Archive for February 14th, 2009

(Originally posted Monday, May 26, 2008 )

Sitcom: At the sound of the dulcet piano tones, the mediocrity will begin

Kelsey Grammer remains on celebrity welfare

American Gladiators: Female business consultant gets repeatedly kicked in the face as people without advanced degrees cheer on.

5 Fox
A big sucking vacuum where American Idol used to be

6 Bravo
A new fashion show: “Does This Really Look Good, Or Are You Trying To Turn Me Into A Little Bitch Boy?”

10 CNN
Larry King will meet the American Idol finalists and learn all about American Idol, whatever that may be.

12 CMT
Thus Spake Foxworthy

21 E! Entertainment Television
Denise Richards: It’s All Pretty Obvious

Boxing: Middle Weights Race To Brain Damage

24 National Geographic
Mt. Everest Climbers Will Take Your Stunningly Bad Odds

25 A&E
A repackaged version of a bad 40-year-old novel by hack Michael Crichton that is sure to expunge the memory of the unreadable book

26 Comedy Central
Libertarians Telling Fart Jokes

27 Cinemax
Tyler Perry finally creates the remake of the Japanese pornographic castration classic In The Realm of the Senses that we’ve all been waiting for

28 Discovery Channel
Meet the Caribbean Indians who become paralyzed from the neck down so that you can eat at Red Lobster

29 History Channel
Would it be too much to ask for, like, one show on the Gothic migrations or something like that? Or do I have to sit through more nonsense like “Monster Quest,” a cryptozoology show that would be much better fare for a cable access show watched by guys with five foot bongs?

30 HBO
A movie in which we point the camera at Seth Rogan and hope that he’s funny.

31 HBO2
A movie in which we relive the 2000 Florida recount and hope that it’s funny

32 Showtime
With Anne Boleyn gone, “The Tudors” moves at a snail’s pace during its third season and we are treated to much grousing by Henry VIII about his leg ulcers.

33 Lifetime
“Sex and the Single Mom”: The arrival of Grant Show induces labor in pregnant single woman

42 Cinemax
Prehensile Attractions

43 Disney
Hannah Montana feeds your family, bitch. So why don’t you go get Hannah Montana a Diet Coke before Hannah Montana ends you.

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(Originally posted Saturday, May 24, 2008 )

Brother Gene Justice sent this to me first. I passed it along on Facebook, but let’s not forget MySpace. For those of you who haven’t seen this, enjoy:

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(Originally posted Saturday, May 24, 2008 )

–*What About Me?

–*I Said Are You Listening To Me, Mr. Man?

–*Look, God Damnit, Look Over Here. At Me

–*You’re Not Going To Stop Lookin’ In My Direction

–*You Can’t Stop A Dream When It’s Sitting Athwart Your Path Blocking Your Way

–*You Can’t Stop This Dream From Throwing Itself At You Bodily

–*You’re Gonna Love Some of This, So Help Me, Look Over Here

–*We Are Like A Family…Are You Listening To Me?

–*I Will Be Heard. So Help Me I’ll Kill Your Children But I Will Be Heard

–*Open Your Eyes And Look At Me Before I Sit On You

–*This Dream Will Pin You To The Carpet By the Shoulders and Count to Three If You Don’t Watch Out

–*This Is My Dream, and It Will Kick at Your Heart and Stop It From Beating If You Try To Stop It

–*I’m Fat and On Welfare

–*Look at Me and My Child. We Won’t Be Denied

–*Mother Flipping Jesus With the Clap, You’re Gonna Love Me!

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How Did We Go Too Far?

(Originally posted Thursday, May 22, 2008 )

–*By asking our female colleague if she wanted some breasts with her coffee.

–*Doing the penis in the popcorn box

–*Telling the story about the ex-girlfriend during the wedding toast for your brother

–*… even the abortion part

–*Telling the fist-fuck joke at the bar mitzvah

–*… while cutting the challa

–*Spilling the beans about the drinking problem to a really cute guy even though you’re nowhere even near step 5 in the program.

–*Showing your boobs at work as a wrong-headed way to affirm your feelings of being attractive even though it is ephemeral and will not get you respect in the long term

–*…at Suicidegirls.com

–*Showing your boobs at work as a wrong-headed way to reaffirm your attractiveness to former president Bill Clinton.

