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Posts Tagged ‘insurance’

–* Twenty-three stars who don’t know they passed away in 2018

–*Ten stars who have uncashed checks lying around.

–*This man could not find his ass with a funnel.

–*These three people thought they were stepping in Shinola. They thought wrong.

–*Ten people who didn’t know that if you do this, then that will happen.

–*These 20 kittens wanted food so bad, they posed topless.

–*This woman posed naked for food stamps.

–*This woman posed naked for ethnic nationalism.

–*This man mistook a nerine for a lily and is paying the price in hell.

–*Why schizophrenics are trading in their moms for this murdering alien CIA robot.

–*Watch these 63 million people do something just because everybody else is doing it.

–*Why Americans are ditching their teeth and vomiting on their food like flies.

–*You’re dropping out of school and getting hooked on meth all wrong.

–*This toddler panicked and sold one leg of his strangle option strategy on IBM way too early.

–*The rumors about cardboard are true.

–*Victoria Beckham confesses that she is an optical illusion.

–*Donald Trump demonstrates that love is an optical illusion.

 

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Baltimore, Maryland (API) George Hunsacker, a 50-year-old mechanical engineer from Prince George’s County, was getting a root canal one day last November, and recalls that just as he was getting the finishing touches on his enamel polish, his dentist turned to him and politely asked how he would be footing the bill.

The question came as a surprise for Hunsacker, who had hoped to pay through his employer’s insurance plan as he always had. But his dentist suddenly turned belligerent.

“Insurance?” Hunsacker recalls his dentist saying. “Why don’t you just pay me in chickens? Do I look like a friggin’ idiot?”

The dentist then suggested that Hunsacker call his wife and have her raid all the gold in the house, specifically any gold that might have once belonged to a grandparent or that had been passed down as a family heirloom. When Hunsacker said that the only gold was in his daughter’s mouth, his dentist said, “Well you ought to send her over. I’ll get the pliers warmed up.”

All over the country, such stories have become commonplace as America’s dentists increasingly stop accepting insurance, vouchers and the almost worthless U.S. dollar and start demanding instead up-front payment in gold rings, bracelets, pendants, ingots, bars, and scrap. Gold, they say, is the most stable medium of exchange right now–perhaps the only medium of exchange–at a time when the U.S. economy is in a free-falling spiral into the abyss, its fiat currency a laughingstock of the world.

“There’s only one thing that makes a crown in my office, and that’s gold,” jokes Alec Brommelstein, a DDS in Red Bank, New Jersey. “If you don’t have some gold in your house, then I suggest you lay off sweets, because I’m not fixing your god damn teeth anymore.”

Economists are quick to remind U.S. consumers that no paper currency of the world has ever survived, and the U.S. dollar will likely be no exception.

“It’s been propped up for too long by foreign countries using it as a reserve currency,” says economist Ralph J. Exley, a FOREX trader and former head of the Federal Reserve Bank of Idaho. “Pretty soon though, the Chinese are going to be asking, ‘What do we need this shit for?’ America’s going down the tubes.”

“Kings have used gold since the days of ancient Egypt in 1500 B.C. to run their countries,” said Jack Angstrom, a dentist in Manhattan, Kansas. “Meanwhile, insurance company payouts have not kept up with inflation. That’s why I’m going to have to go in and rip this little girl’s teeth out without any Novocain.  It’s sad, I know, but it’s a fact of life.”

Angstrom then disappeared into a dental suite from which blood-curdling screams emerged moments later. Outside, patients lined up carrying the ductile, malleable and shiny metal in the form of scrap, jewelry and other melted down forms, items often carried in briefcases, on dollies and in baby prams.

Most dentists in recent surveys said that they saw insurance companies as hostile to their business models, with 54% of dentists calling insurance companies “scum bags” and the other 46% calling them “homunculuses with tiny vestigial dicks.”

