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Washington, D.C. (API) As he hoped to keep the country united and uplifted among partisan strife and economic difficulties, Barack Obama delivered his State of the Union address Wednesday to the embattled Congress, seeding his speech with all sorts of double entendre, ironic asides and innuendo in hopes of achieving the impossible and somehow telling everybody in the fractious and polarized republic what they think they want to hear, according to their own level of understanding.

“My fellow Americans,” the president said, “One year ago, I took office amid two wars, an economy rocked by a severe recession, a financial system on the verge of collapse, and a government deeply in debt. But today Americans stand larger than ever.”

Obama took the lectern at a time when the political discourse has been as hostile as ever–when America continues to face two wars, rising debt and economic uncertainty. In such critical times, Obama said that Americans will not abide by political mudslinging in Washington.

“We’ve reached a level of public discourse where we’re warm only in the breaches,” he said.

Obama has been accused this year of political miscalculation, however, and he admitted that his Republican challengers have vigorously questioned his health care policies at a critical time.

“With the failure of health care, however, our hearts are truly in question,” Obama said. “Before he died, Ted Kennedy said he wanted health care for all. I wish the Republican leadership would join him now.”

But in a nod to conservatives’ call for fiscal responsibility, Obama said, “We have tried in the past year to curb Wall Street indulgences, but we haven’t had the right tools to fight. I concede that there are many tools on the other side of the aisle this evening.”

Obama said that experts from across the political spectrum warned last year about a second Great Depression, and that his administration acted immediately and aggressively.

“The worst of the storm has passed,” said Obama, “but the recession still blows.”

Obama said that all politicians, including himself, hated the bank bailout.

“Americans don’t understand why they are unemployed when they’ve played by the rules but Wall Street bankers are rewarded for bad behavior. What does that say to the next generation of Americans getting reared?”

Obama at one point said that the recent Supreme Court ruling allowing corporations to spend an unlimited amount of money on political campaigns would harm democracy, a statement that drew rebuke from certain court justices sitting in the hall.

“Now that the Supreme Court has let corporations and possibly foreigners fund the politicians they favor, you can expect a new kind of crony politician to come in your face,” Obama said.

Obama went on to say that he’s cut taxes on most Americans, a statement that drew applause from several Republicans.

“I’m just want to hear about tax cuts,” said Rep. John Boehner, (R-Ohio). “I wasn’t listening any closer than that.”

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Washington, D.C. (API) A growing number of citizens and lawmakers have grown restive as the Congress fails to take up important legislation this year calling for a large-scale war against the anti-Christ.

“I’m not sure why this effort has been sitting in committee,” says Michelle Olaf, a Republican Congresswoman from North Carolina. “America has long needed strong legislation to defeat the anti-Christ, and the fact that we haven’t shows that we just don’t have the moral resolve to fight evil.

“Even as we speak, poor innocent children are being victimized, buggered and tongue-kissed by evil every second, and blue flames of hell are searing their pristine pink flesh. How can we let this happen in America? These are our children!”

Olaf has held several conference calls on the legislation with parent groups, teachers, community organizers and Fox News. She says the law would strengthen the ability of law enforcement, the FBI, the CIA, the ATF and the clergy, to stamp out evil wherever it resides, whereas now they are hampered by “antiquated laws” like habeas corpus and the Sixth Amendment. It would also give federal authorities more room to pursue investigations against the antichrist that local authorities choose not to. And it would give millions in funding to local authorities to purchase the equipment to find evil and remove it root and branch.

“You can see the pernicious influence of the Beast everywhere in our country,” says Olaf. “He is particularly fond of promising power and redistribution of wealth, most significantly through promises of free health care and childhood welfare programs and other self-aggrandizing measures. He is a self-exalting king. It says quite clearly in the Bible that he will be a sophisticated gentleman and a name dropper.”

Olaf then got on the floor and began praying while speaking in tongues.

“Bozzle bozzle bozzle.”

