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Washington, D.C. (API) A growing number of citizens and lawmakers have grown restive as the Congress fails to take up important legislation this year calling for a large-scale war against the anti-Christ.

“I’m not sure why this effort has been sitting in committee,” says Michelle Olaf, a Republican Congresswoman from North Carolina. “America has long needed strong legislation to defeat the anti-Christ, and the fact that we haven’t shows that we just don’t have the moral resolve to fight evil.

“Even as we speak, poor innocent children are being victimized, buggered and tongue-kissed by evil every second, and blue flames of hell are searing their pristine pink flesh. How can we let this happen in America? These are our children!”

Olaf has held several conference calls on the legislation with parent groups, teachers, community organizers and Fox News. She says the law would strengthen the ability of law enforcement, the FBI, the CIA, the ATF and the clergy, to stamp out evil wherever it resides, whereas now they are hampered by “antiquated laws” like habeas corpus and the Sixth Amendment. It would also give federal authorities more room to pursue investigations against the antichrist that local authorities choose not to. And it would give millions in funding to local authorities to purchase the equipment to find evil and remove it root and branch.

“You can see the pernicious influence of the Beast everywhere in our country,” says Olaf. “He is particularly fond of promising power and redistribution of wealth, most significantly through promises of free health care and childhood welfare programs and other self-aggrandizing measures. He is a self-exalting king. It says quite clearly in the Bible that he will be a sophisticated gentleman and a name dropper.”

Olaf then got on the floor and began praying while speaking in tongues.

“Bozzle bozzle bozzle.”

Among the new items listed in the bill, H.R. 999, are the legalizing of certain forensic testing for seeking out the anti-Christ in all his forms, whether it be through finger-printing, black lighting, DNA testing or a “Sulfur Alert.” Likenesses of the antichrist would show up in every U.S. post office as Jesus depicted him in Chapter 13 of Revelations: a creature likely having seven heads and ten horns, each with a crown.

A special coordinated effort between law enforcement, seminarians and cryptozoologists would furthermore be deployed around the country to seek out any hybrid creatures such as bears with lion feet and dragon heads. Also, anybody who questions that Jesus was God made flesh is likely to be under suspicion of having antichrist-like qualities.

Democrats in Congress gave a measured response.

“What the fuck is this fucking woman ranting about?” asked Massachusetts Rep. Barney Frank. “Shouldn’t she be wearing a crash helmet or something? Am I actually having a debate about this with grown-ups? Are you people just an Angel Dust fantasy I’m having? What the fuck?”

Olaf said, “We’re wasting our time in Congress on things like the health care bill, TARP money to shore up the financial system and the Matthew Shepard Act. Nobody has any real priorities here. It’s just a lot of heedless self-interest confounding the efforts of good people to fight evil. Bozzle bozzle bozzle….”

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What are some of the lyrics often misheard on the radio?

Purple Haze
By Jimi Hendrix
Actual lyric: “Scuse me while I kiss the sky.”
Misheard: “Scuse me while I kiss this guy.”

The Sidewinder Sleeps Tonight
by REM
Actual lyric: “Call me when you try to wake her up.”
Misheard: “Call me in Talladega”

Bohemian Rhapsody
by Queen
Actual lyrics: “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me.”
Misheard lyric: “The algebra, the devil and a side of beef”

Jumpin’ Jack Flash
By The Rolling Stones
Actual lyric, “I fell down to my feet and I saw they bled.”
Misheard Lyric: “I fell down on Herve Villechaize.”

Life in the Fast Lane
by The Eagles
Actual Lyric: “Life in the fast lane, surely make you lose your mind.”
Misheard Lyric: “Life in fat lane, surely make you lose your pie.”

Girls Just Want To Have Fun
By Cyndi Lauper
Actual lyric: “When the working day is done, girls just want to have fun.”
Misheard lyric: “At the end of the day, all girls just want to be lesbians.”

Relax
By Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Actual lyric: “Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come.”
Misheard Lyric: “Relax! Have a good time with your best buddy.”

Oops! I Did It Again
By Britney Spears
Actual lyric: “I’m not that innocent.”
Misheard lyric: “If you try to have sex with me, technically it’s statutory rape.”

Yesterday
By The Beatles
Actual lyric: “Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.”
Misheard lyric: “Lead the black man to violent overthrow, Charlie! You, Charlie Manson, We’re talking to you!”

Get The Party Started
By Pink
Actual lyric: “I’m coming up so you better get this party started.”
Misheard lyric: “I have no accountability to anybody and you can all kiss my ass.”

Jesus Take The Wheel
By Carrie Underwood
Actual lyric: “Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, cause I can’t do this on my own.”
Misheard lyric: “The Democratic Party wants to kill your special needs baby.”

Beer For My Horses
By Toby Keith
Actual lyric: “You got to draw a hard line.”
Misheard lyric: “The Geneva Convention does not apply to enemy combatants.”

Clouds
By Joni Mitchell
Actual lyric: “I really don’t know clouds at all.”
Misheard lyric: “Obama is the anti-Christ.”

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