculturalism.” These used to be innocent words–it simply meant that Christians, Jews, Africans and Muslims could all live freely and celebrate Christmas together. However, something has happened to those innocent words, perhaps something we could associate with the immigration of more non-Christian Mexicans into our country. Diversity now means acknowledging other people’s absurd magical beliefs at a time of year we’re supposed to be acknowledging Jesus’ virgin birth. If you, like me, are a Christian, you know that acknowledging other people this way is impossible and will get you an eternity of having bleeding-eyed Mollochs and fire-farting demons shove torches of flaming pitch into your ass all the way up to breakfast. Obviously, acknowledging other people’s beliefs always means destroying your own.

Think about it. East Berlin would have been no kind of city at all without a big fence to keep everybody in. I like to think of Christmas the same way. A little East Berlin walled off from other cultures with fantastic green and red bows  garlanding the barbed concertina wire.

But you must remember, as a Christian, that as a newly persecuted individual, you are actually in your element. I dug into the library the other night and did a bit of research. There I found a little-known movie called “The Passion of the Christ.” Evidently, Jesus did quite a bit of suffering himself. In fact, there is a long history of people whipping, flagellating, scourging and wearing hairshirts to show their thanks and understanding of Jesus’ sacrifice.

The best way for you to preserve Christmas in the face of this onslaught is to buy a big tree that you can hang lights on. I like to call it a “Defiance Tree.” You can also buy red and green wrapping paper and wrap within them “Defiance Gifts.” Put brightly colored sequencing lights around your house as a signal to everybody that you are angry about the way Christmas has been demonized. Nobody else is likely doing this. Put a nativity scene in front of your house. Nobody is doing that either. Go to Christmas parties and drink lots of eggnog spiked with rum and yell very loudly that the party is likely going to be outlawed soon. And most important, you should watch Fox News at all times, because only this channel is keeping the guttering flame of Christmas alive. That and maybe the fourth hour of the Today show.

Remember: There’s no “Happy holidays” mealy mouthing here! Make an East Berlin of your heart and fight back against the attack on Christmas whenever you can. When we have won back our holiday and our culture, Christmas will go back to being about what it’s always been about in the past:

Fighting with your family.


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–*A Nintendo Wii

–*A Nintendo Wii and child support

–*A big glass of eggnog and primary custody of the child

–*An amicus brief from the American Civil Liberties Union, sent by Fed Ex to Alabama

–*A Pleo robotic dinosaur and a public health option

–*A Jedi concentration console, which allows you to levitate an orb with your brainwaves, and a recall of obstructionist Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn, which would allow you to pass decent health care legislation with your brainwaves.

–*Malibu rum, for your feelings.

–*EyeClops Night Vision Goggles, to teach your children stalking skills early in life.

–*Transformer movie action toys make a great gift, say bloggers compromised by advertising money

–*A Ronald Reagan doll with invisible stealth government, large paper deficits and extra wealth disparity.

–*A job.

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If you need great gift ideas for Christmas (or extremely late ideas for Hanukkah), look no further. I have a raft of suggestions for you to help spread the holiday cheer and heighten the eggnog buzz.

As I’ve mentioned before, Stephanie and I have a whole lot of talented friends working in the film and publishing industries, and this year, three of them have had their work hit the shelves. A fourth friend has had a poetry anthology out for a couple of years. How close am I to these people? Well, I’ve been to the weddings of three, and served as best man to one of them.

Whether you’re looking for fun kid films, thoughtful young adult books, poetry anthologies or a bracing look at America’s past and future credit crises, my friends will have something for that finicky and hard-to-please family member.

First I submit to you “The Day-Glo Brothers,” penned by my friend Chris Barton and illustrated by Tony Persiani. The book recounts the invention of day-glo paint by the brothers Joe and Bob Switzer, who invented and perfected fluorescent colors in the pursuit of a more exciting magic show and overcame some hardship in the process. The book depicts the different sensibilities of the sober-sided Bob and the more devil-may-care Joe as they worked together to change the color of our world. The book’s been named one of the best children’s books of 2009 by Publishers Weekly.

If you’ve got a relative who’s more interested in the world of American business and finance, an old colleague of mine at Thomson Financial, Josh Kosman, offers a bracing look at the private equity industry in his book “The Buyout of America.” Here, Josh explains how the captains of the PE world have swooped down on healthy companies, compromising their long-term stability and their balance sheets to suck them dry for big profits. These problems could likely lead to the next big credit crisis, Josh writes. The book is already stirring some controversy in the powerful PE world, whose biggest players have cozy relationships with Washington. You can get a copy at Amazon.com.

Maybe that special person on your gift list needs more poetry in his or her life. If so, you can check out “Best Poems of the English Language,” a work that came out in 2007 and was edited by my friend Alissa Heyman.  This anthology features some 200 poets working from the 7th century to the 20th, which covers a lot of styles and a lot of the fantastic breadth of expression in our relatively young language. It includes all the greats: Shakespeare, Yeats, Shelley, William Carlos Williams, Emily Dickinson, Edgar Lee Masters, etc. Because it’s an anthology, it will not only satisfy people who love poetry but also those who want to look like they do and need an accoutrement to their cultivated image of refinement!

If you’re dealing with someone less interested in books, then why not order a copy of “Shorts,” a film for both kids and adults by Robert Rodriquez with material supplied by my close friend Alvaro Rodriguez. The film follows the expolits of a bunch of kids whose wishes are granted by a magical wishing rock and whose troubles with their wishes are played out in a number of funny vignettes, some of which are touching and others are funny and maybe even a bit gross.

Certainly, one of these items will satisfy that special friend and loved one. If not, then let’s not kid ourselves: You’re probably just going to get them a fruit cake.

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(Originally posted Saturday, December 20, 2008 )

What Are Some of the Novel New Christmas Desserts?

–*Gauche Cherry Overload

–*Pumpkin Bloat Pie

–*Tiramisu Throw

–*Merry Cherry Tricyclic Antidepressant Pie

–*Vicodin Gingerbread House

–*Disappears Quickly From Your Mouth Like the Kiss of a French Whore Raspberry Liqueur Cakes

–*Molten Chocolate Holiday Emotional Meltdown

–*Inferiority Complex Truffles

–*Prestressed Peanut Brittle

–*Counter-transference Striped Cookie Cake With Extra Displacement Bears

–*Butterscotch Chinese Noodle Separation Anxiety Cookies

–*Le Brownie with Le Candy Cane Le Stuck In It

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(Originally posted Monday, December 24, 2007)

Peanuts Celebrates a Happy Kwanzaa

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Reveals He Is Jewish, Just in Time For Chanukah

Frosty The Snowman’s Pagan Celebration of Yule

A Show Involving a Slightly More Terrifying Santa Who Originates From the Basque Country

Horace’s Delightful Holiday TV Classic “It Happened One Saturnalia.”

Nancy Reagan Reads From the Book “The Meaning of Solstice.”

The Jehovah’s Witnesses’ Non-Holiday Special, Featuring A Family of Jehovah’s Witnesses Not Celebrating The Heretical Christmas Holiday

The Jews Are At Home Eating Chinese Food Christmas Special

Andy Williams’ English Boxing Day Ski Show

Satellite: Virgin Mary Worship Continues In Nicaragua

The Mid-Winter Swedish Human Sacrifice Spectacular

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