Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Friday, December 12, 2008 )

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has recently become embroiled in scandal, after allegedly being caught on an FBI wiretap soliciting bribes for Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat. Not only that, but his reported flagrant behavior, bullying and salaciousness have also shocked Americans.

Now is a good time to review some of the tips of etiquette and manners featured in the book: “Chicago Political Etiquette For Dummies”

Among other rules of etiquette and protocol featured in the book:

–*When currying favor with national figureheads in your own party, always make sure to call them “fucking motherfuckers.” This will show them that you are not the type who ingratiates himself or shows false modesty. A strong politician doesn’t have to be a toadying ass-licking cunt when he rolls Chicago style.

–*When meeting with national leaders, you should wear a crisp boutonniere, pinned over the stem, which makes a strong assertion that you are a political boss with whom one should not ever fuck.

–*Abbreviations should be avoided in business e-mails, especially when you’re asking U.S. Senatorial candidates, “Here’s my dick, who wants to blow?”

–*You should always remove your gloves before shaking hands with people. If they do not respond in kind, they are demeaning your office, and are dangerously close to getting eye-socket-fucked by you.

–*If you buy a birthday cake for somebody and do not finish it, the guest of honor should get all that’s left. Then again, if the guest hasn’t come through with that job for your wife, then maybe you’ll just have to keep the rest of that fucking cake all to yourself.

–*Make sure that whenever you do anything in the political realm such as confer offices, make political appointments or grant pardons, that you demand a quid pro quo from whomever you’re helping. No one will take you seriously if you don’t demand that a tangible value be put on the things you have to give–like Senate seats, construction concessions and Lake Michigan.

–*Be sure to say “fuck” all the time in its noun, verb and adjectival senses. It is rude to your underlings not to show off your considerable political power. They might think you’re being coy, which is never attractive.

–*Be sure to go “outside in” when choosing your eating utensils. It’s rude to do otherwise when you’re shaking down money in return for a new children’s hospital.

–*If your female guests do not know where to put their purses while dancing, suggest that they can shove them straight up their twats unless they’ve got a bit of money inside them to give toward your re-election campaign.

–*Be sure to send thank you cards to all of Chicago’s living and dead voters.

–*Be sure to show a sense of tact, etiquette, dignity, protocol and statesmanship whenever you are addressing the large, rat-fucking contingent of G-men who might be wiretapping you probably right now.

–*You should never have to ask a friend for money when you’ve got the time-honored trick of brazen political extortion in your arsenal. Fuckers.