Archive for November 26th, 2009

Shrek at the 2009 Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

What new floats are featured in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

–*Buzz Lightyear

–*Sailor Mickey Mouse

–*A character from whatever cartoon is making the most money on Nickelodeon

–*Tippy Turtle

–*Fritz the Cat, Mr. Natural and other outre, pornographic R. Crumb characters.

–*An inflatable Cartman float with a real word “balloon” that really says the word “fuck” on it

–*A Meryl Streep float, with an inflatable Oscar for “Kramer vs. Kramer” trailing behind

–*The Pantheon of Hot Air Presidents, featuring all of them

–*The “housing bubble” balloon

–*The ballooning deficit

–*A giant turkey, which you literary types will recognize as a reference to the turkey car in Tom Robbins’ outrageous novel Skinny Legs and All. Or maybe I’m being pretentious and it’s simply supposed to be a big turkey. Damn useless postmodernist education of mine!

–*An Israel balloon wrapped haphazardly around a Palestinian balloon

–*A giant air balloon with Bret Michaels in it whose moorings will be cut and who will then be set free in a heart-warming spectacle akin to the freeing of doves and butterflies–a surprise for the audience and Bret Michaels alike.

–*A special float modeled after an SUV, like the thousands that the Ford Motor Co. hopes you can take off its hands.

–*Extra sex doll balloons from the Adult Video News awards, which, like everybody else, is trying to cut costs and avoid depreciation by reusing old items

–*At the end, Santa Claus, the patron saint of retail sales, who we hope will protect our bottom lines this Christmas

–*… and thus, hopefully, create more asset inflation.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

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