Among the new items listed in the bill, H.R. 999, are the legalizing of certain forensic testing for seeking out the anti-Christ in all his forms, whether it be through finger-printing, black lighting, DNA testing or a “Sulfur Alert.” Likenesses of the antichrist would show up in every U.S. post office as Jesus depicted him in Chapter 13 of Revelations: a creature likely having seven heads and ten horns, each with a crown.

A special coordinated effort between law enforcement, seminarians and cryptozoologists would furthermore be deployed around the country to seek out any hybrid creatures such as bears with lion feet and dragon heads. Also, anybody who questions that Jesus was God made flesh is likely to be under suspicion of having antichrist-like qualities.

Democrats in Congress gave a measured response.

“What the fuck is this fucking woman ranting about?” asked Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank. “Shouldn’t she be wearing a crash helmet or something? Am I actually having a debate about this with grown-ups? Are you people just an Angel Dust fantasy I’m having? What the fuck?”

Olaf said, “We’re wasting our time in Congress on things like the health care bill, TARP money to shore up the financial system and the Matthew Shepard Act. Nobody has any real priorities here. It’s just a lot of heedless self-interest confounding the efforts of good people to fight evil. Bozzle bozzle bozzle….”

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What are some of the lyrics often misheard on the radio?

Purple Haze
By Jimi Hendrix
Actual lyric: “Scuse me while I kiss the sky.”
Misheard: “Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”

The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight
by REM
Actual lyric: “Call me when you try to wake her up.”
Misheard: “Call me in Talladega”

Bohemian Rhapsody
by Queen
Actual lyrics: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.”
Misheard lyric: “The algebra, the devil and a side of beef”

Jumpin’ Jack Flash
By The Rolling Stones
Actual lyric, “I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled.”
Misheard Lyric: “I fell down on Herve Villechaize.”

Life in the Fast Lane
by The Eagles
Actual Lyric: “Life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind.”
Misheard Lyric: “Life in fat lane, surely make you lose your pie.”

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
By Cyndi Lauper
Actual lyric: “When the working day is done, girls just want to have fun.”
Misheard lyric: “At the end of the day, all girls just want to be lesbians.”

Relax
By Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Actual lyric: “Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come.”
Misheard Lyric: “Relax! Have a good time with your best buddy.”

Oops! I Did It Again
By Britney Spears
Actual lyric: “I’m not that innocent.”
Misheard lyric: “If you try to have sex with me, technically it’s statutory rape.”

Yesterday
By The Beatles
Actual lyric: “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.”
Misheard lyric: “Lead the black man to violent overthrow, Charlie! You, Charlie Manson, We’re talking to you!”

Get The Party Started
By Pink
Actual lyric: “I’m coming up so you better get this party started.”
Misheard lyric: “I have no accountability to anybody and you can all kiss my ass.”

Jesus Take The Wheel
By Carrie Underwood
Actual lyric: “Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can’t do this on my own.”
Misheard lyric: “The Democratic Party wants to kill your special needs baby.”

Beer For My Horses
By Toby Keith
Actual lyric: “You got to draw a hard line.”
Misheard lyric: “The Geneva Convention does not apply to enemy combatants.”

Clouds
By Joni Mitchell
Actual lyric: “I really don’t know clouds at all.”
Misheard lyric: “Obama is the anti-Christ.”

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If you’re like me, you’re always looking for new ways to get people to visit your blog. It’s fun to create a community and get people talking about the important subjects of the day.

But many people are unsure how to get their blog seen and make sure their voices are getting heard. That’s where it’s helpful to know a few tricks of the blogging trade.

The secret is tags. These are the subject words that people search for–the things they are most interested in, and the items they plug into popular Web browsers like Google and Yahoo and Bing.

And the biggest secret of all is that you have to use the tag word “kittens” at all times, no matter what you’re talking about.

Let’s say that you’ve just done an excellent blog post on the state of the stock market. As we all know, it’s been a tough year. Stocks plummeted last September, and the American economy is largely thought to be in a tailspin because of the antics of a few no-goodniks such as those who sold bad mortgages and tried to palm off the bad debt on insurance companies and investment banks. Let’s say you’ve got a Nobel prize on the subject and you really want to get the word out that people were not paying attention to the market’s systemic risk when they looked for 10% annualized returns. You are biting your nails, because you are the only person you think in the world who understands that the algorithms just aren’t taking into account all the stochiastic random elements that cause markets to collapse. You worry that portfolios will be smashed and retirees rendered homeless.

