Beauty is Imperfection

(Originally posted Monday, January 28, 2008 )

Someone on Facebook thinks you’re cute in a heterosexual way!

Someone on Facebook wants to know how bad you are at geography, math and logic problems.

Someone on Facebook wants to know how you’d like him to spend the last days of his lame duck presidency.

Someone on Facebook wants to know which candidate you’re going to vote for, even though it’s none of their damn business.

Someone on Facebook wants to know which country you’d like to invade next.

Someone on Facebook wants to know which cartoon character you’re most sexually attracted to in an eerie, unsettling way.

Someone on Facebook wants to know who is the hottest, most beautiful seven-months pregnant female celebrity you’d like to have sex with (a PFCILF, for short!): Jamie-Lynn Spears, Christina Aguilera, Angelina Jolie or Jessica Alba?

Someone on Facebook wants to know where you stand on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict so that they can decide if you’re their mortal enemy.

Someone on Facebook has challenged you to the take the quiz: Which offensive joke involving a woman’s private parts goes with which punchline? Hint: the first one is “so you can take her home like a six pack!”

Someone on Facebook wants to have hate sex with you.

Someone on Facebook wants to know how well you know gang signs.

Someone on Facebook wants to know which prisons you’ve done hard time in.

Someone on Facebook wants to know which celebrity you’d like to stalk and kill.

Someone on Facebook wants to know how you found their real phone number.

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(Originally posted Sunday, January 27, 2008 )

–*Bill O’Reilly’s ‘Piece of Me’ Chip

–*Fred Thompson’s Drag Ass Butternut

–*Bill Kristol’s Neo Neo Neapolitan Mud Slime

–*Richard Mellon Scaife’s Melon Bawler Sorbet

–*Jeane Kirkpatrick’s Angry Authoritarian Spoonful

–*Ronald Reagan’s Small Government Vanilla Mixed With Shadow Government Chocolate

–*Alan Keyes’ Lots o’ Nuts

–*Tricky Dick’s “Hand Caught In The Cookie Dough”

–*Mike Huckabee’s Populist Peach Cobbler Flake

–*Spiro Agnew’s Granola Kill

–*William F. Buckley’s Black Plumber Custard

–*Pat Robertson’s Totally Senile Gelato

Do your part. Add to my list, Sports Fans.

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(Originally posted Saturday, January 26, 2008 )

“I never said I was perfect, Tyra. I’m in this to win.”

“This is your chance to apologize, Keisha. Will you accept the challenge?”

“My super-model, super-self name is Saline Enema! Because I’m sentimental.”

“Modeling is extreme. It’s like Vietnam!”

“Being a model is more than just flashing a smile. It means eating your buddy in the snow on a mountain in the Andes. Do you understand that, La Fonda?”

“Today your job is to kill an elk with your bare hands and teeth.”

“Until you’ve lived in the sewer and drunk your own pus, you will never be a top model!”

“I want you to go upstairs, pack your toothbrush, your panties, your thongs, your bathing suit, your skivvies, your lunchables, your steak-uums, your lingerie, your pet ferret, your ermine stole, your ashtray, your defibrillator kit, your depilatory acid, your vaginal steam dilator and your crack pipe … and go.”

“If you say ‘Ra-Nay-Nay’ again, I’m going to punch you in the ear drum with a screwdriver!”

“Britney, your evil shows in every turn. And it is bright and shining!”

“Cordelia reminds me of a violent salad!”

“You don’t let your guard down, Lefecal, and you’ve got to, even when people throw matches at your face! That’s what being a model means!”

“Polly, you’ve got to keep the crazy inside!”

“In this envelope, I’ve got three highly airbrushed nausea-inducing pictures of you having sex with horses.”

“Your next task is to find the person within you who is not a sociopath.”

“I am an anarchist, a rebel, a slut and a trained nurse technician, Tyra!”

“You are the most beautiful girl here, La Fobo, but America can’t see it when you have all those pock marks from years of taking prescription lithium.”

“No one was talking to you, Janice. Shut up, you stupid twat!”

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(Originally posted Friday, January 25, 2008 )

Random Google Searches For Today, Jan. 25

Heath+Ledger

Heath+Ledger+Dead

Heath+Ledger+Dead+Naked

Heath+Ledger+Dead+Naked+Massesess

Heath+Ledger+Dead+Naked+Masseuse

Ledger+Masseuse + “911”

Ledger + Masseuse + “Mary Kate Olsen”

Ledger + Masseuse + “called Mary Kate three times” + “before 911”

“Why don’t celebrities have to call the police?”

“Are celebrities better than other people?”

“Are celebrities better than me?”

“Are celebrities better than I?”

“Dunkin Doughnuts”

“Dunkin’ Doughnuts” + “Madison, Wisconsin”

“Dunkin’ Doughnuts” + “obese”

Heath+Ledger+weight

Heath+Ledger+dead weight

Heath+Ledger+ “gay cowboy”

“Gay cowboys”+ “Madison, Wisconsin”

“Where do I find a gay cowboy in Madison, Wisconsin?”