–*Defining yourself mainly sexually by claiming to your new boss that you slept with all of your old colleagues at the “National Review,” even though the lot of them, being nerdy types, were likely very grateful.

–*Being Ann Coulter

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What Could Be Worse?

(Originally posted Wednesday, May 21, 2008 )

What Could Be Worse Than A Bryan Adams Medley on American Idol?

–*A trepanning

–*Having our scrotums shaved by the Manson Family

–*Q-Tipping our inner ears with our fingernails until we touch brain

–*Having a large beefy scrofula on our necks and trying to hide it uncomfortably during a party at Tavern on the Green with a monogrammed wedding napkin

–*Having a tongue covered with papillomas

–*Drinking a masonry jar full of the sweat of WWF wrestlers

–*Having our bowels eaten by a three-headed hell hound burrowed deep inside our stomachs

–*…on a stalled elevator

–*…in Orlando

–*Shitting shards of glass

–*…while talking to an insurance agent about term life

–*…in Orlando

–*A suppurating appendix in Haiti

–*A gunshot wound to the stomach

–*…when one to the head would be a lot more merciful.

And so you ask, Eric why are you watching if you don’t like the dulcet tones of Bryan? Well, I wish I could get away from his banality for two seconds, but unfortunately, his music pollutes elevators, drug stores, AM radio and every other place I might try to walk freely in search of beauty. If you, like I, feel like Bryan Adams has poisoned your environment, I suggest as an antidote going to listen to the first two Velvet Underground albums three times in a row, which thoroughly cleans the body of all the world’s mediocre, false bullshit, sort of like a spiritual Drano.

Say Drano,

P.S. I invite all of you to contribute more things that are worse than Bryan Adams. I challenge you all, especially team players–Sir Gene and Dames Fran, Jen and Lori. I dub you all defenders of the faith for your past efforts.

P.P.S. What happened to George Michaels, man? He could barely get any breath out during his AI performance. I thought a bunch of cowboys were going to come out and we were going to have an Eight Belles moment.

PPPS. And remember, no matter who wins tonight, the big winner is always Satan.

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A Business Q&A

(Originally posted Tuesday, May 20, 2008 )

A Q&A interview with Ned Stevens, president of the RAINCC Corp. by Laura Hendertree, Business Staff Writer

Q: Mr. Stevens, your company has had a stellar year, with rising profits and a 15% increase in clients, following a 32% increase the year before. What are some of the goals that your company hopes to achieve in the next 5 years?

A: Laura, there are all sorts of things I’d like to tell you about building out our business and our dedication to quality business solutions that will help you grow your asset base. But the thing I’d like to talk about most of all right now is the fact that I’m taking lithium.

Q: Oh. I see. Um, I’m sorry to hear it. But putting that aside, how does RAINCC Corp. plan to stay competitive with other clicks and mortar firms in a highly challenging high tech niche space?

A: Listen Laura, let’s cut the crap for a minute. Now we all know that RAINCC is going to keep growing, doing team building. All that good shit. But let’s try to keep it real here for a minute. I’m a 47-year-old chain smoker. My son’s in college and hates me because he never sees me. I spend a lot of time playing golf on the links, slapping the backs of people I can’t stand, and I’ve been doing this for a lot of years now. I’ve pretty much prostituted my intellect and my bunghole for a trip to the top of the hot squat. And so, you’re right, RAINCC has a 30% market share in the financial derivatives cross-trading hedging swap space. But forget that’s who I am. Just for a moment. I’m also a man. A person with a spirit. I have needs. I need for five minutes a day just for somebody not to talk to me like I’m a robot.

Q: Mr. Stevens, are you sure this isn’t the point in the conversation where you talk about what it’s like to be part of a winning team with an ingrained, service-centric culture?

A: Laura, I know that’s what your list of questions is. But come off it! You’re an attractive woman. You have a nice face and beautiful breasts. I cannot deny what I feel. What I am. The things that stir my spirit and fire my loins. Sometimes I just want to get out of here and go smoke a joint because it feels like I can’t say one honest thing to anybody. Do you know what it feels like to be that trapped? Don’t you think we can afford a little honesty in our lives? Even us, here in this high pressure world where everybody’s measuring his dick all the time?

Q: Are you referring to a need for greater transparency and values-driven oversight?