Now say that out loud. You sound pretty dull, don’t you? Would you want to read that yourself? Probably not. It’s OK to laugh. We’ve all sounded like a self-important asshole at some time or another.

But that’s OK; fear not.

All you have to do is turn it all it around! If you had just added the word “kittens” to your tag, you’d have millions of people at your doorstep just dying to hear all about your dry “systemic risk” stuff.

Try this instead when you’re tagging: “derivatives,” “Lehman Brothers,” “Paulson,” “Goldman Sachs,” “conflict of interest,” “kittens,” “kitten in box,” “kittens with yarn.”

Or maybe you’ve got questions about the current health care plan in Congress, House Bill 3200: America’s Affordable Health Choices Act of 2009. Now health care is a confusing topic. Maybe you are a patient who has no insurance. Maybe you’re a doctor who is worried about out-of-control legal costs. Maybe you’re worried that too much government intervention would distort rational, efficient pricing of health goods and services. Perhaps you find it immoral that America is rated 37 on the World Health Organziation’s chart of best health care because of our lack of services to the impoverished.

Well, that’s all well and good, but … is that all you’ve got? Really? Is that your pitch? Where’s the hook? Where’s the sizzle that sells the steak? How do you ever think you’re going to fish in the kind of readership you want with a lot of fancy words that go over people’s heads? Aren’t you talking up your own wazoo a little bit here?

Try this on for size, and add these tags: “health care,” “Obama,” “socialism,” “kittens,” “Momma,” “meow.”

Why, before you know it, you’ll have millions of people coming to your blog to hear what your problems are with the new 1,000 word health care bill, or maybe they’ll just be looking for your kitten videos. You can offer them one or both. It doesn’t matter! All that matters is that you’ve engaged your potential readership with language they can understand and you’ve brought them important information on a topic that will be important to them in the future, if not right this second.

After all, most people are only thinking about what’s going on this second. The future is a scary place! Would you want to live there? No! In the future, we’re all dead. But right now, in this moment, we have to enjoy the little things, and what we enjoy most is bright, furry, cuddly, fuzzy felines.

Perhaps you have been following the latest gossip about Pakistan and its unsecure nuclear weapons installations, which are dangerously close to the front lines in a war against fundamentalist Muslim Taliban militants who have already begun making strikes against nuclear labs, perhaps in an effort to steal technology. You may have spent your entire life in the intelligence community and know more about the real dangers than almost anyone else. You spend so much time thinking about nuclear Holocaust that you can’t sleep and it’s making you crazy in a way that literally changes the color of your urine.

But in the end, doesn’t that make you kind of a smarmy know-it-all? I mean, if you’re going to bring passionate, thoughtful national security items to the forefront of our dialogue, you’ve got to know how to speak the language of everyday folk. And what could be more heartwarming than pictures of kittens nursing at mama cat’s milk-swollen belly?

Don’t believe me? Try these tags and get results: “Pakistan,” and “nuclear facilities,” “Wiki Maps,” “Taliban,” “nuclear stockpiles,” “rogue states,” “black market,” “terrorist groups,” “kittens,” “nursing,” “meow, meow,” “vomit,” “hairball,” “poop,” “Roomba fight,” “vacuum cleaner.”

See, aren’t you already starting to see how the right kind of tagging will get your blog instant validation and notoriety?

People love kittens with great passion–almost as much as they hate the threat of nuclear annihilation. What you’ve got to do as a blogger is pick up on the topics of the day if you want to become a tastemaker, a pace setter and a thought leader. But you’ll never get there if you don’t learn the tricks of the Web world. So stop sucking your thumb and start thinking like a Web champion.

Don’t think in abstractions your whole life, think in fun, vibrant tags, whether it be “cat,” or “kitten,” or even “warm pussy.” And soon you’ll be getting the drift.