Heath+Ledger+ “prescription drugs”

“Did prescription drugs kill Heath Ledger?”

“could prescription drugs kill me?”

“Is my doctor trying to kill me?

“Is Pfizer trying to kill me?”

“Is Pfizer trying to kill Heath Ledger?”

“Am I going to die from prescription drugs?”

“Am I going to die from Dunkin’ Doughnuts?”

“If Heath Ledger can die, does that mean I can too?”

Psychologist + “Madison, Wis.”

“Madison, Wis.” + “Bus schedule”

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(Originally posted Friday, January 25, 2008 )

2 CBS
An hour of aspirin commercials as writer’s strike continues

3 CNBC
Wall Street Week talks about how all the borrowing going on among rich people is going to turn the dollar into a piece of toilet paper

4 NBC
Celebrity Apprentice: Gene Simmons Licks ‘Big Pussy’

7 ABC
Just What the Doctor Ordered: A Repeat of a Grey’s Anatomy Love Triangle.

7 ABC
An all new version of our new sitcom “Pricks.”

22 Fox News
“Fox News Is Sorry”

23 E! Entertainment
E News: Heath Ledger Quits Us

23 E! Entertainment
E’s Top 10 People Whom Celebrities Call In The Event of An Emergency Before They Dial 9-1-1. No. 1: Call Mary Kate.

25 Headline News
Nancy Grace: Lawyer Interrupted

27 Fit TV
Legs and Glutes and Spines

28 Food
Emeril Cooks Legs and Glutes and Spines

29 HBO
Showing You the Kind of Straight To Video Crap They Didn’t Bother To Bring to a Theater and Then Charging You a Premium For It, Suckers

30 Fuse
Amy Winehouse sings a bluesy number that somehow makes the word “Recidivism” extra cool

38 CNN
A new series: Anderson Cooper In A Hairshirt Suffering For Your Ignorance

29 VH-1
Brigitte Nielsen slips from one nightmarish reality series to another as if each were a chamber in Dante’s version of Hell, and is likely in the last to be eaten by the Molloch.

30 Sundance
“Not Even The Rain Has Such Small Hands,” And Other Poetic Ruminations From Prison

31 Weather
No, not weather. Informercial. Screw you!

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(Originally posted Thursday, January 24, 2008 )

What Does Your Celebrity Brand Fragrance Say About You?

–*I’m a high school drop-out with good theatrical instincts, two Best Supporting Actor nods, and a need for Ambien. My scent is nutty and jejune.

–*I’m a limousine liberal who courts socialist politics and has a female doctor on call 24-7. My scent is like unripe persimmons and anisette and the pheromones of a ruminatory animal in rut.

–*I’ve got an MFA from Yale, but wasn’t famous until I did multiple slasher films topless. My scent is boysenberry and ivy with a touch of French crepe.

–*I’m a basketball player turned rap star turned actor. My scent smells like sweat and salted peanuts at a Chicago Bulls away game.

–*I’m a 50-year-old housewife turned comedienne. My scent is apple sours and Lysol.

–*I’m an alcoholic from the Royal Shakespeare Company who has made a fortune in Hollywood playing serial vivisectionists. My scent is woods on a snowy evening meets Brit Ekland’s snatch.

–*I’m a homosexual bear who plays the understanding father in teen comedies. My scent is rough hewn outdoor pine, old spice and KY.

–*I played Mork from Ork. My scent is herbal teas, bay rum and gummy bears.

–*I’m an English Dame who has won multiple Oscars with a voice like a man after 50 years of smoking acrid brown French fags. My scent is nicotine and unset plaster of Paris with a douse of lemon.

–*I’m Fred Thompson. My scent is manly musk, single-malt scotch and pancake makeup, and with the strength of my manly androgens and lots of free time, I’m now prepared to fuck you senseless.

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(Originally posted Tuesday, January 22, 2008 )

A List of Current Public Service Announcements

“Beer: It’s Not a Substitute For Love.” Paid for by the Oklahoma Psychiatric Association

“Beer: Less Messy Than Masturbation” Paid for by the Texas Bar Owners Assocaition

“Prophylactics: It’s what you buy with the beer.” Paid for by Kansas City Planned Parenthood

“Erotic Strangulation: It can mess up your future.” Paid for by Mothers Against Erotic Strangulation.

“Ritalin: It’s What’s For Dinner.” Paid for by the American Pharmaceutical Association.

“Genocide: It’s what you did to the Indians.” Paid for by the government of Turkey.

“Trepanning: You’d Have To Have a Hole In Your Head To Do It.” Paid for by Catholics Against Trepanning.”

“Dumpsters: It’s Not Where You Put The Unplanned Baby,” Paid for by the American Dumpster Association.

“Just Say No To Compulsive Hair Pulling,” Paid for by the Trichotillomaniacs Alliance.

