Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category

What is Francis I’s agenda now that he has been elected Pope?

–*He heads off to the Room of Tears to don his papal vestments and remove the cleaning ticket.

–*To prove he is infallible, he must predict tonight’s meal, which must then be served.

–*He can pick out 10 people from the crowd and canonize them on the spot, hopefully a few hot chicks.

–*He should make up with a few new completely arbitrary and physically painful rituals just to win the respect of any cardinals who did not vote for him.

–*He must get even with Don Barzini and the heads of the other five families as he baptizes his nephew.

–*He’s got to pray a lot in front of a lot of important statues, keeping the language specific so that it doesn’t look a little superstitious maybe.

–*After inspecting the papal apartments, he must observe in Latin, “Either this wallpaper goes or I do.”

–*After hour six, maybe he could lighten the mood with a little joke. How about remarking at Castel Gandolfo, “None shall pass!”

–*He must thank Harvey Weinstein.

–*On Thursday, he must blame the preceding Pope for the failed economy, as per tradition.

–*He must give a speech adhering to tradition and resisting outside forces of modernization that corrupt our souls–like premarital sex and fiduciary transparency at the Vatican bank.

–*He should set to work on a 20,000 word ex cathedra encyclical taking a stand on eros versus agape, tradition versus modernization, or the Beatles versus the Stones.

–*He should take a ride in his new fancy ass car.

–*Sugar doesn’t make you fat when you’re infallible. He should eat like a pig.


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… this week, but it somehow disappeared from my WordPress blog. I am not sure why that is. It wasn’t a terribly blasphemous blog or anything, certainly not as mean spirited as, say, what The Onion did on the Pope’s resignation. Mine was tiny and silly. And yet it has vanished. I am not the sort to think Word Press deemed it offensive and took it down on purpose. I’m almost 90% sure that didn’t happen. But if it was a technical glitch, then it was sure unfortunate because the blog is lost forever. I do not have a copy of it.

Unless …

If for some reason one of you, my regular readers, got it in an e-mail, maybe you could send it to me. Better yet, you could repost it in the comments section here. Maybe I would still find it funny. I don’t know, because I can’t read it anymore. I can thank Word Press and their new interface (or something more sinister) for that.

Please, WordPress, do not lose my blogs in the future. Get your tech ship right. You don’t want to make me as angry as MySpace did.

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