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(Originally posted Friday, December 12, 2008 )

Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has recently become embroiled in scandal, after allegedly being caught on an FBI wiretap soliciting bribes for Barack Obama’s vacated Senate seat. Not only that, but his reported flagrant behavior, bullying and salaciousness have also shocked Americans.

Now is a good time to review some of the tips of etiquette and manners featured in the book: “Chicago Political Etiquette For Dummies”

Among other rules of etiquette and protocol featured in the book:

–*When currying favor with national figureheads in your own party, always make sure to call them “fucking motherfuckers.” This will show them that you are not the type who ingratiates himself or shows false modesty. A strong politician doesn’t have to be a toadying ass-licking cunt when he rolls Chicago style.

–*When meeting with national leaders, you should wear a crisp boutonniere, pinned over the stem, which makes a strong assertion that you are a political boss with whom one should not ever fuck.

–*Abbreviations should be avoided in business e-mails, especially when you’re asking U.S. Senatorial candidates, “Here’s my dick, who wants to blow?”

–*You should always remove your gloves before shaking hands with people. If they do not respond in kind, they are demeaning your office, and are dangerously close to getting eye-socket-fucked by you.

–*If you buy a birthday cake for somebody and do not finish it, the guest of honor should get all that’s left. Then again, if the guest hasn’t come through with that job for your wife, then maybe you’ll just have to keep the rest of that fucking cake all to yourself.

–*Make sure that whenever you do anything in the political realm such as confer offices, make political appointments or grant pardons, that you demand a quid pro quo from whomever you’re helping. No one will take you seriously if you don’t demand that a tangible value be put on the things you have to give–like Senate seats, construction concessions and Lake Michigan.

–*Be sure to say “fuck” all the time in its noun, verb and adjectival senses. It is rude to your underlings not to show off your considerable political power. They might think you’re being coy, which is never attractive.

–*Be sure to go “outside in” when choosing your eating utensils. It’s rude to do otherwise when you’re shaking down money in return for a new children’s hospital.

–*If your female guests do not know where to put their purses while dancing, suggest that they can shove them straight up their twats unless they’ve got a bit of money inside them to give toward your re-election campaign.

–*Be sure to send thank you cards to all of Chicago’s living and dead voters.

–*Be sure to show a sense of tact, etiquette, dignity, protocol and statesmanship whenever you are addressing the large, rat-fucking contingent of G-men who might be wiretapping you probably right now.

–*You should never have to ask a friend for money when you’ve got the time-honored trick of brazen political extortion in your arsenal. Fuckers.

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(Originally posted Monday, October 29, 2007)

Top Internet Myths Being Debunked By Snopes.com

–*Ramadan is a Muslim holiday meant to celebrate the attacks against America on 9/11.

–*Diet Coke, when drunk every day for a year, erases all the memories of life between ages 5 and 12.

–*Barack Obama is first cousin of Saddam Hussein and Osama Bin Laden and his wife wears a hijab.

–*Mexican nationals in this country illegally have already annexed certain portions of Los Angeles.

–*The Statue of Liberty is a natural formation sculpted by wind and rain.

–*There was a spike in birth rates nine months after Sept. 11, 2001, nine months after the August 2003 blackout in the American northeast, and nine months after the final episode of “Friends.”

–*Construction workers sifting through the rubble at the World Trade Center site found I-beams in the shape of a minus sign, a double integral, an ancient Indian mandala, a happy face, and the Starbucks logo.

–*Osama bin Laden owns Snapple, Wrigley’s Spearmint gum, and the entire Beatles back catalogue.

–*A good way to remove an embedded tick is to blow it off with a .9 mm Glock.

–*Atheist groups pressured Congress to have the hit TV series “Touched By An Angel” changed to “Disabused of Some Stupid Ideas By An Atheist.”

–*Albert Einstein said that compound interest was the most powerful force in the universe, and in the same statement coined the phrase “I gots to get paid!”

–*The band Kiss’s name is an acronym for “Kids in the service of Soupy Sales.”

–*The Chevy Nova didn’t sell in Mexico because “no va” means “it doesn’t go,” and this was followed by the even bigger failure of a car whose translated name means, “I shit in your milk.”

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