A: No! God damnit! I’ll tell you what’s driving me, Laura. It’s a need for some fucking human warmth. From you or anybody. Talking in these idiotic sound bites and business euphemisms all day … I swear it’s sapping life-giving nutrients from my body.

Q: And that’s hard I guess, when clients are demanding greater empathy and human-touch capabilities?

A: The other day I was sitting at my desk at RAINCC…

Q: Quality-control client-centric initiatives….

A: … and I just shit in my pants right there at my desk to see what it would feel like.

Q: Um, Mr. Stevens, why don’t we talk about asset hedging. Doesn’t it require a specialized…

A: You don’t understand. You fucking harpy, can’t you see what you’re doing? Can’t you see how you’re stifling me and making me crazy, just like the rest of them? You know that I sneak into my executive washroom three hours a day now and listen to the Manson’s family’s rock album? Just because it sometimes feels like murder is the only pure thing in the universe?

Q: Outsourcing is big right now. Do you want to talk about that?

A: Yes. I want to outsource my brain from my fucking head. I mean, totally fucking liberate it with a hacksaw. Don’t you see? We’re all residents on a magic string of light. And we can’t deny that very spiritual truth just for the bottom line. We become sick when we do that. I want to take off my pants right now and declare myself a Nietzschean superman. What would you think of that?

Q: But sir, how will that serve the needs of the ultra-high-net-worth resource vendor?

A: Ugh. Just shoot me in the mother fucking head, why don’t you?

Q: Sir. I think I know what you’re saying.

A: You do?

Q: I think you’re saying that it requires sensitivity and maturity to serve the needs of a demanding clientele in a secular market niche with a lot of turnover, right? That it requires the right kind of deep talent bench to make those kinds of big client plays.

A: Laura. I almost feel like you understand. I thought I heard something in there like empathy. Laura, can I take you to bed?

Q: Sir, people want that maturity because clients want constant reassurance from those who give them the things they need to grow their business. That can be very stressful.

A: I’m in love with you Laura. I’ll say it. Or whatever it was I thought I was in love with, now it’s you. How do you feel about that?

Q: I wanted to thank you for this opportunity to sit down and pick your brain about the trends going on in the high tech swap derivative vendor distribution space. It has been greatly enlightening and thrilling to know your long-term goals.

A: Don’t leave me now, Laura. You’re my last link to reality.

Q: Goodbye.

A: I’ll keep saying it until you answer Laura … don’t go … don’t go … don’t go….. I’m so alone…. I’m so alone…

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(Originally posted Sunday, May 18, 2008 )

Even though I am a part-time professional copy editor by day, sometimes I, the doctor, forget to heal myself when it comes to my own copy. I apologize for what are some common mistakes in “Beauty Is Imperfection” blogs. You might recognize them:

–*Using “American” for “America,” as in “American needs a new president.”

–*Forgetting to remove an extra “the” or “a,” as in “we need a the new president.”

–*Leaving in a dangling participle, as in “Needing a new president, Barack Obama was elected.”

–*Leaving in a dangling gerund, as in “after winning World War II, lots of fucking was done, resulting in war criminal George W. Bush, who needs to be replaced by a new president.”

–*Writing a sentence with a lack of subject-verb agreement, as in “everyone have to vote against the Republicans and send George W. Bush to the Hague for war crimes.”

–*Writing a sentence without parallel structure that uses an improper reflexive, such as “George Bush should be in jail for the illegal invasion of Iraq, he tortured the prisoners, and having spied on ourselves.”

–*Using misplaced modifiers: “George Bush stood firm on his commitment to stay in Iraq after his daughter Jenna’s wedding.”

–*Writing dangling infinitives: “To make sure his wild child daughter Jenna Bush’s wedding was not an anarchic circus, a focal point for an anti-war, anti-Republican backlash by middle Americans against what is seen as a callous, uncaring elite, media coverage was severely restricted.”

There are probably even some copy errors in this column. Throw me in Guantanamo, why don’t you?

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(Originally posted Saturday, May 17, 2008 )

Many women are bemoaning the waning prospects of Hillary Clinton’s presidential run, sad that after waiting for two centuries for a female leader of our nation, they have finally fallen short in the 11th hour. It’s a sad thing, and many of us feel sad about it. However, many of those same women are blaming Hillary’s fall on sexism, pointing out the chauvinist comments of some on the opposing team.