“Just Say No To Compulsive Plastic Surgery”

“Just Say No To Compulsion”

“Just Say ‘No’ When Your Entire African Village Comes To Circumcise Your Clitoris,” Paid for by Concerned Citizens of Dubuque.

“Don’t lay that trash on Abe Vigoda.” Paid for by Abe Vigoda.

“Pornography: It’s What Kept Your Marriage Together.” Paid for by the San Fernando Valley Chamber of Commerce.

“Breast Feeding: I Don’t Want To See That!” Paid for by the Association of Gentleman’s Clubs.

“Ugly People: We’re The Ones Making You Look Good.” Paid for by Association of the Pulchritudinally Challenged.

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(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )

Hey all,

We put my film “S&M Queen For A Day” up on the “Funny or Die” site, the one that Will Ferrell is doing. Though you might have already seen the film here and on YouTube, please consider going over and watching it again on the new site to give it a “Funny” vote (rather than a “die” vote).

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a31488eae7

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(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )

I’ve noticed recently that marketers are making spam messages more personalized to get your attention. What are some of the more intriguing spam messages out there?

–*”Hey! I was just hittin’ people up on their profiles, and your site looked dope. Thought I’d rock the company with ya in my Jacuzzi if you want. Nothin’ serious. Just kickin’ it with some 420 and ma naked sistas. Chat me up, beaatch, on my chatline: Scabwhore8220.”

–*”Hey, I was cruisin the Myspace and saw your profile. Yo’ site is tight, cuz. <3s me some of yo tight buns. And I sure knows you’s down with the dope insurance policies I’s be sellin.” Das right. I got some stupid fresh term life for yo’ playa ass! So rock dat shit, beatch, and chat me up on ma chat line: Edmund@statefarm.com.”

–*Look, I’m sorry what I said. You were right and I was wrong. It’s just that sometimes the things you say can hurt, because it’s really what you’re NOT saying that makes all the difference.Your silence is deafening. And that’s why you have such a hold on my heart. Please, you. Don’t be a stranger. … And by the way, do you want some generic Ritalin? Hit me up at http://www.genericmeds.com/sally.&#8221;

–* “Yo, I was just checkin’ out your site and your music’s got mad flow, cuz. I’d hit that two times. Hit me up with some advice, quick like bunny at http://www.alcoholicseizure.net with some advice about my old lady. She’s gon’ die fo shizzle dizzle if you don’t call a ambyoolance, G.! Oh, and buy some Viagra. Word!”

–*Hey, your site looks like you’ve got depressed vagina syndrome. You should check out our online p.h.a.r.m.a.c.y. where you can score all the d.o.p.e. m.e.d.s. for your s.a.g.g.i.n.g. l.a.b.i.a at (meds.pharmacy.org@aol.com). :))))

–*Ur 2 sharp, mang. Luvs to share some Charlie and 8-ballz at yer place ifyawanna go4it. Feelin’ mental, mang. Love, your mom.

–*Hi there. I NEVER thought that I would have the courage to do this, but what the hay! I liked your profile, LOL. People say I am a cutie. And well built to boot. That’s why my user name is goodkisses87@yahoo. And because you seemed so cool, it seems like you would be a good person to buy a black market kidney from me. It’s totally refrigerated and everything. If you know anybody with end-stage renal disease, then you’ve totally got to take this monkey offa my back! This is totally not the kind of kidney that your body would reject. It’s just too good a kidney. So hit me up with somebody who is already sensitized to HLA and minor antigens if possible. Love, Kindra. Peace.

–*Hey you. I’m only saying this because you’re a good friend and you took a hit for me once. So I know you won’t mind if I tell you that 1,000 docs agree women like it longer. Don’t fear your small junk. Make a call today. Call Horst@peterpills.com.

–*Hey <<33’s your pic. You ought to add me at prisonfurlough138.net.

–*Hey, ma niggaz, I liked your profile and thought we could hang. We ought to talk some straight dope and 86 the game playin’, you know what I’m sayin’? Hit me up at “JohnMcCainforPresident@yahoo.com.”

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(Originally posted Monday, January 21, 2008 )

Top 10 New Medical Expressions

Nosocomical: a joke that’s only funny in a hospital

Iambic Hypoplasia: a stunted ability to understand Shakespeare

Super-coprophagialistic-expialidocious-the desire to play scatological sex games with an English nanny

Zoofroteurism-nonconsensual sexual rubbing against a woodland creature

Trichotillobotomy-a pulling of the hair until one’s brain splits in half

Postnuptial depression – the inevitable feelings of despair and dejection one feels after getting married

Bovine spongiform telepathy -the ability to move a mad cow onto the roof with your mind

Bradytachycardia-decreased heartbeat as a result of watching TV reruns
Toxospasmosis — blood poisoning that makes you uncool

Cephalalgia — what you call a headache if you’re a smart-ass know-it-all asshole doctor

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