“The insurance industry has been very good to dentists,” said Simon Kennedy, a spokesperson for the Association of American Insurers. “You can believe me or not. I don’t care. We have a shit load of lobbyists.”

Dentists acknowledge that gold has many drawbacks. It doesn’t pay interest–which represents an opportunity cost–and sits idly while other assets appreciate. There are also costs to hold it. However, Brommelstein says none of this will matter in the end as governments expand the money supply, making the U.S. dollar worthless at the same time global warming turns the world into a Malthusian wasteland where humans are hunted like game animals for sport.

“Insurance is a thing of the past,” he said. “The dollar is the thing of the past. Anything but you giving me the sweet precious luminous metal that is gold is a thing of the past.”

He then turned back to a phone call he was taking.

“If you want me to straighten your god damn son’s teeth for his bar mitzvah, I suggest you bring me some of that sweet, sweet gold,” Brommelstein said into the phone. “Take it off your wife’s god damned finger if you have to.”

Image: djcodrin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (API) Nurse Claire Simonton, an RN at local Hazelton Hospital, has seen many types of patients in varying conditions cross the threshold of her emergency room over the past four years. She’s dealt with overdoses, gunshot wounds, toys swallowed by children, etc. But nothing prepared her for the frankly sickening sight last Friday night when Dr. Saul Jacobs wheeled out an EKG machine for a 15-year-old girl who’d come in with a broken arm, witnesses said.

“Wait a minute,” said Simonton. “That’s an EKG.”

“Yeah,” said Jacobs. “Do you have a problem with that?”

“An EKG?” repeated Simonton, her jaw practically lying on the floor at the utterly flagrant use of an unnecessary procedure meant to overcharge the insurance company. “Really? an EKG.”

“You know, we just want to be sure the girl’s OK.”

“With a broken arm? You’re worried about her having a heart attack? Am I on crack? Am I going blind? Or am I actually watching you bring in an electrocardiogram for this girl?”

Simonton and Jacobs sat picking over this mordant rhetorical question for several minutes while the patient, Nancy Wallis, sat in confused silence holding the broken arm, an injury she’d sustained in a Friday night fender bender.

“I just want to make sure I understand this correctly,” said Simonton, laying on the ironic sing-song rhythms, Jacobs thought, a little bit thick and with a great deal of sanctimony, “That girl has a simple broken arm, and probably just needs a splint. But we’re going to give her an EKG. How about doing an echo-cardiogram as well? Or how about a PET scan on her brain? Or why don’t we do extensive blood work and a stand-up MRI?”

“Well it can never hurt.”

Really?”

“I wish you’d stop saying it like that.”

Simonton and Jacobs traded such barbs for several minutes using lots of patronizing rhetorical flourishes and sneers in the five minute conversation, their icy exchange playing out against the backdrop of the most farcical aspects of American health care, specifically doctors’ declining fees for service, an economic fiasco that has them scrambling to overbill insurers and rip them off however possible through procedure miscoding, double billing and other kinds of accounting shenanigans.

“Gee,” said Simonton looking over the girl. “You don’t seem like you’re about to die of a heart attack at all. How strange. And here I thought you were 80 years old. I guess nobody can really be sure about anything these days unless we’ve first checked it with outrageously expensive modern medical equipment. Why as far as I know, you might have a heart like an 60-year-old obese smoker on steroids.”

“I’m not sure what’s going on,” said the patient. “I just busted up my arm a little. You guys are freaking me out.”

As they wheeled the EKG over to the girl and began performing the expensive procedure, Nurse Simonton continued her stream of wry badinage.

“Oooooh!” said Nurse Simonton. “Her heart looks good. In fact, it looks like any heart you’d find in any 15-year-old girl. How’d that happen, I wonder?”

After 30 minutes the exchange ended when Jacobs went home for the night, first delivering a parting shot.

“You really ought to watch your mouth in front of the patients,” he said.

“Take it up with my union rep, asshole,” answered Simonton.

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