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Want to know a way you can help the world right now? Something you can do with very little effort? (I did it while folding my laundry.) You can call 202-224-3121 and speak with your senators and representative in Washington and tell them to oppose the “Concealed Carry Reciprocity” bills floating through Congress. These bills, if enacted, would force states with strong and effective gun laws to recognize permits from states whose laws are much weaker. It sounds like an innocuous, clinical name, “concealed carry reciprocity,” but it’s very dangerous. It allows the NRA to override and nullify local laws and rob people of the ability to make their own local safety decisions. It is the exact opposite of states’ rights. At the same time, it gives the gun lobby a way to pursue its real agenda, which is to put guns everywhere, when every study with any rigor and reproducibility says more guns equal more violent crime.
 
That’s more risk your family takes on for going to the movies, going to a concert, going to church and going to school. Soon, it could mean extra risk for New Yorkers going to Times Square, where they will have to confront less vetted or unvetted gun carriers.
 
The congressmen who introduced this measure are well funded by the NRA and know that it’s the organization’s top priority. The bills languished temporarily after the recent Las Vegas and Texas mass shootings, but they are moving forward now–this week.
 
Spokespeople in the offices of both my senator and House representative told me the same thing:
 
The best thing to do is call them! 202-224-3121. It takes very little time.
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On Tuesday night, the voters of Massachusetts voted to replace the late Sen. Teddy Kennedy, a longtime liberal stalwart and ardent health care reformer, with a conservative upstart cheered on by the Tea Party movement, a candidate who has vowed to vote against health care reform in the Congress. His nay vote could destroy the Democrats’ plans for reform and lay waste to Kennedy’s signature issue by breaking the party’s filibuster proof 60-seat majority.

Why did the people of Massachusetts, which is a long-time liberal stronghold, suddenly decide to go with Republican candidate Scott Brown?

–*Brown has done everything he can to give the people of Massachusetts universal health care, and he even loves them so much he’s going to go one step further and deny it to everybody else.

–*He promised them change, any kind of change. Waterboarding kind of change.

–*Massachusetts is home to a large number of independent voters who hate politics, lies and game playing. Most of all, they hate the game of “Got yer nose.” They always fall for that. Not this time. They will not fall for that again … d’oh!

–*Independents pride themselves on their skepticism. Which is why they have believed everything Glenn Beck has told them all year about communist infiltration of our bodily fluids. And you can take that to the bank.

–*The people of Massachusetts are fed up with high unemployment and rightly blame the Obama administration for causing the recession when he took office eight years ago or something like that.

–*The people of Massachusetts understand that it is not the government’s job to interfere with the free market. “And by the way,” they ask, “why hasn’t the government given me a job yet when communist renegade leader Pol Pot already would have by now?”

–*The people of Massachusetts understand that employment is a lagging indicator and usually starts to increase at the tail end of a recession, after market rebounds like the one we’re seeing now. No wait. They don’t understand that. Never mind. Throw the bums out! Faster, Pussycat! Kill, kill!

–*There were many reports of light snow in Massachusetts on election night. Only a crazy jackass would drive in the snow.

–*The Democratic candidate, a supposed shoo-in named Martha Coakley, was widely thought to have run a lackluster campaign and pundits complained that her message was little more than “I’m a Democrat.” Coakley’s defenders were obviously too hopeful that, weak as her message was, it stood a good chance against the whole “I want to waterboard Arabs again” message.

–*Massachusetts is a hotbed of political independents who want to take a chance on Brown, hoping that he also has their rugged iconoclastic streak: after all, he is against cap and trade; he believes in cutting taxes during a huge budget crisis; he opposes amnesty for immigrants; he opposes gay marriage; he opposes a tax on banks that have recorded huge profits after taking government stimulus money to stay afloat; and he has the Tea Party seal of approval. In fact, he’s so independent he doesn’t hold any of the beliefs of the people he’s representing.

–*Bay Staters are all sure that the first thing a young Republican Senator with no friends in Congress is going to do is start playing by his own rules and burning bridges with Republican leaders just to show everybody how politically open minded he is. Yeah, that’s really going to happen.

–*They were drunk?

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(Originally posted Friday, December 12, 2008 )

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has recently become embroiled in scandal, after allegedly being caught on an FBI wiretap soliciting bribes for Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat. Not only that, but his reported flagrant behavior, bullying and salaciousness have also shocked Americans.

Now is a good time to review some of the tips of etiquette and manners featured in the book: “Chicago Political Etiquette For Dummies”

Among other rules of etiquette and protocol featured in the book:

–*When currying favor with national figureheads in your own party, always make sure to call them “fucking motherfuckers.” This will show them that you are not the type who ingratiates himself or shows false modesty. A strong politician doesn’t have to be a toadying ass-licking cunt when he rolls Chicago style.

–*When meeting with national leaders, you should wear a crisp boutonniere, pinned over the stem, which makes a strong assertion that you are a political boss with whom one should not ever fuck.

–*Abbreviations should be avoided in business e-mails, especially when you’re asking U.S. Senatorial candidates, “Here’s my dick, who wants to blow?”

–*You should always remove your gloves before shaking hands with people. If they do not respond in kind, they are demeaning your office, and are dangerously close to getting eye-socket-fucked by you.

–*If you buy a birthday cake for somebody and do not finish it, the guest of honor should get all that’s left. Then again, if the guest hasn’t come through with that job for your wife, then maybe you’ll just have to keep the rest of that fucking cake all to yourself.

–*Make sure that whenever you do anything in the political realm such as confer offices, make political appointments or grant pardons, that you demand a quid pro quo from whomever you’re helping. No one will take you seriously if you don’t demand that a tangible value be put on the things you have to give–like Senate seats, construction concessions and Lake Michigan.

–*Be sure to say “fuck” all the time in its noun, verb and adjectival senses. It is rude to your underlings not to show off your considerable political power. They might think you’re being coy, which is never attractive.

–*Be sure to go “outside in” when choosing your eating utensils. It’s rude to do otherwise when you’re shaking down money in return for a new children’s hospital.

–*If your female guests do not know where to put their purses while dancing, suggest that they can shove them straight up their twats unless they’ve got a bit of money inside them to give toward your re-election campaign.

–*Be sure to send thank you cards to all of Chicago’s living and dead voters.

–*Be sure to show a sense of tact, etiquette, dignity, protocol and statesmanship whenever you are addressing the large, rat-fucking contingent of G-men who might be wiretapping you probably right now.

–*You should never have to ask a friend for money when you’ve got the time-honored trick of brazen political extortion in your arsenal. Fuckers.

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