Here is a list of reasons why that viewpoint is completely stark bollocks wrong:

–*Hillary Clinton is losing because she voted for the Iraq War. Those of us who used to love her swore we’d get even in 2003 when she set up her hotline and asked how we felt about a completely indefensible unprovoked war of aggression against a country that had not attacked us. If it’s sexist to say “payback is a bitch,” then turn it around (as Troilus said to Cressida): Payback is a dude.*

–*Hillary Clinton is losing because she has waged a campaign of sophistry and rhetorical games that she learned after years of picking up her Republican opponents’ worst habits, and many voters on the Democratic side of the aisle find this strategy transparent and distasteful. Hillary said Obama’s campaign was “change you can Xerox.” Copy this: That joke sucked.

–*Hillary is losing on her merits, the same way George H.W. Bush did in 1992. To think that a woman CAN’T lose on her merits is a reverse form of sexism. I’m voting against capable Hillary the same way I’m voting against capable John McCain, capable Richard Nixon and capable Torquemada.

–*Hillary is losing because Barack Obama has made an appeal to voters that his relative lack of experience, and its attendant idealism, might augur change and a clean slate in the United States, something that Americans might want to gamble on in these jaded times, the same way they gambled on Bill Clinton in 1992.

–*Hillary is losing because she is not running on a clear cut agenda so much as the Hillary name brand, and this makes people uncomfortable at a time when they want definitive answers about what to do in Iraq, what to do about the economy, and what to do about the environment.

–*Hillary is losing because, as much as we might like her, she’s not inspiring anybody (besides some women).

–*Hillary is losing because nobody believes a word she says.

–*Hillary is losing for the same reasons John Kerry lost.

–*Hillary is losing because super-delegates know that voting against the popular candidate means that there’s going to be total havoc come November and the party will be divided in front of John McCain.

–*Hillary is NOT losing because of chauvinism, because most of the chauvinists are actually Republican carpet-baggers trying to make trouble.

–*Hillary is NOT losing because America is full of poor rednecks who hate her education and sophistication. I don’t know if anyone is paying attention to the exit poll breakdown, but it’s the poor high-school graduates who are the ones voting for her.

–*Hillary is NOT losing because there are more sexists than racists. Barely anybody brought up sex as an issue in exit polls, whereas tons of people brought race up as an issue when deciding to vote against Obama. The people crying “sexism” are the same people whose job it is to find sexism everywhere (I’m looking in your direction, Gloria Steinem) and who wouldn’t have jobs if they weren’t rooting for sexism in its small, truffle-like forms all day and night).

Having said all that, I hope that she becomes the first American vice president. Although that’s about as likely as George McGovern stripping down and singing the Prince song “Kiss.”

*This “payback is a dude” line was phrased in a different, poorly worded, and very unfortunate way in a very early draft of this article and I very quickly fixed it. But for anybody, even two of you, who saw that original version, I apologize.

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I Have Decided…

(Originally posted Saturday, May 17, 2008 )

…that my film “Scrabble Rousers” does not get enough respect. It has about one-tenth the views on YouTube that my other film, “S&M Queen for a Day” has.

So Stephanie and I have decided to clean up the picture a bit and bring the film to Funny Or Die. “Scrabble Rousers” was what originally prompted me to enroll in a six-week film course at New York University. Stephanie and I had the concept for the film long before we knew anything about filmmaking. So I went to NYU to get access to equipment, hoping to come out of the course with the film in hand. Meanwhile, S&M Queen, which was made up very much on the fly with no real planning, turned out to be 10 times more popular.

If you haven’t seen it for a while, please enjoy “Scrabble Rousers” again for the very first time (and vote “funny”).

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(Originally posted Friday, May 16, 2008 )

How are we failing to say our true feelings to those we love?

–*Withholding sex

–*Refusing to do the dishes

–*Not bathing for a week

–*Knitting a giant quilt that says “Help me I’m being suffocated.”

–*Taking it out on the kids

–*Going to church and asking a priest to intervene

–*Making multiple suicide attempts with Drano

–*Unsealing a grand jury indictment

–*Creating a fake MySpace page and harassing them

–*Recording a video diary where you enumerate all the little ways you feel slighted and hurt in life but accidentally taping over it with a rerun of the Mary Tyler Moore show.

–*Letting the goldfish die

–*Killing the hostages

–*Writing a top 10 list and actually putting in 13 items, which means you’re just being stubborn and difficult

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